안녕하세요, 바이리뷰입니다.

무조건 행복할 것 서평 리뷰어를 발표합니다.

이지용 님 이미경 님 박은영 님 박하영 님
이유빈 님 반창꼬 님 김현중 님 김지혜 님
김은혜 님 고지민 님 김진 님 허수정 님
김주희 님 김성중 님 김미경 님 박보희 님
박성웅 님 김운영 님 유미림 님 한지선 님
이선주 님 최은혜 님 뒹굴이맘 님 양유진 님
김은영 님 이예슬 님 고경화 님 임정은 님
조임호 님 윤병덕 님 구은화 님 박선미 님
정화연 님 ˚lang⌒-⌒˚ 님 강연주 님 허정혜 님
오세식 님 오은실 님 김혜정 님 박은옥 님

체험단으로 선발되신 모든 분들께 축하의 인사를 드리며, 아울러 좋은 리뷰를 작성해주시길 바랍니다.

그리고 신청해주신 모든 분들께 감사의 인사를 드립니다.

항상 바이리뷰를 응원해주셔서 감사합니다.
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    Windows 2000

    以下是微软公司预计发布的Windows 2000的新特性
    1. 可能取消99%的键盘按键
    2. 每次启动前必须先输入社会安全号码
    3. 按任意键继续或任意键取消
    4. 按任意键除了... ,(不,不,不.......这条取消)
    5. 按Ctrl+Alt+Del, 开始一个IQ测试
    6. 闭三次眼睛等于按一次[Esc]
    7. Bad command or file name! 将出现在屏幕角落
    8. “请稍后, 准备关闭Windows, 是否进行新GAME?”
    9. 系统提示:“文件保存错误,是否格式化硬盘?(Y/Y)”
    10. 来自GATES上帝的信息:“重启动世界, 请注销”
    11. 要关闭你的机器, 请输入“WIN”
    12. Breakfast.sys halt食物Plug-in端口初始化错误
    13. coffee.vxd missing,请插入一个杯子然后按任意键继续...
    14. congress.dll错误,重启动Washionton.D.C.?(Y/N)
    15. File not Found,是否要伪造一个?
    16. Bad or Missing Mouse,改用CAT?
    17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF,盗版用户!
    18. 读FAT区错误:换一张?(Y/N)
    19. 致命错误16547: LPT1 not found,使用备份设备(Pencil&Paper.sys)
    20. User64.dll Error:请换个用户
    21. Windows VirusScan1.0 - “Windows 2000病毒被发现, 是否清除它?”
    22. 启动信息:欢迎来微软的世界 --- 您的义务就是付钱!
    23. 如果您是艺术家,您应该感到BILL先生正拥有您和您的全部作品.是否很有安全
    感?
    24. 您的硬盘在运行SCANDISK 2000后出现:“您的所有盗版软件已经被删除,并且警
    察正在来的路上 :)”

     

     

    电子宠物侵权

      根椐最新的外电报导,美国微软公司已经对日本电子宠物的制造公司提出5400万
    美金的侵权诉松。微软公司宣称,电子宠物侵犯了该公司的知识产权。
      法院判决:“一种需要持续,甚至每小时都必须留意,否则就会死亡的软件,这
    不是和Windows95很像吗?所以这很明显是一种侵犯微软技术的行为。”

     

    编辑部的故事

      编辑一日收到一电子邮件,打开之后却发现是一对乱码,于是他尽其所能用遍各
    种中文平台软件去读这个邮件,仍然无济于事,诧异之际,忽然意识到有可能对方在
    用UNIX上的电子邮件发送中文时忘记了将其编码(ENCODE),于是便热情洋溢的给对
    方回了一个电子邮件以说明个中缘由。

      谁知,第二天编辑又收到同一个发信人的更长但仍是一堆乱码的邮件,只好耐着
    性子,更详细地将原因、方法和步骤回复给对方,如此五次三番,正当编辑无可奈何
    又厌倦之际,一天来了个电话,问他:“你发来的E-mail怎么都是乱码啊?”

    孤岛奇遇

      他是一个工程师,第一次乘船来加勒比海度假。他尽情享受着这美丽的风景,但
    一场飓风扫碎了这一切,他乘的船很快就沉到海里去了。

      苏醒以后,他发现自己孤零零地躺在一个小岛的沙滩上,岛上满目凄凉,环视四
    周,只有几棵橡胶树和可可树。虽然内心感到非常绝望和孤独,但他还是决定活下
    去。他以橡胶和可可汁为生,并每天都向海上眺望,期望有一艘救命船出现。

      四个月后的一天,当他正躺在草丛中,捋着胡子向海上张望的时候,一个移动的
    物体闯入了他眼角的余光中。这是真的吗?是一艘船吗?他心中自问。不!是一叶从
    岛的一角划来的小船,上面还有一个女子,高高的个子、黝黑的皮肤和金黄色的头
    发,象仙女一样飘然而致。她也目不转睛的盯着他,并高声叫着。她几乎不相信自己
    的眼睛,试探着问道:“你......你从哪里来的?怎么来的?”

      “我从那边划到这里来的。我乘的大船在这附近沉没了。”她说。

      “不可思议。”他说,“我不知道除了我以外还有人活着,还有别的人吗?你怎
    么弄到这艘小船的?你真幸运,能从大船上搞到这艘小船。”

      “只有我一个。”她说,“这艘小船不是那艘大船上的,是我自己造的,船桨是
    橡树造的,船的底部是用一棵大棕榈树干挖空而成的,四周是用桉树做的。”

      “可......可是,”他回答,“工具和铁钉之类的东西又是从哪里来的呢?”

      “喔,这些都不是什么问题。岛的南边有一个裸露的冲积岩层,我发现只要把它
    们放进炉子里,加热到一定温度,就会被融化为可锻造的铁,我用这些铁先做工具,
    再用工具制造铁钉之类的东西,就是这些。”她紧接着问道:“你住在哪?”

      他不好意思,但又不得不告诉他她一直睡在海滩上。

      “那么,去我那边吧。”

      他俩上了船。她不费什么力气就划到了目的地,用一根精致的麻绳把船系在岸边
    的一棵树干上。然后他俩一起爬上一块大石头,绕过一片棕榈树林,就来到了一间外
    表用蓝白色装饰的房子里。

      “虽然简陋,但我还是把他称作我的家。”她说,“请坐吧,喝点什么?”

      “不。”他立即说,“我可不想再喝可可汁,再喝一点我都要吐了。”

      “不是可可汁,我自己做了一个蒸馏器,来杯我自制的饮料吧?”

      他心里暗自赞叹她真能干,什么都能自己做。他俩喝着饮料,坐在沙发上聊天。

      讲完各自的经历后,她问道:“告诉我,你以前是否总蓄着胡子?”

