안녕하세요, 바이리뷰입니다.

 

내피부의 생명수 베데일 미스트 리뷰어를 발표합니다.

 

베데엘 NO.3
LOVELOVE
행복마미
몽땅
민트영
빵꽁장
핀아
포포리
봉봉봉
슬린씨
BOBO
 
베데엘 NO.7
 
희야세상
얼음사탕
꼼꼼줌마
아리의장바구니
마마말랑
체리3
커피프림믹스
호박펄
비아
라풀

 

체험단에 선발되신 모든 분들께 축하의 인사를 드리며, 아울러 좋은 리뷰를 작성해주시길 바랍니다.

신청해주신 모든 분들께 감사의 인사를 드립니다.

항상 바이리뷰를 응원해주셔서 감사합니다.

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  21. Williamnok 2014.07.03 11:58 Address Modify/Delete Reply

    이용약관위배로 관리자 삭제된 댓글입니다.

 

 

 

안녕하세요, 바이리뷰입니다.

 

로맨틱코미디 리뷰어를 발표합니다.

 

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신청해주신 모든 분들께 감사의 인사를 드립니다.

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    Ne abbiamo parlato con , ginecologa, endocrinologa e sessuologa alla Fondazione Ircss (Istituto di ricovero e cura) del Policlinico di Pavia.



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    E’ vero che spesso le ragazze italiane accettano il rifiuto del partner ad usare il preservativo (perché dà fastidio) e non contemplano contraccettivi alternativi?
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  16. ugg boots uk 2013.01.18 17:47 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

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  18. Guangxi florist 2013.01.30 15:38 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

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  20. Tongzhou flowers 2013.01.30 15:38 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

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    P.S. You can build a successful online business with my affiliate program. Join for free at : http://hombyz.com/affiliateprogram, http://www.polooutletfr.com/ http://www.polooutletfr.com/.htm

    Copyright Michel Richer
    http://hombyz.com
    PERMISSIONS TO REPUBLISH: This article may be republished in its entirety free of charge, electronically or in print, http://www.polooutletfr.com/polo-polo-burberry-c-137_139.html Polo Burberry, provided it appears with the included copyright and author’s resource box with live website link.



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  9. Guild Wars 2 Gold 2013.01.05 14:02 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

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    艺术奖: Don Featherstone
    原因:其鼓动人们购买粉红色火烈鸟草地装挝?以迷惑将来的考古学家"

    学奖:共同授予5位烟草公司的主管. 原因:证明"尼古丁不会使人上瘾"

    物理奖:Robert Mattews
    原因:证明面包片从餐桌掉落时,涂有奶油的一面的确是向下的.

    生物学奖:Anders Baerheim & Hogne Sandvik
    得奖论文:>

    和平奖:法国总统Yark Sthilark
    原因:在广岛遭原子弹轰炸50周年时在太平洋地区进行核实验"以进行纪念".

    化学奖:George Goble
    原因:使用液态氧和焦炭在3秒之内点燃一只烤全猪.

    生物多样性奖:日本 Chonosuke Okamura 原因:声称发现了龙.(化石)

    经济学奖:Robert Genco
    原因:发现"经济拮据是破坏性牙周病的一个风险指标"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    打赌

    话说某日张三与李四一起看电影...
    张三发现前面坐了个光头,就对李四说:
    "打赌五佰;我去打那个光头却不被他骂!"
    李四想:哪有可能;就赌了
    只见张三走到前面;"啪"就往那光头头上一打,并说
    " 小王啊!这麽巧,也来看电影! "
    光头说"先生,我不是小王耶! "
    "啊?你不是小王?喔!对不起我认错人了 "
    就这样,张三就赚到了五佰.
    没多久,张三又说了 "信不信我再去 K 他一次不被骂!赌五佰!"
    李四想:哪有人无辜被陌生人 K 两次不翻脸的,就赌了!
    只见张三走到前面;"啪"就往那光头头上一打,并说
    " 小王啊!这麽巧,也来看电影! "
    光头说"先生,我不是小王耶! "
    "啊?你不是小王?喔!对不起我认错人了 "
    就这样,张三就赚到了五佰.
    没多久,张三又说了 "信不信我再去 K 他一次不被骂!赌五佰!"
    李四想:哪有人无辜被陌生人 K 三次不翻脸的,就赌了!
    同样的,张三走到前面,又往那光头拍了一下 ,说 :
    "小王啊!别这样嘛! 只不过欠我几万就装做不认识我了啊!"
    光头虽然很火也只能说"先生!我真的不是啊!你认错了!"
    张三"ㄟ.....真对不起啊!电影院太黑了,所以....对不起!"
    又给张三赚了五佰!
    这个光头越想越不爽,就换了一个位子,以免又无辜被K了
    只见张三笑著对李四说"好啦!给你个机会还本!赌一千,我再去
    K他一次不被骂!"
    " 这哪有可能!你不被打就偷笑了,好!我赌了 "
    张三就站了起来往前走到光头旁;又"啪"的一声然後说
    "小王啊!原来你坐这啊!我还把坐在那的那锅光头认成你了耶!"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    01。atm___another techincal mistake
    02。bbs___逼必死
    mba=married but available
    sna=single but not available
    03。消息:让女人说“天啊!”的东西。
    04。自满:拿别人的缺点和自己的优点作比较时得到那种感觉。
    05。世故:不张嘴就能打哈欠的能力。
    06。不幸:因相信别人都是幸福的而产生的那种感觉。
    07。魅力:让人觉得你和他都愉快的力量。
    08。官语:一种人们能看得懂每个字,而看不懂每个句子的官方语言。
    09。道歉:犯错误后说的正确的话。
    10。自私:唯一离开营养也能滋长的东西
    11。时间:人们总想扼杀它,但最后被它扼杀的东西。
    12。古董:对穷人来说太旧,但对富人来说太新的东西。
    13。诊断:医生先问病人,然后病人再问医生的过程。
    14。报复:因为狗咬了你,所以你也咬狗。
    15。情书:开头时不知道自己要说什么,结尾时不知道自己说了什么的信。
    16。婚姻:一场永无止尽的谈话,在谈话中妻子说得越多,丈夫听得越少。
    17。爱情:在你觉得生活无法再好时开始,又在你觉得生活无法再坏时结束的那一
    段心灵状态。
    18。家庭:父亲提议,母亲决定,孩子否决的地方。
    19。丈夫:在追求幸福中失去自由的人。
    20。妻子:青年男子的情人,中年男子的伴侣,老年男子的护士。
    21。专家:对稀有的事情知之颇多的人。
    22。智者:知道何时沉默和如何沉默的人。
    23。诗人:把火投进其文章和把其文章投进火中的人。
    24。演员:除了自己,谁都想扮的人。
    25。老板:当你迟到时,他却早早来到办公室的人。
    26。坚强:武装的自悲
    27。推心置腹:太受地心吸引力影响的乳房
    28。平均:通常形容一个没什么身才的女人
    29。尾大不掉:我家的金鱼
    30。拒绝:世上三种最佳勾引方式
    31。下堂求去:学生渴望下课
    32。格格不入:写作时没灵感
    33。适当:理智的男人在适当时禽兽,聪名的女人在适当的时候装苯

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    霍尔的自动售货机

    最近重读形式语义学大师霍尔的经典之作-->,不禁又被他用来作
    简单例子的自动售货机逗乐了.现拮取几段摘录如下:

    (1)一台售货机,其每笔交易或卖巧克力或卖太妃糖.象许多复杂的机器一样,这
    台售货机有一个设计上的缺陷,顾客不能连续投入三个便士.但是改一下用户手册要
    比改进机器容易得多,所以,我们在机器上加上一条注意事项"注意:不要接连投入
    三个便士."

    (2)有位贪心的顾客想不付钱就拿到一块巧克力或太妃糖.只有在他这种欲望得不
    到满足时,他才不情愿地付给一枚硬币;一旦付了钱后,他就非要块巧克力不可了…
    一位傻乎乎的顾客想买一块大饼干,于是就把硬币投入售货机.他并没有注意自己投
    入的是哪种硬币,可是不管怎么说,他非要块大饼干不可.不幸的是,自动售货机可
    不愿吃亏.这位顾客投入一枚小硬币,它才不会给出大饼干的.

    (3)解释以上例子的故事,违背了科学抽象性和客观性的标准.切记一点,事情应
    当是一种中性的变迁,是可由那些不懂得七情六欲的外星人观察和记录的.这类外星
    人不懂得吃饼干的乐趣,也不了解那位愚蠢的顾客徒然地等待食粮时挨饿的痛苦.

    (4)这台售货机在第二位顾客的巧克力被送出之前的迹是coin,choc,c
    oin不论是进程还是观察员都无法了解这笔完整的交易会是怎样.因为顾客的饥不
    可耐和机器满足顾客要求的责任感都不在这些进程的字母表内,所以也就不能被观察
    到或记录下来.

    (5)这台响个不停的售货机里已经售完太妃糖了.但是顾客就想要太妃糖;cur
    se是顾客拿不到太妃糖时的咒骂,后来他还是不得不拿一块巧克力.要注意的是,
    数学公式是无法表现顾客的感情的,他当然情愿要块太妃糖而不愿意说句难听的话.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    样板戏《列宁在十月》

    那些年除了演样板戏,也演过一些新编的现代戏。印象最深刻的是《列宁在十月》。
    此戏据说无剧本,全凭着旧戏曲的八大韵去“踩水”(即兴创作)大剧团不敢演,怕
    犯错误,只有些班子小胆子大的县川剧团才敢演它。演列宁的须生崔正红习惯了在台
    上走正步,举手投足依然是旧戏中的大臣风范。花脸刘盛财演斯大林,在台上老是用
    手死劲捻松香粘的八字胡。我同其它演员串角,端端正正站在二位革命导师旁聆听教
    悔。

    列宁唱:【红鸾袄?二流板】

    叫一声约瑟夫孤的好兄弟
    有件事朕同你细说端的
    打冬宫咱还要从长计议
    切不可闹意气误了战机
    冬宫内到处有许多裸体
    全都是大理石雕刻成的

    斯大林唱:(同上曲牌)

    嗔一声敬爱的……(帮腔)弗拉基米尔?依里奇
    三日前本将军已传话下去
    打冬宫不准毁坏文物古迹
    开枪不能朝着壁上的裸体
    那都是尼古拉留给咱们无产阶级的
    …………………
    (摘自小说《落花时节》。作者何洁,诗人流沙河之妻)

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一次,前山东省主席韩复榘挺胸凸肚出现在齐鲁大学校庆演讲台上。未开口倒也威风
    凛凛,大有学界泰斗之状;口一张,原形毕露,信口雌黄,粗俗不堪。搞得满座师生
    愕然,哗然,昏昏然。请听:
    “诸位,各位,在齐位:
    “今天是什么天气?今天是演讲的天气。开会的人来齐了没有?看样子大概有个五分
    之八啦,没来的举手吧!很好,都到齐了。你们来得很茂盛,敝人也实在很感冒。…
    …今天兄弟召集大家,来训一训,兄弟有说得不对的地方,大家应该互相谅解,因此
    兄弟和大家比不了。你们是文化人,都是大学生、中学生和留洋生,你们这些乌合之
    众是科学科的,化学化的都懂七、八国的英文,兄弟我是大老粗,连中国的英文也不
    懂。……你们是笔筒里爬出来的,兄弟我是炮筒里钻出来的,今天到这里讲话,真使
    我蓬蓖生辉,感恩戴德。其实我没有资格给你们讲话,讲起来嘛就象……就象……对
    了,就象对牛弹琴。
    正当听众哭笑不得之时,他又提示性地交代:
    “今天不准备多讲,先讲三个纲目。蒋委员长的新生活运行,兄弟我双手赞成,就是
    一条,‘行人靠右走’着实不妥,实在太糊涂了,大家想想,行人都靠右走,那左边
    留给谁呢?
    “还有件事,兄弟我想不通:外国人都在北京的东交民巷建了大使馆,就缺我们中国
    的。我们中国为什么不在那儿也建个大使馆?说来说去,中国人真是太软弱了!
    第三个纲目讲他的进校所见,就学生的篮球赛,痛斥总务处长道:
    “要不是你贪污了,那学校为什么这样穷酸?十来个人穿着裤衩抢一个球像什么样
    子,
    多不雅观!明天到我公馆再领笔钱,多买几个球,一人发一个,省得再你挣我抢。
    “三个纲目”讲完,韩主席扬长而去,但不知“靠左走”是否能找到他的官邸

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    不爽

    免得不爽一个礼拜…
    不爽想要发□打那几个字怎麽能发□到不爽的情绪呢尤其是会延续一个礼拜的
    不爽若是我想要发□的话我会打一大堆的东西来发□心中的不快埋藏在心里的
    不爽到了一个程度的时候尤其是作业写不完考试考不尽社团也要忙实在是有够
    不爽的想找人出来聊天也找不出来所以只好利用许多反覆无意义的言词来发
    不爽这样心里才能爽否则若是只像你文章开头写出你不爽里面却只有那几个字
    不爽怎麽能够被解决呢所以若是真的想要发□那就多打几个字可是像我这样把
    不爽这个词尽量移到前头需要花很多的脑筋在想的时候会多花精神最後反而更
    不爽真是自讨苦吃的行为所以虽然可以利用一些有的没有的东西去表达心中的
    不爽但是你可以不像我这样还要耍酷玩这些吃力不讨好的花招以免让自己更加
    不爽说到耍酷我女朋友曾经骂我爱学人家摆酷却又放不开这句话也让我十分地
    不爽可是这句话又说得没错我就是这样的人摆出一些很酷的样子背地却在那里
    不爽然後又没地方发□因为我有错所以我想要向我的女朋友道歉以免她也在那
    不爽是不是因为我最近的行为颇令她失望所以她才不理我我要检讨让大家不会
    不爽可是她好像一直在逃避我我想找她说话总是没有两句就结束了这已经让我
    不爽要怎麽办呢我也不知道也许只有顺其自然吧作业那麽多做都做不完也是个
    不爽的要素没事那麽多作业干嘛难怪大家都在抄用抄的分数还比我高看了就很
    不爽辛辛苦苦写的作业把不会的空者写不出来没交是我的作法也许老师会有些
    不爽可是这是表示我对我自己诚实的作法没有什麽不对偏偏有些人就是看我很
    不爽认为我可以用抄的为何不抄奇怪我不抄干他什麽事他不高兴难道我就不会
    不爽吗不过偶而我也会抄作业缺交太多也不太好所以我不可以说太多以免他们
    不爽不借我抄作业那我的分数就会很低甚至不及格被当掉到那时候就是我爸妈
    不爽的时候了可恶我明天还有作业要交我还打那麽多东西真是疯了可是我就是
    不爽刚好又看到这个标题就顺手写了这一大堆东西这些东西才能发□我心里的
    不爽嘛你说是不是不过千万不要学我无聊打这一堆东西搞到自己累死而且还是
    不爽说不定你可以帮我分段加标点符号也许心里会好一点不过若是你弄完依然
    不爽请你不要怪我毕竟我不是心理医生不知道你的烦闷在哪里所以与我无关。
    不爽啦!
    你爽了吧!

    看的我都有一点不爽!!!
    真的不爽!!

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    二十四孝

    这是我以前的剪报,也许大家都看过了…
    作者:傅伯宁

    我的邻居老太太养了一群孝顺的儿子,昨天她过八十岁生日,我应邀去她家吃饭,不
    禁叹为观止。一开饭,陈老太太就对我说:来来来,别客气,这是我大儿子躺在冰
    上,
    求来的鲤鱼。二儿子听了有点不高兴地说:娘,人家抱著竹子哭了两个小时,才弄到
    的笋子难道就不好吃了?陈老太太笑嘻嘻地说:好吃,好吃,好吃得不得了。说完指
    著一碗玉米浓汤对我说:这里头加的可不是牛油。这时三媳妇哇地喊了一声,掩著脸
    跑开了。陈老太太得意地说:嘿嘿,里头加了两种奶,一种是我三儿子披著鹿皮取来
    的鹿奶,一种是我三媳妇自己的人奶。陈老太太看了我一眼说:我四媳妇已经很久没
    有割大腿肉了,你放心的夹肉吃吧。四媳妇娇嗔了一声说:娘,过去的事就别提了。
    陈老太太不以为然说:百善孝为先,这有什麽好避讳的?从前我生病的时候,你丈夫
    还尝我的大便有没有甜味呢。五儿子见我目瞪口呆,赶快打圆场说:吃饱了,来点水
    果吧,这是我采的桑椹,保证不酸。六儿子也笑著从袖子拿出一个橘子说:这个也
    很甜。七儿子匆匆走入房中,穿著一身彩色服装,拿著一个铃鼓出来,开始载歌载
    舞。
    陈老太太对我眨眨眼,低声说:这是馀兴节目。时间不早了,我起身向众人告辞,这
    时窗外突然起风,顿时雷电交加。众儿子齐喊:娘, http://www.csnthunder.com/ Thunder home Jersey,别怕,我们在这儿陪您了。陈老
    太太捂住耳朵大骂:天呀,你们的声音比雷还大。众儿子显得很不好意思。回家以
    後,
    我儿子对我说:老爸,明天买一辆机车给我好不好?星期日我想带我马子去兜风。我
    听了忍不住嚎啕大哭起来。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    鬼笑话(一)

    从前有一户有钱人家,家里只有爸爸妈妈和一对兄妹,那个妹妹很不幸的死於车祸,
    从此这家人都笼罩在愁云惨雾之中。
    有一天,有个人在公园散步,突然看到一个非常漂亮的小姐的背影,穿著白色的衣
    服,
    还围著一条蓝色的丝巾。哇!好美啊!这个人心里这样想著,於是他就跟著这个小
    姐,
    想看她住在哪里。结果被那个小姐发现了,还以为他是色狼,於是急急忙忙就跑掉
    了。
    慌乱中那条蓝色的丝巾掉在地上,那个男的就捡起了纱巾,尾随著她,结果跟著跟
    著,
    就跟到那个有钱人家家门口了。他亲眼见到那个小姐进了那家人的门。因为他手上有
    纱巾,就大胆地去按门铃,结果出来一个老太婆,问:你要干嘛?
    他说:我要找你们家小姐。
    那个老太婆脸色臭臭地说:你找错人了,我们家没什麽小姐。
    砰地一声就把门摔上了。
    这个年轻人天天在附近等,都没有等到那个小姐。最後这个年轻人终於死了心。搬离
    了这个城市。
    许多年後,这个年轻人也长大了,而且事业有成,某一天因为职务上的需要又回到这
    个城市。他忍不住又想起了这个有著漂亮背影的小姐,於是他就跟接待他的人讲,要
    回去那家有钱人家看一看。那个接待他的人就陪他去了。
    到了那边,他居然又看到那个小姐,一样穿著白衣,围著蓝丝巾,走进了那一户人
    家。
    他就问那个接待他的人,知不知道那个小姐是谁,那个人叹了口气说:唉,说起这家
    人,也真是够可怜的了,他们家的小姐,年纪轻轻地就死了。她哥哥跟她感情很好
    的,
    因为遭受不了这个打击,也发疯了。从那时候起,就常常扮了他妹妹的样子在附近闲
    晃………

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    W.C.

    看了这麽多笑话,觉得该有所贡献,所以post一篇从Η大某系系刊中的笑话给大
    伙解解颐。全文如下∶

    有位英国老妇人到瑞士想找间房子安享馀年。她向当地的一名老师请教,终於找到一
    个合适的地方,然後即启程回英国整理行李。回到英国後才想起,那儿似乎没有「方
    便的地方」,或如她所称呼的,没有W.C.(按∶watercloset),所
    以就写信问那位老师。老师被「方便的地方」弄的一头雾水,心想∶她既然来安享馀
    年,「方便的地方」指的应该是卫斯理教会(按∶wesleyanchurch
    ),
    所以那位老师回信了。

    亲爱的夫人∶
    平安!!
    W.C.在房子九哩之外,位於美丽树丛中,能一次容纳三百五十人。每周二、四和
    周日开放,夏天会有许多人前往,所以请早。虽然有许多空间能站,有些人喜欢带中
    饭来,在这玩一天。特别是在周四,这时後会有风管合奏,音响极佳,连细微声音都
    听的见。
    您应该会很高兴知道,我在此遇见心上人,也在此结婚,这实在方便。我们将举行一
    场义卖,希望您能赶来共襄盛举,此次目标是购买绒毛座垫,每位参与者皆觉得这是
    长久以来所急需的,目前座位上已是坑坑洞洞。
    内子娇弱,所以不能定时前往,她已六个月没去了,当然,她因不能常去而感到痛苦
    万分。
    最後,竭诚欢迎您的到来,我乐意帮您在前排或靠门处留位,完全看您较愿意在哪个
    角落。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    给我报报啦!

    在李登辉提过摩西故事之後,中视马上决定要播出美国旧片出埃及记,请问关於此事
    各界的反应如何?

    1。台视主管∶
    总统先生不久前曾经赞扬猪哥亮先生为杰出艺人,所以我们已经决定要二十四小时转
    播猪先生精彩的餐厅秀,而为了表示对猪先生精湛表演艺术的尊敬,节目中猪先生所
    说的任何黄色笑话都将不做消音处理,此外广告部份将只播猪先生的经典广告片系
    列:
    斯斯,还有亚补。希望全国大众能藉此解到猪先生究竟杰出在哪里。

    2。华视主管∶
    其实总统先生讲摩西故事的重点是在不相信摩西的人会被雷劈死这一段。为了让全国
    同胞能切实了解这一点,我们将要开拍一部新的八点档年度大戏∶黄飞鸿与白莲教,
    在戏中,黄飞鸿不相信白莲教,屡屡和白莲教主作对,还倡导广东独立运动,结果最
    後白莲教主祭起了垄断媒体大法,招来了一阵乱雷,就将黄飞鸿劈死了。
    此外前几天因为总统先生曾经垂询杨丽花小姐最近怎麽都没有演戏啊?,所以我们决
    定要请杨小姐扮演白莲教主这个角色。

    3。峤台联合声明∶
    我们要强调一点就是,我们这个点子其实比某友台还要早想到,只是酝酿期稍微长了
    一些。我们对总统先生所说过的任何一句话绝对都是仔细推敲,反覆研究。我们对总
    统先生的耿耿忠心,为天地可表,如滔滔江水,一发不可收拾。希望社会大众明鉴。

    4。台大医院院长∶
    为了响应总统先生最近一直倡导的生命共同体观念,本院已经决定∶本院今後将不再
    为连体婴进行分割手术,因为分割一个生命共同体实在是一项民族罪行,会被天打雷
    劈的。
    此外本院仅在此向过去被本院分割成功的连体婴表示歉意,如果有想要再连回来的,
    本院将免费为您进行手术。(crazyalpha,也就是疯狂快乾胶公司,已经
    答应赞助此类手术,本院在此一并致谢)

    5。星云大法师∶
    其实总统先生所说的摩西故事在佛教中也是有的,想当年孙悟空就是不相信如来佛,
    还在佛前做猥亵的动作,结果被乱石压顶,受苦了五百年,真是阿弥陀佛,善哉善
    哉。
    所以贫僧对总统先生所说的话深有同感,决定自今日起连开七七四十九日西游记讲
    座,
    好好地对十方大德做开示,欢迎踊跃参加。

    6。大象洲∶(大家叫我阿旺就好了)
    现在大家知道了吧,有胆就不要相信我老师,不要投票给我,到时你们就等著被出轨
    的捷运砸得头破血流吧!

    7。巷口太子庙的乩童∶
    为了响应总统先生的号召,本庙决定改供奉摩西祖师。太子爷不过是有风火轮,摩西
    祖师有五雷轰顶大法,法力高强多了。而且摩西祖师出自高层推荐,出名牌一定会更
    准的,祖师今夜子时第一次开坛,我将会表演让淡水河分开的绝技,请各位善男信女
    踊跃参加。

    8。一九九五年润八月的作者∶
    看了台湾目前的情况,我决定将书名改成一九九四年十二月……

    9。高中男生∶
    我们现在都在祈祷总统先生会说出:“满清”腐败,在国父“十大”革命後,仍不求
    改进,反而以”酷刑”对待革命志士。

    (记者在采访到此段话後,深有同感,立刻也加入了祈祷的行列,所以采访中断…
    …)

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    如何在台湾读理工学院……。

    这不是笑话,这是一个教育上的问题…。如果你不是故事中所说的人那我们一起来找
    出台湾教育的问题吧……。

    一架爱独克星人的太空船正停在月球的背面……。他们正为1999年的入侵地球计
    画做准备……统战部的主任拟定了一个入侵地球大学的计画…。他想在地球所有大学
    都有人混入做统战工作……他已经做好了调派,此时有一个部下提出了异议…。
    部下t:主任!为什麽,同样是混入大学理工系的工作,别人的i是7(相当地球智
    商140),而我只是6(120)就可以身任…。
    主任:这样啊,你是入侵哪个国家?
    部下t:中国的台湾地区……。
    主任:喔…。国情不同嘛……。
    部下t:不会吧,理工系不是都先告诉你一些基础的定理,然後利用这些定理,去做
    一些推导,来解决一些问题吗,重点是训练你解决问题的思考能力,以属下的能力,
    只能很快的记忆很多结果,我没有独立思考的能力。
    主任:那就够了啊,你只要一到那边,注意以下几点就好了……
    1。除非一定要修的科目以外,千万不要修太操的科目…。
    2。作业不用自己做,可以和别人(讨论),或是找到解答本…
    第三点最重要你要好好记好……
    部下t:是!
    主任:第三点,是有关考试的,你千万要记住,你一定要把课本内。一些解题的方
    法,
    一步一步的记好,至於为什麽这一步会是对的,只要问别人为什麽,把为什麽记起来
    就好了,不必浪费时间去想它这个为什麽是由一些很基本的定义导出来的,还是用别
    的结果去讲结果的。
    部下t:那不是很危险吗???要是题目出变化性一点,要是作业和课本内没有类似
    的哪我不是只有基本分吗??
    主任:所以告诉你一定要把基本分拿好啊,因为有70%的人都在基本分以下啊!
    部下t:主任!达成目标中不是有要我们至少要达到该校的20%吗???
    主任:那你放心,如果第一次考试这样的话,那教授下一次,一定放水!如果没有放
    水,那最後一定调分,如果没有调分,那那个教授会被骂得乱七八糟,甚至被系主任
    约谈。峤次平均下来一定有前20%!
    部下t:我还是有疑问唉,如果大学教育是这样那该国不是没有发展技术的能力吗,
    训练出来的工程师不都是只会照著书上写的一步一步做,只会做一些技术上的工作
    吗?
    主任:我就说国情不同嘛,该民族专制已久,统治者的心理你不懂吗???如果教人
    民有思想那不是造反的快吗,你想在大学联考中,把最会背的人拿来当律师,国家的
    司法系统,就好控制多了,把最聪明的人拿来当医生,让他们每天做机械式的工作,
    让他们衣食充足,就不会造反了,剩下来的,让他们读一些不用太多思考就可以过的
    书,国家不就在掌握中吗????
    部下t:可是该国的经济力还是不差啊!!
    主任:该国是取以钱来砸钱的政策,先用污染,盗版的优势来赚钱,再用钱的优势来
    搞工业,不注重技术的开发,可以维持一段时间,但国力受制於外国很多。
    部下t:我懂了,但是事实上我们不必渗透该国该国不就会亡吗。
    主任:啊!这样一说我到忘了,只是要你学习该国人民如何在现有短缺的能力下,如
    何硬撑,这和我们战略提升上有很大的帮助,顺便也为你上一课…
    於是部下t也踏上了旅程…………。

    待续……。下集是如何在台湾考到国立大学…。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    1997年元旦头条重大新闻!