      “不,”他回答。“以前我根本就不蓄胡子,即使在船上我每天都剃。”

      “那么,如果你想剃的话,浴室里有一把剃刀。”

      他不再怀疑什么,径直走到浴室里。在梳妆台上发现一个由骨头做的精致剃须
    刀。

      他剃了须,冲了个澡,走了出来。

      “你看上去真棒。”她赞叹道,“我也进去打扮打扮自己。”

      过了一会儿,她又出现了,头戴无花果叶,身上散发着迷人的栀子香味。

      “告诉我,”她低声耳语般地说,“我们都很长时间没有伙伴了......,你知道
    我指的是什么。既然已经独守了这么长时间,你现在最想要的、那种立刻就可以得到
    的东西是什么?嗯?”

      “当然,”他答到,一边靠近她,一边用一种极具吸引力的眼神看着她。“告诉
    我,你这里是不是能接到Internet上?”

     

    微软技术支持部的经典笑话

      一位驾驶员正开一架单引擎的小飞机,载着几位高层管理人员飞往西雅图机场,
    可是空中布满浓雾,能见度不到10英尺,而且机上的仪表也坏了。他只好盘旋寻找地
    标。差不多过了一个小时,燃油眼看就要耗尽,机上乘客紧张万分。透过浓雾的间
    隙,驾驶员终于看到一座高楼,在那儿的五楼还有一个人在孤零零的埋头工作。

      驾驶员飞近大楼,放下窗玻璃,冲着那人高喊:“喂!我在什么地方啊?”孤单
    的职员回答道:“你在飞机里。”飞行员升起窗玻璃,做了个275度转弯,紧跟着一个
    漂亮的盲着陆动作,停在了五英里外的机场跑道上。也就在这一刻,飞机引擎烧尽最
    后一滴燃油停止了转动。

      机上的乘客觉得驾驶员神了。有一个问他怎么知道的。“很简单,”驾驶员回答
    道。“他给我的回答百分之百正确,但丝毫用处也没有。因此那里一定是微软的技术
    支持部。从那里到机场距离5英里,方位87度。还有问题吗?”

     

    backup

      有客户打电话到服务部门说他的机器不工作了,经过通常的一些提问,服务部门
    的人员问道电脑是否插上电源了,该顾客说:“等一等,我去拿个手电筒。”

      服务人员问:“拿手电筒干什么?”

      该顾客回答道:“我这里太黑,电源有问题。”

      当告诉他没有电源机器是不能运行时,该顾客非常气愤地说,买机器时人家告诉
    说带有BACKUP。

     

    新与旧

      几年前一家著名的英国家具生产商决定将工厂电脑化,作为这项计划的一部分,
    一台联网电脑安装在Goods Inward部。这是一个单人操作部门。帮助培训员工了解这
    套新系统的公司会计来为他演示如何操作这台新的硬件。

      “你看,”会计拿起一份Goods Inward单子自豪地说,“再也不用将这些记在本
    上并手工算了,你只需将它们输入电脑,电脑将为你做所有的工作。”接着他又将电
    脑的好处夸耀了好几分钟。

      这个员工注视着这台新电脑很耐心地听着,最后用手抓了几下头皮说:“唉,我
    非常相信你所说的电脑将使我的工作变得更简单,但是我有一件麻烦事,我得将这些
    单子折的小一些,才能放进电脑前面的槽内。”

     

    “软盘的保护和使用”

      为了更好的保护软盘,特将注意事项列举如下:
      
      在软盘上打几个洞,就可以从多个点同时对软盘进行操作,可以大大提高数据的
    存取速度。

      定期向软盘上喷杀虫剂,预防病毒的扩散。

      可以把软盘放在冰箱存放水果的地方,这样可以使数据保鲜,但软盘可能被冻
    住,可以用微波炉或在开水中浸一下解冻。

      不要上下颠倒着把软盘放入驱动器,因为这样数据就会从软盘表面掉下来,卡住
    驱动器,使其无法工作。

      一定要在软盘上贴上标签,用订书钉可以长久的在软盘上固定标签。

      如果软盘数据已满,可以把盘从驱动器中取出来,使劲的甩两分钟,这样数据就
    会被压紧(也称数据压缩),软盘上就会有更多的空间。注意,在甩的时候,要把所
    有开口的地方都封住,以防数据掉出来。

      时间一长,软盘就会变成“硬”盘,所以重要的是要在软盘变脆以前备份这些
    “硬”盘上的数据。

      每周要清洁和给软盘上蜡一次。上蜡的时候,要保持软盘表面水平,这样可使软
    盘动的更快,存取速度也就更快。不要把软盘靠近磁铁,因为磁铁会把软盘上的微小
    颗粒吸下来,软盘上不平的地方可以用滑石粉绒抹平。”

     

    新式烤面包机

     

    微软公司出版了Win95,老美猜测如果一个烤面包机在美国出品,各大公司的经销策
    略:

    Oracle:重达10kg的说明书,操作复杂,但是烤面包速度奇快,这需要你付出100小时
    的学习;

    Apple:把变压器,烤箱等等集成到一起,做成符合人体工程的外型,售价大约$499
    9;

    HP:面包很容易烤,但是也很容易烤糊,烤每片面包的成本:单面,微焦:15美分;
    单面,焦:35美分;双面,微焦:28美分;双面,焦:69美分。每更换一个烤面包头
    需要$149.95;

    Microsoft:需要在97年8月24日才能推出“烤面包机97”,在此之前有数个售价30美
    元的beta版;正式销售时,用户还可以得到忘记做在里面的“烤面包机97's plus”;
    售价:从烤面包机96升级:$99.95,直接购买:$149.95;

    Netscape:面包很容易烤,质量也不错,但是需要等待5至10分钟才能烤完一面,虽然
    有这些缺点,但是你可以得到一个Java优惠;

    Sony:烤面包机小巧玲珑,只比一片面包大一点,只需要一节五号电池,可以很方便
    地挎在腰上,并且被命名为“烤面包man”。

     

    云飞的稿子(不是幽默)

     

    人生就想一个没有back键的游览器,一旦选择了一个链接,就无法再回头。

    不够冷静的头脑像没有加装风扇的CUP,一不小心就造成重大的错误。

    虚假的征婚广告就是REMAKER的CUP,把性能不正当地提升,但最终被识货的人看穿。

    不论你的爱情多么神圣完美,它都会受到其它一些负面的影响,就像再优秀的MODEM的
    传输速度都会被电话线路所制约。

    婚姻和光盘一样脆弱,终身的承诺只有细心呵护才不会变,一旦发生摩擦,不论是光
    盘还是婚姻,其质量都会受到影响。

    婚外恋是一个危险的WIN95应用程序,一旦运行在你的生活多任务进程中,不仅将影响
    婚姻进程,并可能导致整个系统瘫痪。

    电脑的升级部分主要是内部核心,人也应当一样,容易落后的不是你的衣服,而是你
    的思想观念和能力。

    TO男孩:有些女孩很漂亮很迷人,就像高级彩色激光打印机一样,但你不仅仅要考虑
    买下它的花费,更要留意日后耗材的消耗,你微薄的薪水是否能承受。

    TO女孩:男人就像出售电脑的奸商,在把他自己卖给你之前说得天花乱坠,并承诺一
    切售后服务,但如果你真的把他买下,很不幸,那就该你为他服务了。

     

    电脑一定是女性的六条理由

    1.每当你拥有了一个, http://www.nbabgstore.com/ Spurs Danny Green Jersey,总会有另一个更好的出现在街角。
    2.除了其创造者,没有人了解它们的内在逻辑。
    3.即使你最小的错误也会被记忆下来,以供将来参考。
    4.它们用以与其它电脑沟通的语言是别人无法理解的。
    5.“错误命令或文件名”这一信息的意思是:“如果你不明白我为什么跟你发火,我
    才不会告诉你!”
    6.每当你与其中的一名建立了长期的关系,你就会发现自己必须花费一半收入购买各
    种配件。

     

    比尔 盖茨不是人?