    天堂通讯社洛杉叽一月一日电:
    圣母玛利亚今日托请律师,向美国洛杉矶联邦巡回法庭正式提起民事诉讼,控告上帝
    耶和华犯有遗弃罪,要求赔偿拖欠的子女赡养费,精神损失费,及拖欠达两千零三十
    年之久的利息,共十二万二千二百五十亿七千零八十六万三千八百二十四美元。玛利
    亚声称,耶和华在两千零三十年前一个风雨交加的晚上,不期而来,用极其令人痛苦
    难堪的人工授精方法,强致使她处女同贞之身怀孕而生下了耶稣基督,无强奸之名,
    有强奸之实,令她在世人中饱受非议歧视,险被众人以石头瓦片砸死。因此要求赔偿
    精神损失。又嫌犯耶和华曾答允在孩子出生之后,将负责赡养保护。然而耶和华在犯
    案使玛利亚怀孕之后,即行逃遁,两千多年,杳无踪迹可寻,以至连耶稣基督因事惹
    祸,被活活钉死在十字驾时,亦不肯施展其法力,救亲儿子的性命。遗弃亲子,罪无
    可恕!近来欣闻美国新任开明总统克林顿上台以来,重视家庭价值观念,通过了保护
    妇女及儿童权益的一系列联邦法律,故此前来洛杉矶联邦巡回法庭投诉。接受玛利亚
    委托的律师,是美国当代最著名的辩护律师约翰尼?科克伦。科克伦律师曾经接收辛
    普生一案辩护,成功地在证据确凿,无可辩驳的情况下洗清了辛普生的杀妻罪名,最
    近更出谋划策,替辛普生争回两个亲生子的监护权。科克伦对采访他的记者表示,他
    对打赢这场官司信心时足:“就是块埋了两千年的石头,照样要挖出来晒晒洛杉矶的
    太阳”,他打趣地说。法庭已向耶和华下了传票,限六个月到庭听审。如果被告六个
    月内不出现,即作缺席审判处理。天堂通讯社记者方舟子曾设法寻找耶和华以询问其
    对此诉讼有何评论,没有成功。此间法律专家们分析,玛利亚即使胜诉,获得赔偿的
    可能也不大。因为耶和华自使玛利亚受孕之后,即毫无踪迹可寻,更有宇宙大爆炸专
    家们确信耶和华现在一定已逃遁至两百多亿光年之外的宇宙边缘之外了。

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    计划生育工作小组来到一个小山村,推行避孕节育措施,但医生发现很难
    说服这里的女人们服用避孕药丸,于是他们决定教男人戴安全套。
    有一个村民在八年里生了八个孩子,医生告诉他,他实在是要采取避孕措施
    了,他对这个村民说,只要他戴安全套的话,他的老婆以后就不会再生小孩了。
    一个月后,工作小组发现,这个村民的老婆又怀孕了,医生非常气愤,把那人
    叫来,问他为什麽没有戴安全套。
    这个村民答道:“我确确实实戴了,可是,过了六天,我给尿憋坏了,只好
    把前面那部分剪掉啦。“


    一个老头坐在公共汽车上,这时走上来一个嬉皮士,他头发染成了红色、绿色、
    黄色、橙色...还戴着只羽毛耳环,嬉皮士看到老头在瞧他,就问:“嗨,怎麽啦,
    老头?你难道没做过发疯的事吗?”
    老头回答:”是啊,有一次我干过一只鹦鹉,我还以为你是我的仔儿呢。“


    一天,儿子看到父母在作爱,于是儿子就问:”喂,你们在做什麽?父亲答道:
    “儿子,我正往你妈油箱里加油呢。”
    儿子说:“噢,那她可以一气开好远的路程了,今天早上牛奶店的老板也给她加了 一次。”


    两位传教士被非洲的一个食人部落抓住,被剥光了衣服放在一只装满水的大锅里,
    下面燃着熊熊大火。过了一会,其中一位传教士突然大笑起来。另一个传教士简
    直不敢相信这时真的,问道:“你怎麽啦?我们正被活活烹煮,你竟还笑德出来!”
    那位传教士回答:“我刚刚在汤里撒了一泡尿啊。”


    一个女患者坐在牙医的治疗椅上,牙医说“我要钻了啊。”
    女患者说:“钻吧,医生。”
    牙医说:“可你抓着我的两只睾丸呢。”
    女患者说:“我们谁都不会弄痛谁,是吧?”


    一个矮个老太太在一家快餐厅的柜台前叫了一个汉堡包,柜台里的一个大个子向
    后面大声叫道:“汉堡包一个!”
    里面的那位厨子的块头比他还要大,只见他尖声叫道“好嘞,汉--堡--包--”说着
    抓起一块厚厚的肉片,塞在赤裸的腋下,挥动胳膊将肉夹扁,然后放到炉上烤。
    老太太说:“我想,这是我有生以来所看到的最恶心的事了。”
    柜台里的大个子说:“是吗?那你应该今天早上来的,那时他在做油炸圈饼呢。”


    “律师和精子有什麽共同点?”
    “他们都同样只有千万分之一的机会才能变成人类。”


    一个小伙子正和女友玩耍,他拉下了自己的裤子,她指着他的两腿中间问:“那
    是什麽嘛?”小伙子说:“我也不知道,但我老爸也有这东西,我今晚问问他看。”
    这天晚上,小伙子等父亲洗完燥,就指着老爸的两腿中间问:“这是什麽?”
    父亲回答:“儿子,这是一根阴茎,确切地说,是一根完美的阴茎。”
    第二天,女友问小伙子:“你搞清楚是什麽了吗?”
    小伙子回答道:“知道了,是一根阴茎,确切地说,如果它再短两寸的话,就是
    一根完美的阴茎啦。”


    一对年轻情侣在停车场被抓住了,警察说:“你们知道自己在干什麽吗?”小伙子
    说:“长官,我们在拥抱啊。” 警察说:“哦,是吗?那麽你最好把你那根讨厌的
    东西放回到裤子里,从这滚开。”


    飞机起飞后,机长向乘客讲话,讲完后,竟忘了将话筒关上。他对副驾驶说:“我要
    先去大便,然后再去干那个新来的空姐。”
    那个空姐听到了,急忙从走道走过去,想告诉他话筒忘了关了,但走的时候,不小心
    一个屁股蹲儿摔倒在走道上,旁边的一位老太太低头对她说:“不用着急,宝贝,他
    说他要先拉大便的。”


    “你老婆在前门叫,你的狗在后门叫...那麽,你让谁进来?”
    “让狗进...因为你让它进来后,它就会止住不叫了。”


    一个犹太姑娘回到家里说:“妈,我结婚了。”
    母亲说:“噢,那太好啦!”
    姑娘说:“可他是个阿拉伯人。”
    母亲说:“那可不太好啊。”
    姑娘说:“但是,妈,他是一个阿拉伯酋长,富得让你难以想象,我和他结婚,你和
    爸爸就可以过上舒心的日子了。”
    六个月后,姑娘又回到家中,说:“我爱阿拉伯酋长,但是,老天,他整天就只知道
    干我的屁眼儿,刚结婚时,我的屁眼儿只有一枚10美分硬币那麽大,现在已有一美金
    硬币大啦。”
    母亲责怪说:“傻孩子,就为了90美分,值得你惹上这麻烦?”


    一对夫妇结婚了,三十年后,他们又住到同一个宾馆,同一个房间,妻子脱光衣服,
    躺在床上,并张开了双腿,露出阴户。丈夫看到后,哭了起来。
    妻子忙问:“你怎麽啦?”
    丈夫说:“三十年前,我急不可待地要吃它,现在它却好象急不可待地要吃我!”


    “如果两个女同性恋者同时都来了月经,她们怎麽办呢?”
    “用手指作画。”


    在一个寒冷的冬夜,三个无家可归的流浪汉挤在一起取暖,早上醒来后,左边
    的人说:“我梦见有人抓住了我的阴茎。”
    右边的人说:“我也梦见有人抓我的阴茎。”
    中间的人说:“我梦到我在滑雪耶。”


    一个美国女人和一个伊朗女人在超级市场购物。伊朗女人拿起两颗土豆说:”这
    使我想起了我老公的睾丸。“
    美国女人惊问:”有那麽大啊?“
    伊朗女人说:”不,...有那麽脏。“


    一位女士第一次接受高尔夫球训练,教练说:”你必须握紧球棒,就象握住你老公
    的性器一样。“
    女士拿过球棒,将球击打出去。
    教练说:”很好,完全正确。现在,请把球棒从嘴里拿出来,我们继续进行
    下面的训练。”


    “你为什麽你认为你的手刚好能够到两腿之间?”
    “那是进化的结果,数亿年以前,人类带着鳍走出大海,伸手去够自己的阴茎,
    忿忿地骂道,‘妈的,我怎麽够不着?’后来,有一天,人类够着了,于是,他们
    就开始直立行走了。“


    两个同性恋者同居在一起,第一个人说:“我们来玩捉迷藏吧,我躲起来,
    你找到我的话,我就替你吹箫。”
    另一位问:“如果我找不到你咋办?”
    第一个人说:“我会躲在钢琴后面。”


    在越南战场,一个士兵回到帐篷,对同伴说:“我今天干了一个越南姑娘,用狗交
    式干的,还插了她的屁眼呢!”
    同伴说:“那你为什麽不让她给你吹箫呢?”
    他说:“因为我没找到她的头在哪里。”


    一位漂亮的小姐嗓子痛,去看医生。医生说:“脱光衣服,躺到我的办公桌上,
    将双腿尽可能地张开。”
    小姐问:“那样怎麽能对我的嗓子有帮助呢?”
    医生答道:”对嗓子倒没什麽用,但是我想看看,如果我把我的房间刷成黑色,
    然后在挂上粉红色的百叶窗,会是什麽样子。“


    一个女孩走进一间酒吧,对店主说:”你出两百元,我会为你做任何事情。“
    店主说:”好啊,你把这里的墙壁粉刷一遍。“


    ”女人给你口交的最大好处是什麽?“
    ”使我能够得到五分钟的宁静。“


    一个男人在街上碰到一个妓女,男人说:”我们找个地方去办事儿吧,我有15块
    钱哩。“
    妓女说:”十五块只能让你看一看。“
    ”好吧。”男人答。于是他们到了一个无人的小巷里面,妓女拉下裤子,男人跪
    在地上。由于天很黑,他看不清楚,于是就点燃了打火机。
    男人说:”嘿,你的阴毛...好密啊,好多啊,好光亮啊...真的好漂亮啊。“
    妓女说:“谢谢!“
    男人说:“我能问你一个私人问题吗?“
    妓女说:“可以。“
    男人问:“你撒一泡尿的话,能把所有的阴毛都浸湿吗?“
    妓女说:“当然能。“
    男人说:“好吧,你最好现在就开始尿,因为你下面着火啦!“


    ”你听说那个家伙在裸体部落的事儿了吗?“
    ”据说他的老二挺了起来,走路时不小心又撞到了一堵墙上,结果鼻子给撞折了。“


    一男人下班后回到家,送给老婆一打黄玫瑰。第二天,他老婆在
    后院晒衣服时隔着栅栏同隔壁女人聊天。
    “昨天,”她说,“我老公送了我一打黄玫瑰,我猜他肯定是想
    让我在整整一周的时间里,将两腿叉开,高举到空中!”
    “为什麽呢?”隔壁邻居问,“难道你们家没有花瓶吗?”


    “你知道如何在达到高潮时,让你的老婆发出尖叫声吗?”
    “打电话叫醒她并告诉她你在何处。”


    “知道女人和龙卷风的区别吗?”
    “知道,他们都是在经过一番添吹之后,取走你所有的财物。”


    一个小女孩提出要跟妈妈一块洗澡,妈妈说:“行啊,但是不许向上或向下看。”
    女孩答应了。但洗澡的时候,忍不住看了妈妈那两个地方,于是,小女孩不解
    地问:“妈妈,你那里是什麽啊?”妈妈说:“上面是两个小电灯泡,下面嘛,
    是妈妈的花园。”
    第二天,女孩提出要和爸爸一块洗澡。爸爸说:“行啊,但是不许往下面看。”
    小女孩答应了。但是洗澡时,又忍不住看了那地方。于是不解地问:“爸爸,你
    那是什麽啊?”“噢,那是爸爸的一条蛇。”
    晚上睡觉的时候,小女孩提出来要和父母一起睡觉,爸爸说:“好啊,但是不许
    往毯子下面看!”小女孩答应了。但是,睡觉时,又忍不住好奇,掀开毯子往下
    看,不禁惊叫起来:“妈妈,妈妈,爸爸的那条蛇溜到你花园里去了。”


    在某裸体浴场,一对夫妇正躺在沙滩上晒太阳,这时突然飞来一只蜜蜂,一头钻
    进了那女人的私处,两人都被吓呆了,丈夫急忙用一件外套盖住妻子的身体,自
    己也穿上了裤子,用车子飞速将妻子带到医生那。
    医生检查后对他们说,因为蜜蜂钻的太深了,用镊子无法将它夹出来,需要在丈
    夫阳具上涂上蜂蜜,然后把蜜蜂粘出来。
    涂上蜂蜜后,由于刚才的惊吓,丈夫无论如何也无法勃起,于是医生说,如果他
    们不介意的话,他可以代劳。夫妇俩由于怕蜜蜂在里面会造成伤害,只好同意了。
    涂好蜂蜜后,医生就将阳具插进那女人阴户里,谁知,他越干越欢,竟没有半点
    要拔出来的意思,丈夫忍无可忍,大声呵斥道:“你到底要干什麽?”
    医生满头大汗地回答:”我临时改变了主意,现在我要把这个小东西淹死在里面。“


    一个人想为他的步枪配上一个新的望远镜,于是他到了一家武器商店,让店主给
    他拿一个望远镜看看。
    ”这玩意儿挺管用的,从这儿,你可以清楚地看到我对面山坡上的房子呢!”店
    主夸耀道。
    ”是吗?“那人拿过望远镜向对面山坡望去, http://www.nbabgstore.com/ Spurs Danny Green Jersey,看着看着,他突然哈哈大笑起来。
    店主问:”你在笑什麽?“
    那人道:”我看到那房子里一个赤裸的男人和一个赤裸的女人。“
    店主急忙接过望远镜往自家房子看去,只见他气得浑身发抖,取了两颗子弹交给
    这个顾客说:”如果你能把那女人的脑袋和那男人的那根玩意儿蹦下来,这只望
    远镜就白送你啦!“
    这人拿过望远镜又向对面看了一下,说:”你知道吗?我想我用一颗子弹就可以
    办到了。“


    一男人走进一家药店,隔着柜台他问药剂师是否有什麽药丸可使他整个晚上都能够
    勃起,因为当天晚上会有三个女孩来看他。
    药剂师给了这人一瓶药丸,告诉他每隔三小时服两粒,这样就可以整晚坚挺了,于
    是这人就带上药回家了。
    第二天、 这人又来到药店,给药剂师看他青一块、紫一块的阴茎,并向药剂师提
    出要一些橡皮膏。
    药剂师忙问:“你疯了吗?要在你那根东西上贴橡皮膏?“
    这人说,橡皮膏不是用在那根东西上的,是用在肩膀上的,因为那三个女孩昨晚没来。


    一个来城里打工的乡下妹到电信局想给家乡的妈妈打个电话,一位男营业员说要先
    付五十块钱,乡下妹说:“我没有这麽多的钱,但是如果你让我打电话的话,我愿
    意为你做任何事情。”
    “是吗?那麽跟我来吧。“男营业员说。
    他走进隔壁房间,对乡下妹说:“进来吧,把门关上。“
    乡下妹照做了,接着他又说:“跪在低上吧。“
    乡下妹也照做了,他接着说:“把我的拉练拉开。“乡下妹拉开拉练后,他又说:
    “继续吧,把它掏出来。”
    听到这些,乡下妹就把那根东西掏出来,用两只手握住,这时,男营业员不耐烦地
    说道:“快,快开始嘛!“
    于是,乡下妹将嘴巴靠近那根东西,说道:“喂,你好,是妈妈吗?“


    两位牧师每天都骑单车去上班,但有一天,其中一位牧师没有骑单车,于是另一位
    牧师就问他其中的原因,这位牧师说:“我也记不清了,我想是被偷了吧。“
    另一位牧师就告诉他念十戒,当念到“汝不可盗”时,就会有人承认偷窃了。
    第二天、两个牧师又见面了,那个牧师的车找到了,“你的车找到了啊,你是按我
    说的做的吗?”一个牧师问。
    丢车的牧师答道:“恩,不全是吧,我念叨十戒,当念到‘汝不可淫’时,我好象
    想起来我把车放到什麽地方了。“



    数年前,英国斥资研究为什麽男人性器的龟头部分比柱状体部分大,研究历时两年,
    耗资十八万美金,结果显示,龟头部分大于茎部,可以使男人在作爱时得到更多的
    乐趣。
    该研究结果发表后,德国对此表示质疑,决定自己重新对此进行研究,研究历时三
    年,耗资二十五万美金,得出的结论是,龟头部分大于茎部,可使女人在作爱中得
    到更多的乐趣。
    结论发表以后,加拿大人根本不相信英国佬和德国佬的结果,于是他们开始自己研
    究。经过三个星期的精密计算和研究,整整耗资七十五美金,加拿大人得出结论:
    男人性器的龟头部分比柱状部分大,是为了避免阴茎从手中滑出来,打到自己额头。



    一男人去喝酒,看到酒吧里站着一头驴,驴身上放着一罐钱币,于是他向店主问其故。
    店主说:“如果你向罐中投一枚币并能使驴发笑的话,你就可以拿走整罐钱币了。“
    这人同意了,他向罐内投了一枚钱币,并将驴牵出店外,过了一会,又牵了回来,这
    时,驴大笑不止。
    “好吧,“店主说,”钱是你的啦。“
    一周后,那男人又来到这家酒吧,看到店里又放了一罐钱币,于是问其故。
    “恩,“店主说,”自从你上次来这至今,驴都没有停止大笑过,所以,如果你能够
    让驴停止发笑的话,这罐钱币就归你啦。“
    于是这人又一次将驴牵出酒吧,回来时,驴大哭不已。
    “好吧,”店主说,“但你是怎麽做到的呢?”
    那人回答:“第一次我把驴牵出去后,告诉它我的阴茎比它的大,它马上大笑起来;
    第二次出去后,我就把阴茎掏出来给它看。”



    有一对夫妇,结婚已经五十年了,这天,他们俩坐在餐桌边吃早餐,老头对老太婆说:
    “亲爱的,不知不觉我们结婚都五十年了。”“是啊,五十年前的今天,我们也是一
    同坐在这张桌子旁吃早餐的。”“恩,”老头说,“我们当时好象是裸体坐在这的。”
    “啊,”老太婆动情地说,“你的意思是...我们是不是...”
    接着,两人脱去衣服,重新坐下并互相抚摩起来。“你知道吗?亲爱的,”老太太呼
    吸急促地说,“我的两只乳头还是和五十年前一样烫热。”
    “这我并不感到奇怪,”老头答道,“因为你的一个乳头掉在咖啡里,另一只浸在
    牛奶里啦!”



    一天,超人突然产生了很强的性欲,于是想找个女人发泄一下。他飞到了一座摩天大
    楼顶时,看到一个女人裸体躺在楼顶的游泳池旁正享受日光浴,而且她好象正在做一
    个春梦,因为她不停扭动身体并喘息不止。
    “我好走运呵!”超人心想,同时他拉下裤子拉练,以闪电般的速度和女人干了那事儿,
    然后飘然而去。
    那女人突然睁开眼睛问道:“那是什麽啊?”隐身人答道:“我也不清楚,但我的屁股
    眼确实好酸痛呵!”



    一位德高望重的美国访问日本,并在访问地认识了一位漂亮的日本女孩,这女孩几乎不
    懂英语,而参议员也不懂日语,但这似乎并没有影响他们的交流,两人你情我愿,于是
    就干起了那事儿,女孩作爱时的样子同其他女人真是不同,只见她不断地用日语尖叫并
    做出各种鬼脸。虽然他听不懂日语,但他感到那女孩高潮时的叫声好刺激。
    第二天,他和当地的日本官员打高尔夫球,最后他以比规定击球次数少一击的成绩将球
    击入洞中,这时,他忽然想起那个日本女孩的叫声,于是也学着她那样大叫了一声,日
    本官员迷惑不解地看了看他,又看了看球洞,说:“不,这个洞没错啊...”


    “妇科医生和送皮萨饼的男孩有什麽共同点?”
    “他们都是能嗅得到,但吃不到。”


    一农夫买了几头猪,希望养大后,可以做火腿和腌肉,数周后,他发现没有一头猪怀孕,
    于是就打电话请兽医帮忙,兽医告诉他要采用人工受精。
    农夫根本就不知道那是什麽意思,但又不想让别人看出自己无知,所以他只问了兽医如
    何才能看出猪怀孕了。兽医说,只要看到猪在泥浆里躺下来并不停打滚,就说明它们怀孕了。
    农夫挂了电话,思讨了一下,得出的结论是:人工受精就是要他给这些猪受精。于是他
    将这些猪悉数装上卡车,拉倒小树林里,并挨个把它们干了一遍,完事后,又把它们全
    部拉回来。
    第二天醒来后,农夫走到猪圈,看到猪都仍一个个站在那里,他想,肯定是第一次没有
    成功,于是他又用卡车把猪拉到小树林里,这次,为了保险起见,他很卖力地将它们各
    干了两次。
    第二天一早,他起身到猪圈,发现猪还是站在那里,没动静,他心想,在试一次吧,于
    是又把猪装到卡车上拉到小树林里,用了整整一天的时间,一遍又一遍地挨个干这些猪,
    回到家里,累得一头倒在床上,昏睡过去。
    第二天,
    他几乎起不了床了,于是让他老婆去看看猪是否都已经躺在泥浆里了。他老婆
    回来告诉他:“不,猪全都跑到了卡车上了,其中一头还在不耐烦地用嘴巴按喇叭呢。”


    什麽东西放进去以前是干的,拿出来时是湿的,而且还给人以温热的满足感?
    茶袋。


    什麽东西,6英寸长,2英寸宽,上面有小脑袋,而且女人为它痴迷?
    钱币。


    如果一条6英寸长的阴茎可以迷住10个女人的话,那麽一条18英寸长的
    阴茎可以迷住多少女人?
    两百万。


    亚当对夏娃说什麽?
    你最好往后站一些,我不知道这东西到底会变多大。


    为什麽女人的两个洞离的那麽近?
    怕你找丢了。


    为什麽男孩子读《花花公子》和《凤的杂志》有好处?
    因为这样可以提高手-眼的协调能力。


    女人作爱时最不喜欢听的几个字是什麽?
    亲爱的,我回来啦。


    母蜗牛作爱时一般会说什麽?
    快一点,快一点!


    计算机和女人有什麽不同?
    计算机不会取笑一只3.5寸的软盘。


    一人经过一栋房子时,突然从二楼窗户飞下来一只用过的安全套,刚好落到
    他的头上。这人感到即恶心又恼火,于是他走到这栋房子的大门口,使劲敲打大门,
    一个老头开了门,问他为什麽这麽大力敲门,这人质问道:
    “谁住在二楼?”
    老头回答:“这和你有什麽关系?上面住的是我女儿和她的未婚夫。”
    这人将那只安全套递给老头,说:
    “好吧,我只是想告诉你,你孙儿从窗户掉下来啦!”


    一位农村的年轻人到大城市谋生,一个低贱的妓女将他带到一家便宜的旅馆过夜。
    上床的时候,她递给他一只安全套让他戴上,他有些迷惑不解,于是妓女把安全套套在手指上给他示范。
    不久他们就开始作爱,突然妓女发现年轻人没有戴安全套,于是她打开灯,问道:
    “你为什麽没有按我刚才给你示范的那样戴安全套?”
    年轻人答道:“我有戴啊!”说着给她看手指上的安全套。


    一位女士参加一个研讨会,当有人问她对安全套的感觉时,她回答:“那取决于
    里面装的是什麽。”


    一人和他的一只猪和一只狗遇风暴,被抛在一个孤岛上,过了不久,这人突然
    产生了很强的性欲,于是决定上其中一个动物,经过一番比较,选定了猪作为
    目标,因为猪看起来更可爱些。
    他将猪抓住,固定在船尾,并脱下自己的裤子,这时,狗突然跳过来,对着他的
    屁股,狠狠地咬了一口,这人一脚把狗踢开,但猪也给跑掉了,他只好去追猪,
    然后再把它固定到船尾。他拉下裤子,正准备插进去时,狗又跑回来咬了他的屁
    股,他恼火地把狗踹出去好远,但是,猪又给跑掉了,就这样,他一遍又一遍地
    抓猪,猪一遍又一遍地跑掉,最后,这人累的躺在地上,睡着了。
    过了一些时间,这人醒来了,发现面前站着一位赤裸的美人,美人对他说:“我
    被派到这里来满足你的任何愿望,但只限一小时,之后我就会离去,有什麽愿望,
    你就提出来吧。“
    这人想了一下说:“你能不能在这一小时里,帮我抓着那只狗,别让他乱动?”


    有个人,来到本地一家健身馆想减肥,好使自己苗条些,健身馆里备有各种
    健身计划,看来挺复杂,于是,这家伙选了一种最便宜的,就是在一小时内
    减掉一磅。他被带到一间房子里,里面站着一个赤裸的女孩子,手里拿着个
    牌子,上面写道:“如果你能抓住我,就允许你干我!”这家伙立即接受了
    挑战,开始追逐女孩,但每次都是快要抓住女孩时,又给她跑掉,一个小时
    过去了,他仍没有抓住那个女孩,健身教练带他去称了一下体重,刚好少了
    一磅。“这挺不错嘛,”这家伙心想,“我既能减肥,又能开心耶。”
    这次,他选了一个稍贵些的减肥方案,可以在一小时内减去两磅。他被带到
    一间房里,里面站着两位全裸的女孩,手里都拿着牌子,上面也写道:“如果
    你能抓住我,就允许你干我!”这家伙十分兴奋,拼命地追赶这两个女孩子,
    最后还是一个也没追到,一小时后,教练又给他称了下体重,刚好掉了两磅肉。
    这时,这家伙被激怒了,他告诉经理,他要选用最贵的减肥方案,经理向他
    保证他一定能够在一小时内减去十磅,但是又补充说,这个方案十分危险,这
    家伙心想,不就是再多几个女孩吗,越多就越有机会,至少能够抓住一个吧。
    他催经理赶快把他送到那个最贵的房间去,尽管经理不断向他声明危险。
    于是,这人被带到一个稍远些的一间房子里,他们让他进去后,在外面锁上
    了门,房间里灯光昏暗,等待他的是一只黑猩猩,只见它手里拿着一个牌子,
    上面写道:“如果我抓住你,我就干你!”


    一个男人到牙医那去检查牙齿,检查的时候,牙医问他:“最近你口交
    了吗?“
    这人回答:“是啊,确切地说,是今早干的,你怎麽知道我口交的?是不是
    看到我牙齿上有阴毛?“
    牙医说:“不是,我看到你鼻尖上沾了一点屎。”


    一对男女正在进行性爱的前戏,女人说:“你干嘛不让我的阴户讲话呢?”
    “怎样才能让它讲话呢?”男的问。
    “把你的舌头放进去,它就可以讲话了。”女人答道。


    从前,有一粒精子,他和成千上万的其他精子住在一块,但是这粒精子却不同,
    他梦想着一个光辉的日子,他和他的小伙伴们能够被释放出去,好完成
    一生中最伟大的使命。
    一天,他们发现自己所寄宿的男人在作爱即将达到高潮时,总是放慢或停止
    动作,因此这只小型部队很难通过关口。
    一天晚上,这粒精子对同伴说:“真是受够了,下次这家伙快达到高潮时,
    我们就一起猛冲出去。”
    期待的时刻终于到来了,他们都鼓足了劲正要冲出去时,跑在前面的精子大叫
    道:“快退后,快退后!这家伙是插在屁眼里的。”


    一对贫穷的男女结婚了,婚后两人只能和两位老人共用一张双层床,他们住
    上铺,两个老人睡下铺。新婚燕尔,对性的需求可以想象,但在这种情况下,
    又不好意思直接说,于是他们定好暗号,当想作爱时,就说:“亲爱的,你
    想吃橘子吗?”
    于是,每天晚上,丈夫都会问妻子:“亲爱的,你想吃橘子吗?”直到有天
    晚上,睡在下铺的老头打断了他们,老头说:“你们吃这麽多橘子我不管,
    但能不能请你们别把橘子汁滴到下面来?”


    一张嫖妓的欠单送到了参议院,一个参议员站起来说:“我相信,如果
    是我们欠的,我们会付的!”

    有一个寡妇,守寡已久,难耐寂寞。因此她决定结婚,於是她提出徵婚条件?
    1.不可以打她。2.不可以离开她。3.要很会干那档事。
    隔日,有个没手没脚的男人来找她。寡妇问他符合什麽条件?
    他说:《你看,我没手不能打你,我没脚不能离开你,至於那档事
    吗......,你想想我刚刚是用什麽敲门的?》

    One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.
    有个女孩向神父告解她所犯的罪………

    Girl: Father, I have sinned.
    女孩:神父,我有罪。

    Preacher: What did you do, little girl?
    神父:孩子,你犯了什麽罪呢?

    Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a "son of a Bitch."
    女孩:昨天,我骂了某个男人一句:「你这个狗娘养的!」

    Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?
    神父:为什麽?他对你做了什麽吗?

    Girl: He touched my breast.
    女孩:他……他摸我的胸部。

    Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)
    神父:你是说像这样子吗?(神父伸手摸女孩的胸部)

    Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.
    女孩:(因为神父的举动而有一些害羞)嗯……是的。
    Preacher: That's no reason to call him that.
    神父:只是这样子的话你没有理由骂他啊。

    Girl: But he also took off my cloth.
    女孩:但是……他又把我的衣服脱掉……

    Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)
    神父:你是说像这样子吗?(神父动手脱掉女孩的衣服)

    Girl: Yes, that's what he did.
    女孩:是的,是这样子没错。

    Preacher: That's still no reason to call him that.
    神父:可是这样子你还是没有理由骂他啊。

    Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...
    女孩:然後……他把他的……那个……放到我的……那个……里面……

    Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)
    神父:(奸笑貌)你是说像这样子吗?(神父和女孩就那个那个了)

    Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, that's what he did...
    女孩:(数分钟後)喔……是的……就是这样子………
    Preacher: My dear girl, that's still no reason to call him a...
    神父:我亲爱的孩子,就算是这样你还是没有理由骂他「你这个………」

    Girl: But he had AIDS!!
    女孩:但是他有 AIDS 呀!!

    Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
    神父:那个狗娘养的!!!

    有个漂亮的单身女警
    因为怕一个人独居太危险
    所以养了一只凶恶的狗防身

    有一天
    当这位美丽的女警正在洗澡时
    窄小的公寓突然发生火警
    女警匆匆披上浴巾逃出火场
    可是没穿内裤又觉得很不好意思
    於是女警就把大狗叫过来
    让狗闻一闻她的下体
    希望狗能依着她的味道
    回房里叼一件内裤出来

    这只狗的鼻子的确不错
    只见它不畏漫天大火
    左去右回三十秒
    相当迅速地叼来女警挂在衣橱里
    最粗最长的那根警棍 ...Ccc

    弟弟一生专作坏事,所以死後下了地狱.
    与他感情很好的哥哥上了天堂,
    天堂的哥哥每天看着无聊的风景,
    有天,就向天使要求跟地狱的弟弟联络,
    於是兄弟就隔着影像电话聊天,
    哥哥看到弟弟背後有着数不完的美酒,
    和看不完的美女,
    就跟弟弟抱怨说,
    "弟弟啊,地狱的待遇比天堂好多了耶"
    弟弟说:
    "哥哥,你知道吗,
    这里的美酒罐子下面都有洞,
    可是美女下面都没洞."