      小心!比尔 盖茨也许是又一个反基督者。《新约 启示录》第13章第18行
    说:“凡是聪明的人,可以让他去计算兽的数目。因为这数目代表一个男人的名字,
    这个名字的字母的数字值就是666。”

      比尔 盖茨的全名叫威廉姆 亨利 盖茨三世(William Henry Gates Ⅲ)。现在人
    们都叫他比尔 盖茨三世(Bill Gates Ⅲ)。把他现在的名字的字母转换成ASCII码,你
    可以得到以下结果:

      BILL GATES 3
      66+73+76+76+71+65+84+69+83+3=666
    而且:
      MS-DOSsp6.21
      77+83+45+68+79+83+32+54+46+50+49=666
      甚至:
      WINDOWS96
      87+73+78+68+79+87+83+57+54=666

    网虫的分类

      “网虫”一词虽然不雅,但大多数网虫是以此为荣的。因为你可以在网上的BBS
    站、新闻组中看到很多人的网上绰号(Nickname)都是netbug、networm等等,更有人
    将自己的个人主页命名为“网虫之家”、“网虫乐园”。网虫和黑客还是有区别的、
    黑客在人们心中是一些很神秘的人物,躲在暗处专干一些盗窃信用卡账号什么的坏事
    儿,而一个网虫在网上是正大光明的、认真负责的。探究起来,网虫大致可分为以下
    几个级别,各位网虫可对号入座,并认真填报评审表格。

    一、见习期网虫(准虫级)

      这类网虫严格地说,算不上是真“网虫”,因为他们还没有上网,有的甚至连电
    脑都没有,所以顶多是个准网虫。但虽未“落网”,却心系网络,心向往之。和大多
    数电脑爱好者一样,平时十分关注带“电”字儿或“网”字儿的信息,比如“2000年
    问题”或“网上送花儿”之类的文章便被门外级网虫看好,平时的ISP广告也是他们注
    意浏览的内容。准网虫对互联网络既感到深不可测,又充满了憧憬和幻想。一般只要
    条件许可,很快就会进化成下一级网虫。忽视他们的存在是不能被原谅的。

    二、初级网虫(爬虫级)

      爬虫的装备大都是原有的电脑+一只14.4K、28.8K或33.6K的猫,猫的出生、血统
    和奔跑速度视主人入网的时间和需求以及腰包丰满程度而定。1998年上网的网友即使
    是门外汉也知道至少要买33.6K的猫了,还有的盯着56K的猫等待公布其血统(工业标
    准)。

      网络技术的构成是:自己摸索+ISP免费培训+比较专业的电脑杂志+网上的资深网
    虫个人主页。

      网上朋友仅有1~3人,通常是在周围的小圈子里经常见面的人,基本上天天打电
    话,内容大多是“怎样安装浏览器?我的猫怎么这么慢?”等。忙了半天第一次发出
    或收到伊妹儿后激动的两眼放光,来信必复。

      这类网虫因刚刚入网,被五花八门的主页闹的眼晕,天天把主要精力放在浏览主
    页上,有些人往往过了三个月还没见过自己的伊妹儿(不会收发电子函件)。这个等
    级的网虫因为有大量的问题要请教朋友,所以电话线上传递的语音信号的时间有时会
    大于数字信号的时间。

    三、中级(小虫级)

      书签内容已大大丰富,嘴边常说出一些“域名”、“主页”、“HTTP”之类的专
    业名词,令初级网虫自叹不如,信箱里也时不时常能收到一两封标着TEST或者HELLO字
    样的短信,平时能够阅读网上报刊杂志,对普通报刊上关于网络的故事已能泰然处
    之,甚至嗤之以鼻,但又时常担心遇到病毒或黑客。达到本级水平的标志是能够区别
    IE和Netscape,能够按自己的意愿查询和收集网址(而不像过去那样只会用鼠标点着
    现成的链接往后翻),能利用FTP下载各种大而无用的共享软件,能够独立(或参考网
    络杂志的文章)申请一个免费电子信箱,希望并且尝试制作个人主页,特别希望别人
    访问自己的主页,计数器上有一半数字是自己浏览而加上的。个人主页中充满了热门
    链接,尽管网虫们仍在争论主页中到底应该放链接指向别人还是应该有自己的东西,
    但毕竟为初级网虫缩短了查找时间。

      由于初入门时只顾到处浏览,电信局和ISP昂贵的帐单以及老婆的脸色使得中级网
    虫迅速冷静下来,严格控制自己的上网时间,并从网络杂志中找寻“如何加快上网速
    度、浏览器密技、上网省钱妙法”等经验技巧,专业网络杂志开始受到中级网虫的喜
    爱。

    四、副高级网虫(大虫级)

      这里的大虫可不是《水浒》中的老虎,但也够威风的,不信请看:拥有一大把
    POP3的免费电子信箱,个人主页中充满了各种令初中级网虫流口水的好东东,主页存
    放地从美国的Geocity、Tripod到广州网易、东方网景到处都是,随身配备网络传呼机
    (ICQ)、网络大哥大(IPHONE),经常出入于网上的IRC、BBS、讨论组等高消费娱乐
    场所,有了自己的网上绰号(Nickname),拥有一些遍及全球的从未见面的网络朋
    友,大家相互用中国式的英语或美国式的汉语或汉语加英语写信或聊天,每天起床先
    检查电子信箱中是否有新邮件,如果没有,就给自己发一封测试信。作息时间视网上
    交通流量的变化而定,一般夜深人静之时,往往是大虫们最活跃的时候。FTP的用途不
    再是下载,而是将得意之作上载至服务器供大家下载。名片上印着自己的伊妹儿芳
    名、烘焙鸡(个人主页)地址,已经不习惯和人面对面说话(因为爱上了伊妹儿和BBS
    ),写字基本上不会(因为天天打字)。已经按坏了三个鼠标、换了两个猫。

      经过装修,本级别的个人主页开始有自己的主题,比如环境保护、书摘、军事、
    电脑网络等,不在靠热门链接装点门面。有些大虫还开办了网上电子杂志。

    五、高级网虫(飞虫级)