    在系办公室 黄夏留教授看见副主任肖英纯的独女在玩黄教授问小女孩“叫什
    么名字啊?”  小女孩回答说“叫凤梧” 黄教授连连称好。这时肖英纯非常
    得意说道“那是我给她起的因为我生她的那天夜里梦见一只凤凰栖在梧桐
    树上,因此决定取名凤梧。”
    黄教授一听看了看小女孩笑了起来调侃的对小女孩讲了一句“ 真好险啦
    要是你妈梦见一只鸡在巴蕉树上,那你就成鸡巴啦!”

    两小儿辩日 由 常勃士 于 April 30, 1998 21:32:17:

    大意如此:有一天,孔夫子在村头散步,遇见两个小孩,争论问题:
    是刚开始日时深呢,还是日到中途时深?第一个小孩说: 当然是
    刚开始日时深,因为他看见他爸爸那玩玩意刚开始时很大. 另
    一个小孩说: 不对,是日到中途是深,因为他看见他爸爸妈妈都
    是在日到中途时,汗流夹背,日得最热.
    两小孩见孔夫子过来,就请他评评理.夫子想了想,两小孩讲得
    都有理儿.只好尴尬笑道:"我最近忙着写论语,好久没操了.忘
    了深浅.我这就回去实践."小孩嘲笑道:"原来圣人也有不知道的
    事儿."

    这故事收在中,哲理是:不实践就不知深浅.

    话说在美国某小镇上,有一位老邮差要退休了....
    镇上每户人家知道此事,纷纷在老邮差最后一次送信时,
    送给他一分精制的退休礼物。

    老邮差就这麽沿著旧离情依依地送著信,满心温情地收下礼物?
    送到史密斯家时,史密斯夫人热情地招呼他入内,
    呈上一杯香浓的咖啡,请老邮差在楼下稍带一儿,
    她也有一份特别的礼物要送给老邮差,五分钟后,
    夫人一袭性感薄纱站在二楼楼梯口,轻声换老邮差上楼来。
    老邮差心这也是人家一番厚意,总是不能推却.......
    唉!拼了老命也不能辜负人家........
    於是两人便乌云风雨一番。
    礼物收完之后,老邮差向夫人答谢,正要转身离去时,
    夫人喊道∶「等一下,我还要给你十元呢!」
    这时老邮差不得不纳闷,怎麽有这麽好的事呢?
    便问夫人∶「难道史密斯先生不介意?」
    夫人答道∶「这事是我先生昨晚和我商量好的...」
    老邮差听了更是惊讶.....
    夫人继续说∶「昨天晚上,我和我先生聊天时提到你快要退休了,
    我问他∶『我送老邮什麽礼物?』
    他就说∶『Damn! That old Fool! Fuck him!
    Mmmm... Give him ten dollars!』

    夫妻二人吵打一完,便和好如初了。
    妻子说:“很对不起!我把你面孔抓破了,有了伤
    痕,在路上散步时怎么办?”
    丈夫答:“不要紧,我手里抱一只猫就行了。

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    汪沛是河南开封市人,1983年生,其父亲汪海洋,64岁,籍贯山东,现住开封市。此人在80年代因犯罪被公安局劳教过,数年前因报假警被开封市公安局开发区分局拘留。汪海洋对被拘留一次告了5年,后来公安局赔了其5百元。但汪海洋却到处宣传是公安局错误拘留,并大肆宣传自己维权成功。汪海洋儿子的女朋友的朋友有一个亲戚是河南法制报的,为汪海洋策划了一个方案:找一些有律师代理快赢的案子,让汪海洋以免费维权的名义也介入,这样等官司打赢了,就说成是汪海洋的成绩。至于没成功的案子就不提了。

    开封市公安局开发区分局局长候锁柱同志曾在河南电视台采访时,一直坚持认为公安局的拘留没错。
    就这样在报道了几次后,汪海洋就拿着报道过自己的报纸以维权为名到处行骗,但凡是被维权过的人都揭发其行骗,汪海洋对揭发他的人大肆辱骂并人身攻击,揭发他的有上百人,他骂的也有上百人, http://forum.book.sina.com.cn/thread-4817828-1-1.html 开封王海洋王沛禽兽父子。您在百度力输入《汪还洋公民维权网》就知道了。
    汪海洋辱骂别人的方式是:在网上骂别人父女通奸、母子通奸,说别人是骗子等,很多网友保留了证据。
    汪海洋不识字,不懂法律,年老体弱,在上述的一些活动中,需要文字上的东西时,就由其儿子汪佩书写,骂人的语言真是不堪入耳。可能贵校领导认为我们所言不真,那么很好验证:让汪海洋当场书写一份东西,他根本写不出来!就连电脑打字也不会!您可能会说,即使汪海洋不会写东西,但也没证据能证明是其儿子写的啊。那么我们也想在此问一下领导:学法律的儿子不看搞维权的父亲的网站,不知道这现实吗?要知道,汪佩一家人没有正当职业,汪佩本人的所有学费都是由其父亲的所谓维权骗来的钱完成的。当汪海洋因辱骂女人张艳琴被起诉时,汪本人怕败诉后没脸维权了,竟哭着说,一家人的生活费还要靠其维权来养活呢,这说明了什么?





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  3. 开封王海洋王沛禽兽父子 2013.01.04 19:17 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply




    人民群众在揭露了开封强奸劳改犯汪海洋以维权为名搞诈骗的事后,其中涉及到胡星斗先生,汪海洋公开承认收了钱,网友们要求其列个名细表,汪海洋始终不敢列。胡先生说自己没收钱,参加会的也没有收钱,那好,就算你们没收钱,我们在此问一下,汪海洋这种行为该当何罪?群众拿很多钱是要求解决问题的,不是让开什么会的。

    其中参加会的还有什么养生会馆的人,还有什么"中国艺术研究院的国学辣妹妹"........国学辣妹是干什么去了?你们不感觉可笑吗?

    其中有《人民维权网》记者,这种网站是非法的,非法的单位的,其人也是非法的人,非法的人的活动也是非法的!!!这道理胡先生能不懂?汪海洋邀请你参加会时,会议什么内容参加的都是什么人难道你不要事先了解一下?



    你不认识汪海洋?汪海洋个人的网站上, 你可是第一顾问,也是唯一的顾问!!!社会现实生活中,稍微有点身份的人谁会给一个强奸劳改犯当顾问???全中国也只有你胡先生一人啊!



    你知道汪海洋父子以维权为名骗过的有多少人吗?仅河南省就有上百人,这些人早就在网上将汪海洋父子揭发了,汪海洋父子恼羞成怒,对揭发他们父子的人破口大骂。您可能会问这些人为什么相信一个强奸劳改犯,大家就是因为看到大名鼎鼎的您在当顾问,而且汪海洋说您专门解决大事,是中国的一些法律的修改人,能直接见胡温,所以大家才找他维权。请您在百度里输入开封汪海洋,看看揭发他们父子的有多少人!!!

    您不知道汪狗父子骂了多少人?那我们随便给您提供一些名单:

    泌阳老曹、周口现代、周口残疾人、天问、黑脸大眼、车骑将军、zxb2007、时间007、王文杰、王一川(大河网新闻中心记者)、中原侠客(大河网网民记者)、海蓝蓝、大河采风、九歌[大河网贵宾],燕子飞飞[大河网贵宾],ZXB2007[大河网贵宾],为民[大河网焦点版前斑竹],于无声处[大河网南阳版前斑竹],一叶方舟[大河网网友记者],时间007,伸张正义,黑脸大眼,农家女[大河前斑竹],。。。[女,大河网网友记者],,王文杰,海蓝蓝,大河采风,游客[大河论坛前主要管理人员],莫尼卡[大河论坛前主要管理人员],每个角落[大河论坛管理人员]等近百人。

    这些人都被汪海洋骂为:骗子,流氓,坏蛋。



    依据《中华人民共和国民法通则》第五条 公民、法人的合法的民事权益受法律保护,任何组织和个人不得侵犯。第一百零一条 公民、法人享有名誉权,公民的人格尊严受法律保护,禁止用侮辱、诽谤等方式损害公民、法人的名誉。汪海洋的侮辱、诽谤等方式已损害公民、法人的名誉,将承担因此而引起的法律后果。



    4.汪海洋所谓的维权方式是:让集体反映情况的当事人集资数万元,然后派个代表,由汪海洋约上几个人在北京召开个所谓的学术研讨会之类,拍个照就算完事了,也不当啥用。这不是骗人吗?很多农民听汪海洋自称是中国的法律专家,他一参加这个会事就解决了。可等农民花了几万元钱,实际上没一点作用,这不是骗人吗?



    一:2007年8月3日关于广东东莞横沥镇月塘村土地征用补偿费案例座谈会,是汪海洋去找农民组织的,让农民集资,在北京开了一个所谓的土地研讨会,不知汪海洋分了多少钱?



    二:2008年9月27日关于河南省汝州市临汝镇坡池村村治一案的学术研讨会,是汪海洋去找村主任张永周组织的,不知汪海洋父子要了多少钱,更不知汪海洋父子分了钱之后这样搪塞一下村民良心可安?



    三:2009-10月30日,汪海洋以维权为名,骗取湖南省洞口县270户村民8万元,在吃了喝了拿了旅游一番之后,到现在没了下 文。



    四:山东临沂地区300余名被错误下放的教师的权益需要维护,汪海洋前去找老教师谈判,然后由几名老教师代表,于2010年6月12日在北京参加了所谓的学术会,开后就没了下文!

    汪海洋在网上承认所有费用由老教师集资的。网友们让其列个明细表,但汪海洋一直不敢列。



    4.以维权为名骗周口市公安局印章厂魏德钊同志3枚金印章,一本古书。据魏德钊讲:3枚金印章总价值可达9千元。



    在很多情况下,汪海洋在对当事人吃过喝过拿过之后,说无权可维。如果给无权可维的人维权是不是诈骗、行骗?维权人明知无权可维,又不尽告知义务,反而引导当事人、并继续受其委托、收受费用,其行为为欺诈、诈骗、行骗行为。

    无权可维,不尽告知义务=欺骗、诈骗、行骗

    被委托后不尽其维权责任===涉嫌欺诈、哄骗

    可以确认汪海洋借维权之名行骗。



    这些人其中一部分可以联系到,如:

    魏德钊 电话:13603875911 住址:周口市建设中路180号,原周口市公安局印章厂厂长

    被辱骂过的一会儿些人联系方式:

    曹辉 13323964976 13343964855住址:驻马店泌阳县文明路中段

    李孟平,驻马店人, 电话:13683896133. 邮箱:teio@163.com

    程军锋:13837192727 ,邮箱:cjf5188@163.com

    王一川 wang13703971779@126.com(大河网新闻中心网民记者)

    张胜卫13837513317(禹州人,其父亲被汪海洋无辜骂成骗子、黑社会)

    大河网版主:为民

    金博大律师事务所赵律师,曾代理过大河网与汪海洋的官司,认为汪根本不懂法律,胡搅谩缠。

    张艳琴,女,汉族,13526552574,住郑州市金水区庙李镇张家村142号(因汪海洋辱骂自己是娼妇将汪告上法庭) 。

    新乡市几位农民被汪海洋以维权为名骗走2000元后就没了下文,打汪海洋电话不接。

    新乡被骗农民电话请与上述人联系即可



    汪海洋父子办有两个网站:

    1.汪海洋公民维权网



    E-mail:kfwhy@126.com

    电话:0378-2581580 2581581 手机:13069333953

    网站上全是骂人帖子,不给钱不删帖

    2.开封恒远商务投资咨询中心地址: 河南开封河南省开封市学院门街23号外贸大厦802-803室

    电话: 86-378-2552666

    手机: 13069333953

    此网站未经工信部备案(属于非法网站,属于公安机关打击对象),税费、产品交易、也没记录,这应该购成诈骗。

    , http://forum.book.sina.com.cn/thread-4817828-1-1.html 开封王海洋王沛禽兽父子;

    综合以上情况,我们认为:汪海洋父子哄骗了胡星斗先生,并打着胡先生的旗号在骗人。我们相信胡先生是为民着想的好人,被坏人给利用了。也奉劝胡先生不要再给汪海洋父子骗子网站当顾问了,否则以后被骗的群众还会连您一起上告的,到时您跳到黄河也说不清了。



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    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

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    01。atm___another techincal mistake
    02。bbs___逼必死
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    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

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    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

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    不爽若是我想要发□的话我会打一大堆的东西来发□心中的不快埋藏在心里的
    不爽到了一个程度的时候尤其是作业写不完考试考不尽社团也要忙实在是有够
    不爽的想找人出来聊天也找不出来所以只好利用许多反覆无意义的言词来发
    不爽这样心里才能爽否则若是只像你文章开头写出你不爽里面却只有那几个字
    不爽怎麽能够被解决呢所以若是真的想要发□那就多打几个字可是像我这样把
    不爽这个词尽量移到前头需要花很多的脑筋在想的时候会多花精神最後反而更
    不爽真是自讨苦吃的行为所以虽然可以利用一些有的没有的东西去表达心中的
    不爽但是你可以不像我这样还要耍酷玩这些吃力不讨好的花招以免让自己更加
    不爽说到耍酷我女朋友曾经骂我爱学人家摆酷却又放不开这句话也让我十分地
    不爽可是这句话又说得没错我就是这样的人摆出一些很酷的样子背地却在那里
    不爽然後又没地方发□因为我有错所以我想要向我的女朋友道歉以免她也在那
    不爽是不是因为我最近的行为颇令她失望所以她才不理我我要检讨让大家不会
    不爽可是她好像一直在逃避我我想找她说话总是没有两句就结束了这已经让我
    不爽要怎麽办呢我也不知道也许只有顺其自然吧作业那麽多做都做不完也是个
    不爽的要素没事那麽多作业干嘛难怪大家都在抄用抄的分数还比我高看了就很
    不爽辛辛苦苦写的作业把不会的空者写不出来没交是我的作法也许老师会有些
    不爽可是这是表示我对我自己诚实的作法没有什麽不对偏偏有些人就是看我很
    不爽认为我可以用抄的为何不抄奇怪我不抄干他什麽事他不高兴难道我就不会
    不爽吗不过偶而我也会抄作业缺交太多也不太好所以我不可以说太多以免他们
    不爽不借我抄作业那我的分数就会很低甚至不及格被当掉到那时候就是我爸妈
    不爽的时候了可恶我明天还有作业要交我还打那麽多东西真是疯了可是我就是
    不爽刚好又看到这个标题就顺手写了这一大堆东西这些东西才能发□我心里的
    不爽嘛你说是不是不过千万不要学我无聊打这一堆东西搞到自己累死而且还是
    不爽说不定你可以帮我分段加标点符号也许心里会好一点不过若是你弄完依然
    不爽请你不要怪我毕竟我不是心理医生不知道你的烦闷在哪里所以与我无关。
    不爽啦!
    你爽了吧!