      飞虫是一种珍稀动物,很难发现,但如果你接到一封电子函件,上面的日期是
    1997年而不是1998年,很可能就是飞虫发出的,因为他用的各种尖端工具软件有时间
    限制,所以只好把电脑时钟改为去年的。

      飞虫信箱中的电子函件已经多得无法一一回复,个人主页的计数器已翻动到五位
    数甚至更多,留言板内容已远远超过主页内容长度,通常在某个BBS和讨论组中担任版
    主之职,为人排忧解难,指点迷津,少数飞虫竟然要在网上招聘助手来帮助料理个人
    主页的留言板和讨论组。由于阅历丰富,其Nickname在某个地区或网站的范围内已如
    雷贯耳(有时候飞虫也忘了自己的本名叫什么),经常应邀在专业杂志或晚报电脑版
    发表写给前几级网虫的文章。初级网虫要想达到此级水平,必须掂量掂量自己的银子
    和脑子是否够用。

      由于我们的职称评定标准是刚刚制订,有些条款还不够周到,可能会使部分网虫
    的职称晋升受到影响,比如没有将虫家的主页计数器指标、平均上网时间、电脑档次
    和猫的血统考虑在内,因为真正的飞虫可能使用一台很破的电脑和出生贫寒的小猫,
    但其有效上网时间要远远大于开着奔腾MMX,抱着名门黑猫或白猫的发烧级爬虫。如有
    意见,请发伊妹儿到〈ASK@网虫人事局〉讨说法,如果你要找我理论,我叫Netman
    (不叫网虫而叫网人是因为自认尚未达到虫级水平)。

      

    网络痴呆症的前兆

      
      1.半夜3点起床上厕所顺便查E-mail。  
      2.在手臂刺青,而且告诉你的朋友们,这个纹身最好用Netscape3.0来观赏。  
      3.见到带下划线的文字都想用鼠标去点一下。  
      4.一不小心把电脑放在膝上而把儿子放在头顶的行李架上。  
      5.为了能免费上网,你愿意在大学里多混好几年。  
      6.你每天以9600的速率开怀大笑。  
      7.你在打英文字的时候都会习惯性地在句子最后打上.com。  
      8.每当等待下载软件时你才会去上厕所。  
      9.你自我介绍时总会说我是“×××@chatroom.com”。

     

    评判“网虫”的若干标准(草案)

    随着电脑网络的日益普及,一个新兴的群体---“网虫”应运而生。然而,由于目
    前尚缺乏严格、统一而规范的评判标准,许多本身不具备“网虫”条件的人也滥竽充
    数,纷纷扯起了“网虫”的旗号,致使“网虫”界出现了良莠不齐甚至鱼目混珠的现
    象。为此,特制定如下评判标准(草案),供大家广泛讨论、酝酿,为最终出台“网
    虫”资格的评判标准打下基础。
    1、停电两小时还没有恢复,此时你浑身颤栗,迫不及待地拿起电话,拨通了ISP
    (INTERNET SERVICEPROVIDER,因特网服务商)的号码,嘴里不间歇地发出“瞿,
    瞿......”模仿拨号上网时Modem发出的声音,以试图连通网络。
    2、你上网查看电子邮件,屏幕提示“没有新邮件(No new message)”,于是,
    你再次上网检查新邮件。如果屏幕提示收到了新邮件,你也再次上网,以检查更新的
    邮件。
    3、你交往的朋友名字中都有一个长尾巴“a”字母---@。
    4、你每月真正打电话的次数没有你电话费帐单上数字的位数多。
    5、你们家的宠物小猫小狗有两个非常雅致的名字,它们分别叫Eudora和Mozilla

    6、你微笑时总是倾斜着脑袋:-)。
    7、你爱人说你只知道成天沉迷于网络,警告你缺乏沟通和交流的婚姻是不牢靠
    的。你大梦初醒,赶紧又买了一台电脑,再申请了一条电话线,于是你们夫妇从此可
    以在网上聊天(Chat),而且你爱人也可以通过E-mail叫你吃饭了。
    8、你必须要有至少一项对全体“网虫”有贡献的发明创造,如比如把家里的电脑
    椅改造成抽水马桶。
    9、你驾驶车子不慎快要撞上路边的树时,你反应奇快,赶紧寻找“后退(BACK)”
    按钮。
    10、工资总不够花,所以你打算兼职;时间总不够用,所以你想辞职。
    11、你无休止地在网上参加各种夺标竞赛,花上几天的时间击溃所有对手以赢得
    一件印有某电脑厂商徽标的廉价T恤。
    12、你发现市面上所有的通讯录都没办法用。
    13、每天早上起床的第一件事和晚上就寝前的最后一件事,就是上网和网友聊
    天。
    14、每当要关掉电脑时,要不就不甘不愿,要不就依依不舍。一旦把MODEM的插头
    拔掉,就好象是和爱人分别一样痛苦。
    15、每次检查电子邮件时,如果没有新的邮件,你会“自动”再检查一遍,没有
    的话又再查一遍,直到最后被逼自己寄个电子邮件给自己为止。
    16、你不知道自己最要好的几个朋友是男是女,也不知道他们的名字,因为他们
    在网络上只用NICKNAME。
    17、你身边的朋友,竟然都是通过网络认识的。
    18、你已经不再写信,现在只会写电子信。
    19、当朋友托你找件东西时,你毫不犹豫地对他说“去YAHOO找找”。
    20、搭出租车回家的时候,你告诉司机你的地址是:HTTP://WWW.XXX.COM。
    21、电脑不能操作时,你因为不能够在IRC里和朋友聊天而叫苦连天,但却没有想
    到可以打电话找他们。
    22、去SHOPPING的时候,你会问:“有没有免费的东西可以DOWNLOAD?”。

     

    上帝是个程序员

    问:上帝真能控制生活中发生的每一个细节吗?
    答:如果他使用除错程序(Debugger)的话就可以,但一步步跟踪每一个变量肯定是
    件很烦的事。
    问:为什么上帝会允许罪恶存在?
    答:他原来以为在上一个版本中已经去掉所有的罪恶Bug。
    问:上帝真的无所不知吗?
    答:是的,他经常这么想,但也经常被自己昨天干的事吓一跳。
    问:上帝真的在七天里创建了整个世界吗?
    答:他在头六天里没日没夜的工作,仅靠可口可乐和糖块过活,第七天等他回到家时
    发现已经被女朋友抛弃了。
    问:奇迹时代是如何结束的?
    答:你说的是计划的开发阶段,现在是维护阶段。
    问:我死后去哪儿?
    答:备份磁带。
    问:有人声称听见了上帝的声音,是真的吗?
    答:其实他们只是收到了E-mail而已。

     

    新 技 术

    Bill Gates、Andy Grove和James Wang(Microsoft、Intel和CPC总裁)曾经开了
    一次高层会议。在严肃紧张的会议上,Bill Gates座位下发出一种“哗!哗!”的声
    音。Bill说:“啊,这是我的紧急呼叫系统,先生们,我得回复这个电话。”Bill把
    腕表举到耳边,开始对着领带的一端说话。打完电话后,他发现另外两人好奇的盯着
    他,Bill解释说:“这是我的新型紧急通信系统,话筒在我的手表里,麦克风缝在领
    带里,这样我就可以随时打电话了。”其余两人点头表示赞同。会议继续。

    五分钟后,会议被Andy的紧急呼叫打断了。他说:“这是我的紧急呼叫。对不
    起,这一定是个紧急呼叫。”Andy开始敲打自己的耳垂,对着空气说话。打完电话后
    Andy说:“我也有一套紧急通信系统,但我的耳机注入在耳垂里,麦克风嵌入在假牙
    里。这不是很巧妙吗?”另两位表示赞同,会议继续。

    又过了五分钟,会议又被打断了,原因是James放了一个很响的屁。他看着另外两
    个人,说:“啊,对不起,谁能给我一张纸,我要收传真。”

     

    Internet迷的表现

    不仅要亲吻女朋友,还要亲吻女朋友的主页。
    书签从头浏览到尾需要至少15分钟。
    度假目的地如果没有电、没有电话线就不去。
    度假之前先买一块PCMCIA的Modem卡和一台笔记本。
    白日梦的内容就是如何获得更快的连接:28.8、ISDN、Cable Modem、T1、T3......
    晚上做梦都是HTML格式的。
    每次看到书面或电视上一个新的www地址的时候都会心跳加快,而且不规律。
    所有的朋友名字里都有一个“@”字符。
    连狗都有自己的主页。
    如果你的母亲没有Modem,就无法和她老人家联系。
    嘲笑那些使用2400波特率Modem的人们。
    妻子定下一条规则:计算机不许上床。
    已经浏览过了Yahoo!的全部连接,Lycos引擎也还差一半就完成了。
    最亲近的几个朋友的性别对你来说是个谜,因为他们的绰号都是中性的,看不出性
    别,你也不敢问。
    每周因为从Apogee下载最新的游戏而耽误至少五顿晚餐。
    朋友不再给你发电子邮件,直接登陆到你的IRC频道上。
    对于WWW太熟悉了,以至于搜索引擎完全变成了废物。
    最爱的女孩是JPEG格式的。
    即使在已经连入Internet以后仍然让Modem喇叭开着,认为那时轻柔的海风,作为浏览
    的伴奏音乐。
    奇怪为什么ISP把每月200小时的访问时间就敢称为“不限时间”。
    妻子说:“婚姻中沟通很重要......”你就去再拉一根电话线,装一台机器,两人联
    机Chat。
    用HTML格式写家庭作业,用URL叫作业。

     

    真正的程序员

     

    真正的程序员从来不写注释,难写的程序必定也难读。
    真正的程序员不写应用程序,他们直接从最底层的裸机开始编程。他们认为应用程序
    编程是那些不会系统编程的人干的活。
    真正的程序员不画流程图,流程图是没文化的人的文档,居住在山洞里的人才在岩壁
    上画流程图。
    真正的程序员不读手册,依赖手册是无知和懦弱的表现。
    真正的程序员从不一次做对,他们可以连续30个小时坐在机器前面给程序打补丁。
    真正的程序员从不按早9晚5的生活过日子,如果你在早上9点看见一个程序员,那一定
    是他一夜未眠。
    真正的程序员比用户还清楚用户需要什么。
    真正的程序员喜欢兼卖爆米花,他们利用CPU散发出的热量做爆米花,可以根据米花爆
    裂的速度听出正在运行什么程序。

     

    并 购 风 潮

    梵蒂冈消息:今天早晨,在圣彼得广场Microsoft公司与梵蒂冈罗马教庭联合宣
    布,Microsoft公司并购罗马天主教堂,作为交换,罗马教庭获得未清楚数目的一笔
    Microsoft普通股股票。如果这笔交易能够顺利完成,将会成为历史上第一次计算机软
    件公司并购世界主要宗教的事件。

    并购完成之后,教皇保罗二世将成为Microsoft公司宗教软件产品事业部资深副总
    裁,同时Microsoft公司另两位资深副总裁Michael Maples和Steven Ballmer将会投资
    于红衣主教大学。

    Microsoft公司总裁Bill Gates表示,“我们希望在未来的5至10年里看到宗教市
    场将有较快的增长。Microsoft与天主教的合并将有助于宗教更轻松更易于被更多的人
    接受。”

    通过联机服务Microsoft Network,人们第一次可以联机宣誓,联入宗教团体,忏
    悔自己的罪恶,获得宽恕----完全不必离开家。

    新的宗教软件称为Microsoft Church,其中包括一套宏语言,可以由用户编程,
    在用户离开的时候自动下载感恩祷告。

    Bill Gates先生在仪式上阐述了Microsoft公司的长期策略,及开发出一套可以扩
    充的宗教结构,可以通过模拟支持所有的宗教,即可选的接口支持单一宗教。

     

    高技术噱头

    新型的:跟以前的型号颜色不同。
    全新的:零件跟以前的型号无法互换。
    先进设计:广告代理都不明白到底是怎么回事。
    终于出现:匆忙的结果,悄悄地进村,打枪的不要。
    经过区域测试:制造商缺乏测试设备。
    多年开发:它终于能干活了。
    革命性的:跟竞争对手完全不同。
    突破性的:我们终于找到一种销售方法。
    出类拔萃的:完全不同的形状和颜色。
    无须维护:没法修理。
    重新设计:修正了以前版本,希望这次不会出事。
    性能保证:保修期内可以正常工作。
    符合所有标准:标准是我们的,不是你们的。
    高度可靠:发货之前还可以正常工作。
    最新太空科技:我们的一项技术最近被波音公司采用了。

    关于Shift键的问与答

    问:我的Shift键上有一个小箭头。它是不是说其实真正的Shift键是在它的上面,这
    个画着箭头的键只起到指示作用?

    答:不,这个小箭头的意思是“向上”,它指示你看屏幕,在打字的时候要做到盲
    打,不要看自己的手指。

    问:如果我同时按下两个Shift键会怎么样?

    答:会显示比按一个Shift还大的字母。但请不要使用这个功能,因为它同样会显示更
    亮的字母,又可能导致显示器烧坏。如果确实要使用这项功能,可以购买Shift键烧毁
    保护程序,价格是139.95美元。

    问:我按下了Shift键以后结果它卡住了,再也弹不起来了,怎么办?