    看的我都有一点不爽!!!
    真的不爽!!

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    二十四孝

    这是我以前的剪报,也许大家都看过了…
    作者:傅伯宁

    我的邻居老太太养了一群孝顺的儿子,昨天她过八十岁生日,我应邀去她家吃饭,不
    禁叹为观止。一开饭,陈老太太就对我说:来来来,别客气,这是我大儿子躺在冰
    上,
    求来的鲤鱼。二儿子听了有点不高兴地说:娘,人家抱著竹子哭了两个小时,才弄到
    的笋子难道就不好吃了?陈老太太笑嘻嘻地说:好吃,好吃,好吃得不得了。说完指
    著一碗玉米浓汤对我说:这里头加的可不是牛油。这时三媳妇哇地喊了一声,掩著脸
    跑开了。陈老太太得意地说:嘿嘿,里头加了两种奶,一种是我三儿子披著鹿皮取来
    的鹿奶,一种是我三媳妇自己的人奶。陈老太太看了我一眼说:我四媳妇已经很久没
    有割大腿肉了,你放心的夹肉吃吧。四媳妇娇嗔了一声说:娘,过去的事就别提了。
    陈老太太不以为然说:百善孝为先,这有什麽好避讳的?从前我生病的时候,你丈夫
    还尝我的大便有没有甜味呢。五儿子见我目瞪口呆,赶快打圆场说:吃饱了,来点水
    果吧,这是我采的桑椹,保证不酸。六儿子也笑著从袖子拿出一个橘子说:这个也
    很甜。七儿子匆匆走入房中,穿著一身彩色服装,拿著一个铃鼓出来,开始载歌载
    舞。
    陈老太太对我眨眨眼,低声说:这是馀兴节目。时间不早了,我起身向众人告辞,这
    时窗外突然起风,顿时雷电交加。众儿子齐喊:娘,别怕,我们在这儿陪您了。陈老
    太太捂住耳朵大骂:天呀,你们的声音比雷还大。众儿子显得很不好意思。回家以
    後,
    我儿子对我说:老爸,明天买一辆机车给我好不好?星期日我想带我马子去兜风。我
    听了忍不住嚎啕大哭起来。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    鬼笑话(一)

    从前有一户有钱人家,家里只有爸爸妈妈和一对兄妹,那个妹妹很不幸的死於车祸,
    从此这家人都笼罩在愁云惨雾之中。
    有一天,有个人在公园散步,突然看到一个非常漂亮的小姐的背影,穿著白色的衣
    服,
    还围著一条蓝色的丝巾。哇!好美啊!这个人心里这样想著,於是他就跟著这个小
    姐,
    想看她住在哪里。结果被那个小姐发现了,还以为他是色狼,於是急急忙忙就跑掉
    了。
    慌乱中那条蓝色的丝巾掉在地上,那个男的就捡起了纱巾,尾随著她,结果跟著跟
    著,
    就跟到那个有钱人家家门口了。他亲眼见到那个小姐进了那家人的门。因为他手上有
    纱巾,就大胆地去按门铃,结果出来一个老太婆,问:你要干嘛?
    他说:我要找你们家小姐。
    那个老太婆脸色臭臭地说:你找错人了,我们家没什麽小姐。
    砰地一声就把门摔上了。
    这个年轻人天天在附近等,都没有等到那个小姐。最後这个年轻人终於死了心。搬离
    了这个城市。
    许多年後,这个年轻人也长大了,而且事业有成,某一天因为职务上的需要又回到这
    个城市。他忍不住又想起了这个有著漂亮背影的小姐,於是他就跟接待他的人讲,要
    回去那家有钱人家看一看。那个接待他的人就陪他去了。
    到了那边,他居然又看到那个小姐,一样穿著白衣,围著蓝丝巾,走进了那一户人
    家。
    他就问那个接待他的人,知不知道那个小姐是谁,那个人叹了口气说:唉,说起这家
    人,也真是够可怜的了,他们家的小姐,年纪轻轻地就死了。她哥哥跟她感情很好
    的,
    因为遭受不了这个打击,也发疯了。从那时候起,就常常扮了他妹妹的样子在附近闲
    晃………

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    W.C.

    看了这麽多笑话,觉得该有所贡献,所以post一篇从Η大某系系刊中的笑话给大
    伙解解颐。全文如下∶

    有位英国老妇人到瑞士想找间房子安享馀年。她向当地的一名老师请教,终於找到一
    个合适的地方,然後即启程回英国整理行李。回到英国後才想起,那儿似乎没有「方
    便的地方」,或如她所称呼的,没有W.C.(按∶watercloset),所
    以就写信问那位老师。老师被「方便的地方」弄的一头雾水,心想∶她既然来安享馀
    年,「方便的地方」指的应该是卫斯理教会(按∶wesleyanchurch
    ),
    所以那位老师回信了。

    亲爱的夫人∶
    平安!!
    W.C.在房子九哩之外,位於美丽树丛中,能一次容纳三百五十人。每周二、四和
    周日开放,夏天会有许多人前往,所以请早。虽然有许多空间能站,有些人喜欢带中
    饭来,在这玩一天。特别是在周四,这时後会有风管合奏,音响极佳,连细微声音都
    听的见。
    您应该会很高兴知道,我在此遇见心上人,也在此结婚,这实在方便。我们将举行一
    场义卖,希望您能赶来共襄盛举,此次目标是购买绒毛座垫,每位参与者皆觉得这是
    长久以来所急需的,目前座位上已是坑坑洞洞。
    内子娇弱,所以不能定时前往,她已六个月没去了,当然,她因不能常去而感到痛苦
    万分。
    最後,竭诚欢迎您的到来,我乐意帮您在前排或靠门处留位,完全看您较愿意在哪个
    角落。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    给我报报啦!

    在李登辉提过摩西故事之後,中视马上决定要播出美国旧片出埃及记,请问关於此事
    各界的反应如何?

    1。台视主管∶
    总统先生不久前曾经赞扬猪哥亮先生为杰出艺人,所以我们已经决定要二十四小时转
    播猪先生精彩的餐厅秀,而为了表示对猪先生精湛表演艺术的尊敬,节目中猪先生所
    说的任何黄色笑话都将不做消音处理,此外广告部份将只播猪先生的经典广告片系
    列:
    斯斯,还有亚补。希望全国大众能藉此解到猪先生究竟杰出在哪里。

    2。华视主管∶
    其实总统先生讲摩西故事的重点是在不相信摩西的人会被雷劈死这一段。为了让全国
    同胞能切实了解这一点,我们将要开拍一部新的八点档年度大戏∶黄飞鸿与白莲教,
    在戏中,黄飞鸿不相信白莲教,屡屡和白莲教主作对,还倡导广东独立运动,结果最
    後白莲教主祭起了垄断媒体大法,招来了一阵乱雷,就将黄飞鸿劈死了。
    此外前几天因为总统先生曾经垂询杨丽花小姐最近怎麽都没有演戏啊?,所以我们决
    定要请杨小姐扮演白莲教主这个角色。

    3。峤台联合声明∶
    我们要强调一点就是,我们这个点子其实比某友台还要早想到,只是酝酿期稍微长了
    一些。我们对总统先生所说过的任何一句话绝对都是仔细推敲,反覆研究。我们对总
    统先生的耿耿忠心,为天地可表,如滔滔江水,一发不可收拾。希望社会大众明鉴。

    4。台大医院院长∶
    为了响应总统先生最近一直倡导的生命共同体观念,本院已经决定∶本院今後将不再
    为连体婴进行分割手术,因为分割一个生命共同体实在是一项民族罪行,会被天打雷
    劈的。
    此外本院仅在此向过去被本院分割成功的连体婴表示歉意,如果有想要再连回来的,
    本院将免费为您进行手术。(crazyalpha,也就是疯狂快乾胶公司,已经
    答应赞助此类手术,本院在此一并致谢)

    5。星云大法师∶
    其实总统先生所说的摩西故事在佛教中也是有的,想当年孙悟空就是不相信如来佛,
    还在佛前做猥亵的动作,结果被乱石压顶,受苦了五百年,真是阿弥陀佛,善哉善
    哉。
    所以贫僧对总统先生所说的话深有同感,决定自今日起连开七七四十九日西游记讲
    座,
    好好地对十方大德做开示,欢迎踊跃参加。

    6。大象洲∶(大家叫我阿旺就好了)
    现在大家知道了吧,有胆就不要相信我老师,不要投票给我,到时你们就等著被出轨
    的捷运砸得头破血流吧!

    7。巷口太子庙的乩童∶
    为了响应总统先生的号召,本庙决定改供奉摩西祖师。太子爷不过是有风火轮,摩西
    祖师有五雷轰顶大法,法力高强多了。而且摩西祖师出自高层推荐,出名牌一定会更
    准的,祖师今夜子时第一次开坛,我将会表演让淡水河分开的绝技,请各位善男信女
    踊跃参加。

    8。一九九五年润八月的作者∶
    看了台湾目前的情况,我决定将书名改成一九九四年十二月……

    9。高中男生∶
    我们现在都在祈祷总统先生会说出:“满清”腐败,在国父“十大”革命後,仍不求
    改进,反而以”酷刑”对待革命志士。

    (记者在采访到此段话後,深有同感,立刻也加入了祈祷的行列,所以采访中断…
    …)

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    如何在台湾读理工学院……。

    这不是笑话,这是一个教育上的问题…。如果你不是故事中所说的人那我们一起来找
    出台湾教育的问题吧……。

    一架爱独克星人的太空船正停在月球的背面……。他们正为1999年的入侵地球计
    画做准备……统战部的主任拟定了一个入侵地球大学的计画…。他想在地球所有大学
    都有人混入做统战工作……他已经做好了调派,此时有一个部下提出了异议…。
    部下t:主任!为什麽,同样是混入大学理工系的工作,别人的i是7(相当地球智
    商140),而我只是6(120)就可以身任…。
    主任:这样啊,你是入侵哪个国家?
    部下t:中国的台湾地区……。
    主任:喔…。国情不同嘛……。
    部下t:不会吧,理工系不是都先告诉你一些基础的定理,然後利用这些定理,去做
    一些推导,来解决一些问题吗,重点是训练你解决问题的思考能力,以属下的能力,
    只能很快的记忆很多结果,我没有独立思考的能力。
    主任:那就够了啊,你只要一到那边,注意以下几点就好了……
    1。除非一定要修的科目以外,千万不要修太操的科目…。
    2。作业不用自己做,可以和别人(讨论),或是找到解答本…
    第三点最重要你要好好记好……
    部下t:是!
    主任:第三点,是有关考试的,你千万要记住,你一定要把课本内。一些解题的方
    法,
    一步一步的记好,至於为什麽这一步会是对的,只要问别人为什麽,把为什麽记起来
    就好了,不必浪费时间去想它这个为什麽是由一些很基本的定义导出来的,还是用别
    的结果去讲结果的。
    部下t:那不是很危险吗???要是题目出变化性一点,要是作业和课本内没有类似
    的哪我不是只有基本分吗??
    主任:所以告诉你一定要把基本分拿好啊,因为有70%的人都在基本分以下啊!
    部下t:主任!达成目标中不是有要我们至少要达到该校的20%吗???
    主任:那你放心,如果第一次考试这样的话,那教授下一次,一定放水!如果没有放
    水,那最後一定调分,如果没有调分,那那个教授会被骂得乱七八糟,甚至被系主任
    约谈。峤次平均下来一定有前20%!
    部下t:我还是有疑问唉,如果大学教育是这样那该国不是没有发展技术的能力吗,
    训练出来的工程师不都是只会照著书上写的一步一步做,只会做一些技术上的工作
    吗?
    主任:我就说国情不同嘛,该民族专制已久,统治者的心理你不懂吗???如果教人
    民有思想那不是造反的快吗,你想在大学联考中,把最会背的人拿来当律师,国家的
    司法系统,就好控制多了,把最聪明的人拿来当医生,让他们每天做机械式的工作,
    让他们衣食充足,就不会造反了,剩下来的,让他们读一些不用太多思考就可以过的
    书,国家不就在掌握中吗????
    部下t:可是该国的经济力还是不差啊!!
    主任:该国是取以钱来砸钱的政策,先用污染,盗版的优势来赚钱,再用钱的优势来
    搞工业,不注重技术的开发,可以维持一段时间,但国力受制於外国很多。
    部下t:我懂了,但是事实上我们不必渗透该国该国不就会亡吗。
    主任:啊!这样一说我到忘了,只是要你学习该国人民如何在现有短缺的能力下,如
    何硬撑,这和我们战略提升上有很大的帮助,顺便也为你上一课…
    於是部下t也踏上了旅程…………。

    待续……。下集是如何在台湾考到国立大学…。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    1997年元旦头条重大新闻!

    天堂通讯社洛杉叽一月一日电:
    圣母玛利亚今日托请律师,向美国洛杉矶联邦巡回法庭正式提起民事诉讼,控告上帝
    耶和华犯有遗弃罪,要求赔偿拖欠的子女赡养费,精神损失费,及拖欠达两千零三十
    年之久的利息,共十二万二千二百五十亿七千零八十六万三千八百二十四美元。玛利
    亚声称,耶和华在两千零三十年前一个风雨交加的晚上,不期而来,用极其令人痛苦
    难堪的人工授精方法,强致使她处女同贞之身怀孕而生下了耶稣基督,无强奸之名,
    有强奸之实,令她在世人中饱受非议歧视,险被众人以石头瓦片砸死。因此要求赔偿
    精神损失。又嫌犯耶和华曾答允在孩子出生之后,将负责赡养保护。然而耶和华在犯
    案使玛利亚怀孕之后,即行逃遁,两千多年,杳无踪迹可寻,以至连耶稣基督因事惹
    祸,被活活钉死在十字驾时,亦不肯施展其法力,救亲儿子的性命。遗弃亲子,罪无
    可恕!近来欣闻美国新任开明总统克林顿上台以来,重视家庭价值观念,通过了保护
    妇女及儿童权益的一系列联邦法律,故此前来洛杉矶联邦巡回法庭投诉。接受玛利亚
    委托的律师,是美国当代最著名的辩护律师约翰尼?科克伦。科克伦律师曾经接收辛
    普生一案辩护,成功地在证据确凿,无可辩驳的情况下洗清了辛普生的杀妻罪名,最
    近更出谋划策,替辛普生争回两个亲生子的监护权。科克伦对采访他的记者表示,他
    对打赢这场官司信心时足:“就是块埋了两千年的石头,照样要挖出来晒晒洛杉矶的
    太阳”,他打趣地说。法庭已向耶和华下了传票,限六个月到庭听审。如果被告六个
    月内不出现,即作缺席审判处理。天堂通讯社记者方舟子曾设法寻找耶和华以询问其
    对此诉讼有何评论,没有成功。此间法律专家们分析,玛利亚即使胜诉,获得赔偿的
    可能也不大。因为耶和华自使玛利亚受孕之后,即毫无踪迹可寻,更有宇宙大爆炸专
    家们确信耶和华现在一定已逃遁至两百多亿光年之外的宇宙边缘之外了。

  21. 2013.10.03 18:16 Address Modify/Delete Reply

    비밀댓글입니다

 

 

안녕하세요, 바이리뷰입니다.