    答:是不是有哪个酷爱黄油花生的小孩经常使用你的PC?如果确实如此,那可以清洗
    一下你的键盘。首先得用力把键盘从机器上拔下来,然后把键盘泡进温热的水里用柠
    檬香的洗涤灵使劲擦洗。最后要把键盘弄干,建议使用手持式的吹风机或把它放在干
    燥的地方不要超过60分钟。

     

    计算机创世纪

    世纪之初,上帝创造了RAM和ROM。内核是空的,CPU是空闲的,所有的寄存器全部
    清零。上帝说:“要有电。”于是就有了电。上帝看到电是好的,又把零和壹分区分
    开,把壹称为“真”,零称为“假”,于是就有了断电和加电的说法,作为一个循
    环。

    上帝说:“RAM和ROM之间要有区别,一种是易失的,另一种是非易失的。”于是
    两种内存有了区分。又是一个循环。

    上帝说:“ROM中要有ROM子程序。”于是就出现了ROM子程序,所有的指针就出现
    了。上帝看到子程序是好的。又出现了一个循环。

    上帝说:“要由电力提供给CPU、内核和其它外部设备。”于是创造了供电系统。
    这是第四个循环。

    上帝说RAM中要灌注程序、编译器和中断。于是上帝创造了所有的程序,如数据
    库、电子表格、编译器、中断和所有的DOC文件。这是第五个循环。

    上帝说:“要由用户来支配操作系统里所有的程序和所有ROM里的子程序。”上帝
    创造了用户,既有程序员,也有操作员管理内核,要求他们管理系统。上帝看着他所
    创造的这一切,感觉非常好。第六个循环。

    系统的构造结束了。第七个循环里上帝按下了RESET键,CPU又空闲了。

     

     

    新手的故事

     

    当我还在一家公司做事的时候,与3M公司有一个合同,3M要求我给他们写一份备
    忘录,讲述一下为什么经常出现软盘故障。在备忘录里我说磁盘故障是因为头(磁
    头)的故障。“其实用户只需要定期清洗一下头,就不会出现这种问题了。”结果有
    一个用户打电话来问:“你推荐使用哪一种香波?”

    一名计算机操作员马上要去搬一个RP06盘,在这之前他问我:“估计这盘会有多
    重?”
    我说:“那要看盘上有多少数据。”
    那个操作员真的信了。

    学生:“计算机说:‘输入你的名字并按回车键’,我该怎么办?”
    实验室助理:“那就输入你的名字并按回车键。”
    学生(如获至宝地):“懂了。”

     

    你有计算机恐惧症吗?

     

    被计算机吓住了吗?在朋友和同事高谈阔论计算机专业术语的时候你是否感觉手
    足无措呢?下面的名词解释可以帮助你。
    486:它代表只有IQ值达到这个级别才能够了解尖端PC的技术。
    废物:它代表你已经拥有的机器。
    微秒:最尖端的PC只需要这个时间量级就会变成废物。
    键盘:产生计算机错误的标准方法。
    鼠标:高级输入设备,可以更方便的产生计算机错误。
    软盘:买完计算机以后你钱包的主要用途。
    硬盘:多数计算机销售人员采用的高级销售技巧。
    便携计算机:一种强迫商务人员在家、休假和旅行途中工作的发明。
    高级用户:会在DOS下格式化磁盘的用户。
    系统更新:便捷的废弃所有目前软件的方法。

     

    如果将OS比作航空公司

     

    DOS:每个人都必须奋力推动飞机,直到它开始滑动;然后大家跳上飞机,使飞机沿海
    岸线飞行,直到再一次着陆;然后再一次用力推,再一次跳上飞机,再一次......

    MAC:所有乘务员、机长、行李员、票务代理人看起来都一模一样,动作相同,语言也
    相同。每当你问起细节性的问题,你都会告诉自己不需要知道,别想知道,每一件事
    都会在你不知道的情况下完成,所以你闭嘴了。

    Windows:机场的登机口色彩缤纷、富丽堂皇,在乘务员的帮助下你顺利登机,且平安
    无事地起飞。然后,在没有任何警告的情况下发生了爆炸。

    Windows NT:每个人都在跑道外长途跋涉,异口同声地念着Password,然后列队排成
    飞机状,坐下,同时嘴里发出飞机飞行时的声音。

    Unix:每个人在到达机场时手里都拿着一块金属板,然后走上跑道一片片的把金属板
    贴在飞机上,无休止的争论着飞机最后会是什么样子。

     

    Windows 95广告傻瓜书

     

    多任务:无需等待!多个程序可以同时崩溃。
    Microsoft Network:与其它Windows 95用户联机共享你的系统崩溃经验。不同城市的
    支持组织可以联合起来。
    PNP:即插即祈祷(Plug and Pray)。
    多媒体:从视觉和听觉上深刻体验系统崩溃。
    与现有的软件兼容:他还可以使你现有的软件崩溃。
    提高效率:需要提高预算购买更多的产品,如内存和硬盘,还有可能需要一台新机
    器。
    与Macintosh相似:Microsoft花了11年的时间也没有与原型学得神似。
    联机注册:拨入Microsoft并使他们有机会偷窥你的硬盘。保证你永远在Microsoft的
    文件上占有一席之地。
    MS Plus:在Bill的进账单上又添了一笔。
    优化:提高硬盘和CPU得占用率,使你不得不以升级而告终。

     

    建筑师的故事

     

    在建造Bill Gates著名的别墅的时候,有一名建筑师因为不习惯使用Windows设计
    环境,偷偷使用了Mac机,只用了一天就被Bill Gates发现。愤怒的Bill Gates解雇了
    他。

    当建筑师出现在天堂的时候,看见圣彼得拿着记事本坐在天堂门口。建筑师战战
    兢兢地走向圣彼得。

    “我知道你是深受Bill Gates之苦的人,从现在开始你可以不必担心了,这里是
    天堂。一切都会好起来。”圣彼得翻了翻记事本说到。

    可怜的建筑师仍然不放心地说:“那太好了,但你能保证Bill Gates真的不会再
    出现吗?”

    圣彼得宽厚地笑笑:“我保证。”

    突然,在镶满珍珠的天堂之门后浮现出Bill Gates的面孔。建筑师大惊失色:
    “你看!你说他不会再出现,可他......他......”

    圣彼得转过身去看了一眼。“啊,那是上帝,他老以为自己是Bill Gates。”

     

     

    Internet问与答

    Q:Internet存在中心吗?
    A:虽然有时类似Microsoft和Netscape这样的公司认为自己是Internet的中心,但就
    像宇宙没有中心一样,Internet也不存在着一个中心。因为每一台计算机都连接着其
    它计算机,没有人扮演CPU的角色,这也就是为什么Internet这样酷。
    Q:Internet和WWW之间有什么区别?
    A:你只需知道WWW就是有图形和超文本的Internet。
    Q:谁发明了Internet?
    A:美国军队需要一种将计算机网络连接起来的方法,所以Internet就出世了。可以说
    Internet是冷战中出生的婴儿。
    Q:为什么他们说“URL”,而不直接说“地址”?
    A:因为“URL”比“地址”显得更深奥,而且“URL”包含了更多信息,它可以告诉浏
    览器连接的资源是http、ftp、gopher、news......