 

디자이너 쥬얼리 브랜드 글램뮤즈 리뷰어를 발표합니다.

 

여리
꼭지라미
스타일찐짱
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비아
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히메W

 

체험단에 선발되신 모든 분들께 축하의 인사를 드리며, 아울러 좋은 리뷰를 작성해주시길 바랍니다.

신청해주신 모든 분들께 감사의 인사를 드립니다.

항상 바이리뷰를 응원해주셔서 감사합니다.

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    Remember when we were promised that the digital world was going to turn our worlds upside down, making them so much more efficient and easy? Well, sometimes it can feel like we were all sold a bill of goods. From Blackberries that buzz at all times of the day to in-boxes crammed with messages we don't even care to read ("Prescriptions from Canada!" "Find Singles in your Area!"), it can be enough to send us running and screaming back to the simple pen and paper. But don't head for the hills just yet. Chances are that your computer use has made a huge impact on your life in many good ways too. You probably even had one of those "what did we all do before the Internet, http://www.yaoflowers.com/ china florist?" moments this week alone or maybe you've reconnected with someone from ten years ago thanks to the likes of Facebook. Rather than allowing frustration to build because of inefficiencies, you can employ a few, simple techniques for containing the cyber clutter.



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  18. danjiangkou florist 2013.01.30 15:43 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

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    截鼻补眼 隋朝有僧人三藏法师,其父本是胡地商人,他本人生在中原,但面貌仪容,仍是胡人的
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    小儿应声反驳道:
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    挥落。小儿即起身对法师说:
    “如意既折,辩锋亦摧。”说完行礼而去。三藏恼怒又惭愧,越发无话可应。众人见状
    无不欢笑。
    ——旧题隋·侯白《启颜录》

    幼儿机辩 《论语》上记载孔子评论周代礼仪说:“郁郁乎文哉!”是说周代礼仪丰富多采。又记
    载孔子说:“草上之风必偃。”是说统治者的作风像风,百姓的作风像草,风往哪边吹,草
    往哪边倒。晋代王绚,是王彧(yù)的儿子。他六岁时,外祖父何尚之很赏识他,教他读
    《论语》。古人有避长者名讳的规矩,读书遇到与长辈名字相同的字,要改读成别的字。当
    读到“郁郁乎文哉”时,因为“郁”和“彧”同音,而且吴地人称呼父亲为“爷”,所以何
    尚之与外孙开玩笑说:“这一句可改为‘耶耶乎文哉’。”
    王绚立即拱手回答道:
    “尊者之名,怎能拿来开玩笑?如果这样,‘草上之风必偃’是不是也能改为‘草翁之
    风必舅’?”王绚说的“翁”即指何尚之,因“尚”与“上”同音;“舅”指何尚之的儿子
    何偃。
    ——旧题隋·侯白《启颜录》

    聪明者不长寿 南朝齐主客郎李恕,身材矮小,却穿一件长长的袍子,卢询祖的腰很粗,却捆一条短衣
    带。李恕开卢询祖的玩笑说:
    “卢郎腰粗带难匝。”
    询祖马上反唇相讥:
    “丈人身短袍易长。”
    “丈人”是对老人的尊称,因李恕年纪大,所以卢询祖称的“丈人”。李恕见没难住卢
    询祖,便又加一句:
    “卢郎聪明,必不长寿。”
    卢询祖立即答道:
    “我看到老大人白发苍苍,也就知道自己不算太愚蠢。”
    ——唐·朱揆《谐噱录》

    一只凤 《论语》上记载有个楚国狂人路遇孔子时唱歌道:“凤兮凤兮,何德之衰。”晋初人邓
    艾口吃,与人说话时常自称“艾……艾”。晋文帝司马昭与他开玩笑说:“你说‘艾艾’,
    共有几个‘艾’?”邓艾立即对答道:
    “楚狂人唱的‘凤兮凤兮’,指的是一只凤。”
    ——唐·朱揆《谐噱录》

    鳖踢脚 苏东坡与司马光议论事情。司马光的说法,与东坡不合,东坡说:“您这番议论,像鳖
    互相踢脚。”
    司马光不解其意,问道:“鳖怎能踢脚?”
    东坡说:
    “所以我才说您是鳖踢脚。”
    ——宋·苏轼语明·王世贞次《调谑编》

    方口和尖口 唐朝有个进士姓“单(单)”,他到官署应试时,官署里的人把他的姓误写成“”。
    他便请求说:
    “我虽然出身并不在名门世家,但姓氏也不愿被人随意改动,请为我改正过来。”
    官署的人说:“方口和尖口差不多,何至于这么认真?”
    那人立即反问道:
    “那么,‘台州吴儿县’改成‘吕州矣儿县’,行吗?”
    ——宋·天和子《善谑集》

    不死之药 有人献给楚王长生不死的药,有位射士把药拿来吃了。楚王要杀他,他分辩道:
    “我以为它是不死之药,所以才吃了它。现在若为此而杀了我,那岂不成了杀人药了
    吗?”
    楚王笑着放了他。
    ——宋·周文玘《开颜录》

    水土不同 齐国大臣晏婴出使到楚国,楚王听说他机智善辩,想使他折服,便预先让人捆一个囚
    徒,在楚王接见晏婴时,押着这囚徒从殿前经过。楚王便问:“这是个什么人?”楚王的左
    右答道:“是齐国人。”楚王又问:“他犯了什么罪?”左右回答说:“偷盗。”
    楚王便回过头来看着晏婴责问道:“你们齐国人有偷盗的爱好吗?”
    晏婴答道:
    “大王肯定听说过,橘子生长在江南,到江北就变成枳,这是因为江南江北的水土不
    同。这个人在齐国不偷盗,到楚国来就偷盗,由此可见,是楚国的水土人情使他变成这样了
    吧?”
    ——宋·周文玘《开颜录》

    “水草大王”与“夫人” 李茂真的儿子李从曮(yǎn)在凤翔当节度使。有一次,他过生日,秦凤、魏博等地的
    地方官都派使者来送礼祝贺。秦凤的使者长相丑陋,多胡须,而魏博的使者则白皙美貌,像
    个女子。饮酒时两人正好坐在一起,魏博使者开玩笑说:
    “今天不幸,与水草大王坐在一块儿。”
    秦凤使者当即回敬道:
    “夫人不要多嘴。”
    众人听了,大笑不止。
    ——明·谢肇淛《五杂俎》

    狗国 齐国大臣晏婴身材短校他出使到楚国,楚国人在大门旁边开了个小门,请晏婴进去。晏
    婴不进小门,说:
    “出使到狗国才从狗门进,现在我到楚国来,不应当从狗门进。”
    进宫后,楚王问晏婴:“齐国没有人了吗?”晏婴答道:“齐国首都临淄,繁华得很。
    人们的衣袖全张开就像帐篷,每个人挥去脸上的汗,就像下雨,怎么能说没有人?”楚王反
    问道:“那怎么会派你这样的人到楚国来?”
    晏婴回答说:
    “齐国派使音,有能力的人才派去见有能力的国君,无能的人派去见无能的国君。我是
    最无能的,所以派到大王您这儿来了。”
    ——明·郭子章《谐语》

    将蝗虫押来 钱穆甫为如皋县县令。有一年天旱,蝗虫为害,而与如皋相邻的泰兴县县令却欺骗上
    司,说:“本县境内无蝗虫。”
    不久,蝗灾大起,上司责怪下来,泰兴县令无话辩解,只好说:“我们县本来没有蝗
    虫,都是从如皋县飞来的。”并发文书让如皋县加紧捕捉蝗虫,勿使邻县受害。钱穆甫接到
    文书后,在下面写了几句话,又将文书发回泰兴。那几句话是:
    “蝗虫本是天灾,并非县令无才。既从敝处飞去,却请贵县押来。”
    ——明·郭子章《谐语》

    眼热 有个叫王文成的,新近被朝廷封了爵位,同僚中有个人很眼馋。有一次,王文成入朝,
    戴了一顶帽子,两边有垂帛遮住耳朵。那个同僚见了笑道:“先生耳冷吗?”王文成答道:
    “我不耳冷,先生眼热。”
    ——明·浮白斋主人《雅谑》

    骗人出门 朱古民有文才,为人机敏,善开玩笑。有一天,他在汤生的书斋里,汤生对他说:“你
    平日多智谋,假如今天我坐在屋里,你能把我骗到门外吗?”朱古民说:“门外风大寒冷,
    你肯定不愿出去;假若你在门外站着,我利用屋里有座、暖和舒服引诱你,你定会听我的。”
    汤生信了他的话,出门站在外面,对朱古民说:“你怎么能骗我进屋?”朱古民拍手笑
    道:“我已把你骗出门了!”
    ——明·浮白斋主人《雅谑》

    侍郎相谑 明代景泰年间,兵部、刑部的官员聚在一起。当时于谦为兵部尚书,这个职务古代称
    “大司马”;俞士悦为刑部尚书,这个职务古代称“大司寇”。
    刑部侍郎同兵部侍郎开玩笑说:“于公是大司马,您不就成了少司驴了吗?”兵部侍郎
    反唇相讥道:
    “俞公为大司寇,您就是少司贼了!”
    ——明·浮白斋主人《雅谑》

    “驸驴”与“侍狗” 副使官崔允是驸马崔元的弟弟。他刚考中进士时,与一同考中的王侍郎的儿子王寅一起
    去看望王寅的同乡前辈。那人询问崔允是谁,王寅说:“这位是崔驸马的弟弟。他哥哥是驸
    马,他是驸驴。”
    崔允即刻反击道:
    “这是王侍郎的儿子,他父亲做侍狼,他是侍狗。”
    ——明·浮白斋主人《雅谑》

    洗马 刘定之升任洗(xiǎn)马官,在帝王或太子出行时,骑马为先导。有一天上朝时,他遇
    到少司马王伟。王伟与他开玩笑说:“皇宫里的马多,洗马要一匹一匹地洗。”刘定之答道:
    “何止皇宫的马,各位司马如果脏了,我也要洗洗。”
    ——明·浮白斋主人《雅谑》

    “增广”与“检讨” 内乡县人李蓘(gǔn)做翰林检讨官,他弟弟叫李癊(yīn),却长期为增广生员,未考
    得一官半职。李蓘写信给弟弟说:“你今年增广,明年增广,不知增得多少?广得多少?”
    李癊回信说:
    “你今日检讨,明日检讨,不知检得什么?讨得什么?”
    ——明·浮白斋主人《雅谑》

    “秃”字 苏州太湖包山寺有位僧人叫天灵,博学通文。曾有个秀才调侃他说:“秃驴的‘秃’字
    怎样写?”
    天灵答道:
    “把秀才的‘秀’字的屁股弯调转过来就是。”
    ——明·浮白斋主人《雅谑》

    红米白米 有个人新近丧母,偶然吃了顿红米饭。一个迂腐的儒生便指责他在居丧期间不该这样
    做。丧母者问他什么原因,他说:“红色是喜庆的颜色,居丧时不该吃。”丧母者反问道:
    “那么,吃白米饭的人,都是有丧事吗?”
    ——明·浮白斋主人《雅谑》

    贼道人 寿春有位道人,拿了自己的小像求学士解缙在上面题诗。
    解缙写道:
    “贼,贼,贼。”
    道士愕然。解缙继续写道:
    “有影无形拿不得。只因偷却吕仙丹,而今反作蓬莱客。”
    ——明·浮白斋主人《雅谑》

    “面上豆”与“肚里草” 常熟人严讷,长了一脸麻子。新郑人高拱作文章时,常常先在腹中起草。当时的人常笑
    他俩一个是“苏州盐豆”,一个是“河南蹇驴”。二人有一天相遇,高拱对严讷说:
    “公豆在面上。”
    严讷反唇相讥:
    “公草在肚里。”
    ——明·江盈科《雪涛谐史》

    徐广文 明代人徐广文,性情狂放,善调谑,机智聪敏。他年轻时,曾与侍御唐万阳一起游历。
    一天晚上,二人坐在灯下,广文打瞌睡,万阳将他叫醒,并出句子让他对。上句说:“眼皮
    堕地,难观孔子之书。”
    广文对句说:“呵欠连天,要做周公之梦。”万阳听了大笑。
    又有一天,徐广文乘船,正值夏月,而天气却很凉爽。船家叹道:“长江无六月。”广
    文马上接过话头说:
    “对,过了五月,就是七月。”
    船家听了大笑。
    徐广文参加科举考试前,地方官设宴为他们送行。第二天,他到督学衙门拜谢,守门人
    勒索他银子,才为他通报。广文给了他银子,等守门人通报过之后,却不进门,要转身离
    开, http://www.nbabigstore.com/ James Harden Swingman Home Jersey。守门人只好还了他的银子,他才进去。
    ——明·江盈科《雪涛谐史》

    年老官小 吴中之俗,人们喜次相互开玩笑,不避贵贱。有一个乡官,职位低微,迎接一妓女下
    船,突然问妓女道:
    “人都称你‘小娘’,为何年纪却又老了?”
    妓女反驳道:
    “您既称为老爹,为什么官职又小?”
    ——明·江盈科《雪涛谐史》

    隐语为对 有个读书人家里很穷,他的朋友过生日,他想去祝贺,却没有酒,只好拿了一瓶水。见
    了面时,他对朋友说:
    “请让我以歇后语给您祝寿:‘君子之交淡如。’”
    朋友即刻答道:
    “醉翁之意不在。”
    ——明·江盈科《雪涛谐史》

    打便是不打 一个秀才,夏日里到寺中去参拜一个禅师,这禅师却坐在那里,不起身行礼。秀才很惊
    奇,便问他为什么,禅师答道:
    “我不起身便是起身。”
    秀才听了,便以扇柄狠狠敲了禅师的头一下,禅师也惊奇地问他为什么,秀才答道:
    “我打你便是不打你。”
    ——明·潘游龙《笑禅录》

    梦是反的 有个人告诉朋友说:“昨天夜里我梦见自己在大哭,这肯定不是好兆头。”朋友解释
    说:“不妨不妨,阴阳相反,夜里梦见大哭,白天里就是大笑。”
    那人又说:
    “如果阴阳完全相反,那么夜里梦见有我在哭,到了白天岂不是无我在笑?”
    ——明·潘游龙《笑禅录》

    破锅不卖 卖锅的人常当着买主把锅底掷地作声,以表明自己的锅结实无损。有一次,一个卖锅的
    把锅一掷,却掷破了,他便对买主说:
    “像这样的锅,是不卖给你的。”
    ——明·冯梦龙《笑府》

    鹿和獐 王安石的儿子王雱(pāng)只有几岁时,有位客人把一只鹿和一只獐关在同一个笼子里
    献给王安石。正好王雱在跟前,客人便问他:“你知不知道哪一只是獐,哪一只是鹿?”
    王雱其实并不认识,他想了一会儿,答道:
    “獐旁边的是鹿,鹿旁边的是獐。”
    ——明·冯梦龙《古今谭概》