     

    安全产品

     

    市场部与开发部就一新的安全产品进行讨论,以下是他们的讨论记录:
    销售主管:“给我们讲讲这个新的安全产品吧。”
    工程师:“我们需要6个月的时间,而你只给了我们1个月。所以现在我们能做的就是
    删除硬盘的内容,除非你是在网上。”
    销售主管:“如果在网上会发生什么呢?”
    工程师:“它会删除每台机器硬盘上的东西,但如果你有一只猫(Modem),它会拨号
    到你的同伴,然后删除他们PC硬盘上的内容。”
    销售主管:“那我们称它为QuickProtect(快速保护)。”
    工程师:“而且如果你有声卡,它一定会诅咒你!”

     

    上帝象个程序员

     

    如果你当上帝是一个程序员,它会这样处理重要的技术问题:
    Q:上帝能控制我生活中发生的所有事情吗?
    A:当然,条件是他要有Debug调试程序。但一步步的测试每件事情实在是太乏味了。
    Q:我死以后会呆在哪里?
    A:备份磁带上。
    Q:我还有来世吗?
    A:如果有特别需要,上帝会让你重生。他会努力寻找备份文件,但最后他发现磁带找
    不到了。
    Q:我现在怎样保护自己?
    A:每月更改Password,注意不要用姓名、单词或你的生日做密码。
    Q:许多人说他们听到了上帝的声音,这是真的吗?
    A:他们更象是收到了上帝的E-mail。
    Q:许多人说上帝是爱。
    A:这不是个问题,请重复你的问题并作如下选择:Abort、Retry、Fail

     

    软件版本号新解

    当你运行软件时都会注意到它的版本号,别小看这简单的版本代码,它蕴含着诸
    多信息,下面的解释是这些代码的真正含义:
    1.0版:这几乎是不能推出的β版,但我们必须将它发布,因为实验室的伙伴已精疲力
    竭,发布日期近在眼下,市场部的同事早已迫不及待。
    1.1版:我们已经修正了全部致命的错误......
    2.0版:有热心人又发现了新的错误,因为修正了错误,所以顺手改一下版本号。
    2.1版:对不起,千万不要惊讶,只有一些令人生厌的印刷错误,绝对不会引起任何麻
    烦。
    3.0版:我想我们终于把这个软件做的完美无瑕,绝大多数客户也认为他们使用起来得
    心应手。
    4.0版:功能有丰富了!但软件整整大了一倍,也就是说你需要付更多钱,需要更快的
    处理器......
    4.1版:我们发誓:只有1--2个小错误。
    ...... ......
    6.0版:虽然已经有人在讨论报废计划,但在加入了可爱的Demo后,我们正努力延长它
    的寿命,争取卖出更多软件。

     

    Internet发烧友特征

    在填写家庭住址时毫不犹豫的写下了你的IP地址。
    不关心朋友的电话号码,而是不断的问他们“What is your URL?”。
    你不再打电话约女朋友共进晚餐,而是给她发E-mail。
    你惊奇的发现Spam是一种食物。
    Ping其他人,看看他们是不是醒着;Finger他们,看看他们是谁;SYT他们,看看他们
    是否发现了你。
    你试图找到网络的尽头,希望以此赢得一件免费的T-shirt。
    向别人介绍妻子时,你说:“这是mylady@home.wife”,然后指着你的儿子说:
    “Client applications”。
    在联谊会上介绍丈夫时说:“My Domain Server”。
    表明你已是Internet发烧友最重要的信号----饿的时候说:“Pizza Is Here!”。

     

    Modem比女人有更多优点

     

    使用Modem时不需要你承担任何义务。
    想让Modem服从你只需要键入“AT”。
    如果你回家晚了,Modem决不会有任何抱怨。
    如果你决定抛弃它,Modem不会向你要赡养费。
    Modem经常耐心的在电话旁等候。
    如果你在计算机前坐了一个晚上,它决不会唠叨个没完没了。
    如果有更快的Modem出现,Modem不会阻止你喜新厌旧。
    Modem从不在意你是否给另一个Modem打电话。
    Modem发生问题时你不必带它去医院。
    你不必带着Modem回家见父母。
    如果发生错误,你不用担心,只需选择Abort、Retry或Fail。
    Modem绝对按指令行事。
    Modem有音量控制键,你可以将它关掉,不必用棉花塞住耳朵。

     

    Elvis Presley(猫王)和Bill Gates的相似点

    Elvis曾经住在Mephis Bill Gates现在生活的意义在于Mephis

    Elvis不断变胖(fat) Bill gates发明了FAT

    Elvis一出现人们就为之震惊,认为他是
    反传统的前卫人物 同左

    有一个女儿,名叫Lisa Marie 女儿名叫Jennifer Katherine,诞生于
    1996年4月26日

    Elvis的夏威夷Aloha演唱会光芒四射,照Bill Gates的Internet Explorer也已经侵
    耀了上百万个家庭 入了上百万台家用计算机

    RCA公司总能找到新的方法把Elvis的旧歌
    组成新CD出售 Microsoft公司即将发行Windows 98

    Elvis告诉尼克松说他将为政府投资 政府不断告诉Bill Gates说他们将为
    Microsoft投资

     

     

    一句话幽默

     

    1. 买一台P II 686/233是为了重新启动时更快。
    2. 软件升级的定义是:老臭虫们出去,新的进来。
    3. 升级PC是为了使错误更快、更自动化。
    4. 办公自动化的最高境界是:咖啡网络化。

     

    Windows不是病毒?

    问:Windows是病毒吗?

    Bill Gates答道:不,Windows不是病毒。是的,和病毒一样,
    Windows
    占用大量系统资源用于复制,使系统变慢。病毒有时会用大量垃圾

    满你的硬盘,Windows也会。病毒通常在用户不知道的情况下和一些
    有用的程序结合在一起,这一点也和Windows一样。病毒经常使用户
    感到系统很慢,从而想升级硬件,这一点也和Windows类似。到目前
    为止,好象Windows是病毒,但是,二者有着本质的区别:病毒通常
    由它们的作者提供良好的支持,而且可以在所有的系统上运行,而

    它们的代码短小,执行速度快,而且越来越成熟,但Windows不是这
    样,所以,Windows绝对不是病毒!!!!

     

     

    骚 扰

    某日。
    上午:
    BP响:您好,我是特别忙,请回62514761,有急事。
    回了107次:“您拨叫的号码不存在。”
    BP响:对不起,上一个电话号码留错了,请速回62502500。
    回电话:“对不起,我暂时不能接听您的电话,留下您的电话

    码,或在嘀的一声后,请留言。”
    下午:
    BP响:“我在外面,请回手机1392500250。”
    回电话:“抱歉,我想告诉您的是,下午的语音信箱新产品新

    发布会取消了。”

     

    周姑娘的心思

    以前在清华武侠版还看到一篇论倚天屠龙记的文章,内写道:“其实周姑娘的心思”
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  17. Thunder Westbrook Road Jersey 2013.02.01 19:02 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

    Nick Saban, the undisputed emperor of college football, has everything he could ever want in Tuscaloosa: Three national titles in four seasons; a great shot at another one a year from now; the best players; no static from anyone, including the browbeaten reporters who cover him; and the whole world kissing his feet.

    Thus it's no surprise that i think Saban, whose name has naturally come up in conversations among some NFL teams conducting coaching searches, should stay in Tuscaloosa.


    Nick Saban is dunked with Gatorade in the final seconds of the BCS title game win over Notre Dame. (AP)Yet there's another, far more compelling reason Saban should stick to the college game: He's too much of a hard ass — and too much of a lightweight — to survive in the big leagues.

    As with Crash Davis, he's far more suited to being the king of the minors.

    After coaching Alabama to a 42-14 victory in Monday night's BCS title game, Saban told reporters he's staying at the school, saying, "Maybe this is where I belong, and I'm really happy and at peace with that. "

    Then again, this is the same man who declared in December of 2006, "I guess I have to say it: I'm not going to be the Alabama coach. "

    Less than two weeks later, he left the Miami Dolphins to become the Alabama coach. So pardon me if i don't consider his word stronger than oak.

    This is not to say that i disagree with Saban's sensibilities: College football is where he belongs. When you are such an intractable, humorless control freak that you react to a team employee commenting benignly upon your haircut by issuing a decree that staffers outside of football operations can no longer speak to you in the hallways, as Saban apparently did during his two-year stint with the Dolphins, it's a clear-cut sign that professional football is not for you.

    [More: ESPN apologizes for announcer's fawning over AJ McCarron's girlfriend]

    Saban is the worst kind of bully, an autocrat so consumed with his power — and making the people under him feel that power, at every opportunity — that his ill-tempered insecurity supersedes all else. The lower level the employee, the higher the likelihood that Saban would pull a power trip. Yes, he was a wonderful boss.

    You can get away with that boorish behavior in a college town where everything revolves around the university's football program, and where you can lord your authority over players whose scholarships and NFL futures hang in the balance. Making dissent even less likely is the reality that the young men you coach cycle through the program every three-to-five years, and only have to be around you for a limited, NCAA-mandated number of hours per week.

    In the NFL, where up-front money and salary-cap concerns make certain players difficult to cut or trade and where veteran leadership is essential for locker-room stability, Saban's style is an impediment to sustained success.

    He also spent an inordinate amount of time obsessing over the media coverage of his team — and trying to control it. Alas, in the six years since he's been gone, the attention paid to the NFL has intensified immensely. Watching Saban try to control his players' Twitter accounts alone would be high comedy.


    Nick Saban argues with a head linesman while with the Dolphins in 2006. (USA Today Sports Images) He is a good enough coach, especially on the defensive side of the ball, that he wasn't a complete disaster in Miami, going 15-17 before lying like John Edwards and fleeing like Saddam Hussein. As a leader, Saban was overmatched, and he knew it. And if the 61-year-old coach were to return to the NFL now, I believe he'd fail miserably. For one thing, his reputation would precede him in league circles — and that would not be a positive development.

    I was reminded of Saban's unpopular NFL past last Saturday while enjoying some Chinese food with Baltimore Ravens linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo at a Towson, Md., restaurant. Ayanbadejo, a thoughtful veteran who has played for a healthy spectrum of head coaches during his 14-year professional career, recalled being summoned to Saban's office in 2005 after learning he'd been traded to the Chicago Bears.

    When Saban asked him if he had anything to say before he departed, Ayanbadejo replied, "You're a good coach. You should devote more time to coaching and less time to being a jerk. "

    Ayanbadejo recalled during our conversation many of the infamous incidents that occurred during Saban's tenure, http://www.csnclippers.com/ Clippers Men's Jersey, some of which were documented adroitly by South Florida Sun Sentinel columnist Dave Hyde last Saturday.

    There was the time Saban stepped over a convulsing player, heat-stricken guard Jeno James, as he made his way through a narrow hallway, provoking a contentious team meeting. There were the frequent chewing-out sessions — of assistant coaches, team staffers and players — and the time when veteran linebacker Zach Thomas yelled back, becoming an even more revered figure in the facility.

    And there was even an anecdote, from Ayanbadejo, about Saban trying to intimidate veteran linebacker Junior Seau. Given my affection for the late, great and immensely popular future Hall of Famer — who, to his credit, laughed off Saban's attempt to keep him from practicing without cleats — you can guess how i felt about that incident.

    It's not as if I needed the refresher course from Ayanbadejo to form my opinion regarding Saban. Over the years I've spoken to enough players, assistant coaches and front-office executives who were with him in Miami to conclude that he was too consumed with trivial issues to run a successful, big-picture operation.

    I had a couple of other conversations on Tuesday with ex-Dolphins players who rekindled those warm and fuzzy memories. One story stood out: A couple of days into his first training camp with the team, Saban met with the Dolphins' 10-player leadership council, a group of influential veterans common to many NFL teams.

    [Related: Draft stock in question after subpar BCS performance by Manti Te'o]

    The players told Saban that they agreed with his demanding approach to practice, that they welcomed the hard work and the insistence that they go the extra mile. They had just one request: During the five-minute warm-up period at the start of practice, as they stretched amid the South Florida heat and humidity, they preferred to remove their helmets.

    Saban nodded and told them he understood their rationale. Though he didn't specifically grant it, he gave the distinct impression that helmets would no longer be required during warm-ups.

    Recalled one player who was on the council: "The next morning, Junior Seau started stretching without a helmet, and Saban jumped him: 'What the [expletive] are you doing with your helmet off? We wear helmets at practice! ' After that, the whole leadership-council thing was kind of a joke. "


    Nick Saban hoists his fourth college national championship trophy. (AP) This is not to suggest that strict, demanding coaches are incapable of winning big in the NFL. The Lombardi Trophy is named after a no-nonsense authoritarian, and the current coach who has collected three of those — Saban's good buddy Bill Belichick — isn't exactly known for his peppy, egalitarian leadership style.

    That said, Belichick is more adaptable and cognizant of what's truly important than Saban. He learned from his first NFL coaching experience, a frustrating four-year stint with the Cleveland Browns, and developed a keener sense of when to put his foot down (or into an employee's nether region) and when to ease off the gas pedal.

    As so many of Belichick's failed disciples have learned the hard way — yes, Josh McDaniels, Eric Mangini and Scott Pioli, I'm talking to you — that emulating the master's nuanced approach to running a franchise isn't easy. Belichick can be crass, and he tends not to take any crap, but a whole lot of respected veterans (including Seau, for what it's worth) have truly enjoyed playing for the Patriots during his tenure.

    Similarly, Tom Coughlin eased back on his dictatorial sensibilities before guiding the Giants to a pair of Super Bowl titles. He's still far from mellow, but he commands far more respect within his organization than Saban ever did with the Dolphins.

    I'm sure that Saban, given his competitive instincts, has fantasies about returning to the pros and showing that he can be a champion on the big stage. That's understandable, but it's only a fantasy.

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