    上达下达 《论语》上记载孔子说过:“君子上达,小人下达。”意思是说君子通达于仁义之理,
    而小人通达于财利。有两个人,一个叫达毅,一个叫王达,二人同为郎中官。一天签署公文
    时,王达开玩笑戏弄达毅说:
    “每次签名时,都以你的上半作我的下半。”
    达毅应声答道:
    “君子上达,小人下达。”
    ——明·冯梦龙《古今谭概》

    于谦对僧人 明大臣于谦年幼时,母亲把他的头发梳成双角。有一天他在学馆玩,僧人兰古春见到
    后,逗他说:“牛头喜得生龙角。”于谦立即对出下句:“狗口何曾出象牙。”兰古春听了
    感到很惊奇。
    于谦回家后对母亲说:“以后不梳双髻了。”过了几天,兰古春又过学馆,看到于谦已
    梳成三角发髻,又逗他说:“三角如鼓架。”于谦又对道:“一秃似擂槌。”
    ——明·冯梦龙《古今谭概》

    戴大宾妙对 戴大宾八岁时在学校里,老师指着厅上的椅子出对说:“虎皮褥盖学士椅。”大宾立即
    对道:“兔毫笔写状元坊。”老师很惊奇。
    十三岁时,戴大宾在乡试中得中,有个做官的来访谒他父亲,见大宾在庭院游戏,还是
    个稚童,以为不过是个小学生,就出对子试他说:“月圆。”大宾即对道:“风扁。”那人
    问:“风怎么会扁?”大宾答道:“一有缝就钻进去,不扁怎能做到?”那人又出一个句子
    说:“凤鸣。”大宾应声答道:“牛舞。”那人问:“牛何尝能舞?”大宾解释道:“《尚
    书》上说:
    ‘百兽率舞。’牛不在其中吗?”
    ——明·冯梦龙《古今谭概》

    “容易”对 明成祖朱棣曾对学士解缙说:“有一个书上的句子,很难对出下句,这个书句是‘色
    难’。”解缙随口答道:“容易。”
    过了一会儿,成祖还未理解,问道:“你既然说容易,为何这么久还没对上?”解缙答
    道:“刚才已经对上了。”成祖这才省悟,大笑起来。
    ——明·冯梦龙《古今谭概》

    面貌一样 一个人抱着儿子在门外站着,另有一个人走过来逗乐占便宜说:“可见父子骨血,真是
    一脉相承,只看你抱这个孩子的模样,与我的面貌就一模一样。”
    抱孩子的人答道:
    “你与这孩子原是一母所生的兄弟,面貌当然一样了。”
    ——清·石成金《笑得好》

    云生足下 有个叫丘琼山的人,小时候跟着老师在乡里一官宦人家私塾读书。他很聪明,远近闻
    名,可那官宦人家的孩子却最不喜欢读书。
    有一天,老师外出,官宦人家的孩子也偷偷跑回家,只有丘琼山还在学堂学习。当时天
    下大雨,丘琼山的座位上方正好是个瓦缝,雨漏下来,滴在丘琼山的肩上。于是,丘琼山就
    把那个官家公子的座位移到漏雨的地方,把自己的座位换过去。
    老师回来后,官家公子看到丘琼山占了自己的地方,便向老师告状。老师说:“我出对
    子给你们对,谁对上了,就算谁有理。”接着说出上联:
    “点雨湿肩头。”
    丘琼山脱口答道:
    “片云生足下。”
    这个下联暗含自己将来会步上青云的意思,老师十分赞赏。官家公子对不上,觉得既羞
    愧,又恼怒,便回家哭着把这件事告诉了他父亲。
    他父亲大怒,把丘琼山召来,又出个对联考他:
    “孰谓犬能欺得虎?”
    意思是:“谁说狗能欺负虎?”把自己的儿子比作虎,把丘琼山比作狗。丘琼山立即答
    道:
    “焉知鱼不化为龙!”
    意思是:“怎知鱼有朝一日不能变成龙?”相传黄河鲤鱼跳过龙门即化为龙,古人常以
    此比喻某人科举中第,一下由平民变成高官。这位做官的听了丘琼山的话,很吃惊,明白他
    将来怕是不同凡响,便说好话安慰一番,送他回去了。
    ——清·褚人获《坚瓠集》

    优人巧智 有位郡侯庆祝生日,他管辖的一郡六县的地方官都来祝寿。唯独崇明县尹迟到了,等他
    来到,郡侯家的大门已经关闭。县尹进不了门,彷徨无计,便召来一个祝寿的优人,对他
    说:“你若能让郡公请我进去,我就重重赏你!”优人答应了。过了一会儿,里面酒宴桌前
    要优人唱戏祝兴,优人先高声朗诵道:
    “黄堂太守不是人!”
    满座宾客听了这话,都大惊失色。旁边一个配角凑上来问:“不是人是什么?”这个优
    人回答说:
    “却是天上老寿星!”
    座中宾客听了这话,才松了一口气,并露出笑容。只听那优人继续朗诵道:
    “今日八仙来庆会,眼前只少吕洞宾!”
    旁边的配角马上接过话头说:
    “吕洞宾因为到东海中去弄仙桃来献,所以来迟了一步,现在已在门外了!”
    郡侯听了这话,明白了其中的含义,便命令开门,把崇明县尹请了进来,与里面的人恰
    凑成八位。郡侯也很高兴,厚赏了那位优人。
    ——清·褚人获《坚瓠集》

    大大人 湖北一个县尉是江南某大官的亲哥哥。他见人时常说:“在江南我哥哥的官署中,别人
    见了我都称‘大大人’,你们不应该小看我!”
    有位叫方畅弇的人听了这话,便对县尉说:“您本身就是一个绝妙的对子,您知道吗?”
    县尉问什么对子,方畅弇说:“我们见了大官要自称‘卑职’,您见了我们又要自称
    ‘卑职’,所以您不就成了‘湖北卑卑职,江南大大人’了吗?”
    ——清·独逸窝退士《笑笑录》

    讥太监 明朝嘉靖年间,一个太监奉命到浙江办事,与司北关南户曹、司南关北工曹在一起饮
    酒。酒席间,这太监瞧不起两位官员,便出了一个有侮辱意的上句,要官员们对。出的句子
    是:
    “南管北关,北管南关,一过手,再过手,受尽四方八面商商贾贾辛苦东西。”
    这个太监自己原本地位很低微,曾在皇宫中守门,所以官员便对出下句相讥:
    “前掌后门,后掌前门,千磕头,万磕头,叫了几声万岁爷爷娘娘站立左右。”
    ——清·独逸窝退士《笑笑录》

    萝卜对 有一家请了个教书先生,主人对先生饮食供奉得很差,每餐只让先生吃萝卜。先生心中
    不满,但嘴上却不说。
    有一天,主人请先生饮酒,也借机考考儿子的功课。先生便预先对学生说:“令尊在酒
    席前如果让你对对子,你看我筷子夹什么,就以什么对。”学生答应了。第二天,东家摆了
    酒席,请先生上座就坐,学生侧坐。主人说:“先生每天费心,想必令徒的功课肯定每天都
    有长进了。”先生说:“若说对对子,还算可以。”
    于是,主人说道:“那么,我出个两字对让学生对对看。这上句是:核桃。”学生看着
    先生,先生拿筷子去夹萝卜。学生便对道:“萝卜。”
    主人听了说:“对得不怎么好。”便又出一句:“绸缎。”先生又用筷子夹萝卜,学生
    便又对道:“萝卜。”主人问:“绸缎怎么能对萝卜?”先生接过话头说:“萝是‘绫罗绸
    缎’的‘罗’,卜是‘布匹’的‘布’,有什么不可?”
    主人无话可说,只好再想题目。他抬头看到隔壁东岳庙,便出题说:“鼓钟。”先生又
    用筷子夹萝卜,所以学生仍然对“萝卜”。主人说道:“这回更对不上了。”先生又接过话
    头说:“萝是‘锣鼓’的‘锣’,卜是‘铙钹’的‘钹’,有什么不可以?”
    主人听了,说:“勉强之至。”便又出个二字对说:“岳飞。”先生又夹萝卜,学生又
    对“萝卜”。主人说:“这可不行。”先生说:“岳飞是忠臣,萝卜是孝子,有什么不
    行?”主人听了大怒,问道:“先生为何总让学生对萝卜?”先生也发怒说:
    “你天天叫我吃萝卜,好不容易请客,又让我吃萝卜。我眼睛看的是萝卜,肚里装的也
    是萝卜,你为何倒叫我不教令郎对萝卜?”
    ——清·小石道人《嘻谈录》

    该开门 有个人很喜欢唱戏。有一次,他探亲回来晚了,被关在城门外,于是便高声叫门。把门
    者见是他,便说:“你唱一段给我听,我就放你进来。”那人说:“唱就唱,只是我唱的时
    候,你要配合,帮我接个下句。”把门人说:“就依你。”那人便先说道白,自称是关云
    长,高声叫:“周仓!”城上把门人答道:“有!”那人又说:“关爷爷在城外了还不快
    迎!”把门人又应道:“得令!”那人接着说:
    “你既然知道关你爷爷在城外了,就该开门,为何还敢叫我唱戏?”
    ——清·游戏主人《笑林广记》

    抵旧帐 老虎要抓小猴子来吃,猴子骗老虎说:‘我身子太小,不够供您吃的。前山有个巨兽,
    能让您饱餐一顿,我愿意带您去。”
    虎便跟着猴子来到山前。一只鹿看见了,疑心老虎要来吃自己,便大喝道:
    “小猢狲!你答应给我弄来十二张虎皮,如今只送来这一张,还有十一张在哪里?”
    老虎听了,吓得拔腿就跑,一边跑一边骂:
    “原来这小猢狲如此可恶,倒要拐骗我来抵旧帐!”
    ——清·游戏主人《笑林广记》

    出学门 学校里新盖了个碑亭,一个读书人带一个妓女一同去观看。看到碑下驮重的龟,读书人
    与妓女开玩笑说:“你父亲在这里,为何不下拜?”妓女立即下拜,口中念道:
    “我那大爷,看你这样磨磨蹭蹭,什么时候才能出学校门!”
    ——清·游戏主人《笑林广记》

    饭中石头 有个穷人留客吃饭,家里的米不多,妻子怕做的饭太少,在客人面前不好看,便先用鹅
    卵石放在锅里,上面放米做饭。丈夫陪客添饭时,不小心把饭挖尽,露出了石头,感到很羞
    愧,便假装责骂仆人说:
    “瞎了眼的奴才,淘米的时候,眼睛长在哪里啦?这样大的沙石,都没拣出来!”
    ——清·游戏主人《笑林广记》

    潜龙对 东桥公在楚地做官,张太岳当时仅十岁,来参加童子考试。东桥惊奇这么小的孩子竟能
    对句,便出题说:
    “雏鹤学飞万里,风云从此始。”
    张太岳立即对道:
    “潜龙奋起九天,雷雨及时来。”
    东桥大喜,解下腰间的金带赠给他。
    ——清·粱章钜《巧对录》

    小童戏军士 有个人叫蒋焘,小时候就很聪明。有一天,他父亲的一个做武官的朋友带他去佛寺游
    玩。武官指着殿上的佛像出对说:
    “三尊大佛,坐狮、坐象、坐莲花。”
    蒋焘马上对道:
    “一介书生,攀凤、攀龙、攀桂子。”
    出寺后,武官的一个随从部卒拉住蒋焘的衣服问:“你刚才对的什么句?”蒋焘答道:
    “我对的是:‘一个小军,偷鸡、偷猫、偷芥菜。’”
    有一次,蒋焘的爷爷带他游佛寺,看见蒋焘从台阶上跳下,随口说道:“三跳跳下
    地。”蒋焘应声对道:“一飞飞上天。”
    还有一次,父亲正陪客人坐,出对说:
    “冻雨洒窗,东二点,西三点。”
    这个句子中“冻”字拆开就是“东二点”,“洒”字拆开就是“西三点”,所以难对。
    谁知蒋焘在一旁接口对道:
    “切瓜分客,上七刀,下八刀。”
    ——清·梁章钜《巧对录》

    对句与出题 一个姓陆的官员与一个姓陈的官员一起饮酒。陆见陈头发稀少,便出句戏弄他说:
    “陈教授数茎头发,无法(发)可施(数)。”
    陈答道:
    “陆大人满脸髭须,何须如此(髭)。”
    陆听了大为赞赏,又戏弄道:
    “两猿截木山中,这猴子也会对锯(句)?”
    陈对道:
    “匹马陷足泥内,此畜牲怎得出蹄(题)!”
    ——清·梁章钜《巧对录》

    假畜牲 有位姓贾的名士住在乡里。有一天,刚下过雪,天气寒冷,他身披貂皮大衣在门前闲
    立。有个邻居少年外号叫“倪麻子”的,走了过来——此人很聪敏,好戏弄人。贾看见他穿
    着木屐,就说道:“我有个对子,不知你能不能对?”倪问什么对子,贾说道:
    “钉靴踏地泥(倪)麻子。”
    倪说道:“对倒是能对,就是不敢,怕对出来得罪您。”贾说:“我不怪你。”倪便应
    声对道:
    “皮袄披身假(贾)畜牲。”
    ——清·梁章钜《巧对录》

    有幸不需媒 明朝礼部右侍郎程敏政十岁时,以神童被推荐到京城。宰相李贤打算招他为婿,便设宴
    招待他。席间,李贤指着桌上的果品出个对子让他对:
    “因荷(何)而得藕(偶)。”
    李贤这样做,一是为了考考程敏政的学问和智力,二是为了探探他对婚事的意见。程敏
    政当即猜测到了李贤的意思,随口答道:
    “有杏(幸)不须梅(媒)。”
    ——清·梁章钜《巧对录》

    连音成对 两个读书人夜晚坐在月下。一人出对子说:
    “移椅倚桐同赏月。”
    另一人对道:
    “点灯登阁各攻书。”
    又相传唐伯虎与友人在郊外闲行,即景出对说:
    “嫂扫乱柴呼叔束。”
    朋友对道:
    “姨移破桶令姑箍。”
    两副对子用的方法相似。
    ——清·梁章钜《巧对录》

    九岁对 镇海人陆志道,小时候对对子思路敏捷。九岁时他应童子试,县令出题说:
    “镇海县童生九岁。”
    陆对道:
    “大清国天子万年。”
    县令很惊奇,把他带到水阁面试,并请他喝茶,又出题说:
    “入阁饮茶,连步可登麒麟阁。”
    陆应声对道:
    “临池染翰,何年得到凤凰池。”
    另有个叫史望之的,也是九岁应县试,县令出题为:
    “闲(闲)看门中月。”
    史望之答道:
    “思耕心上田。”
    ——清·梁章钜《巧对补录》

    徒对师 杭州有师徒六人,老师刁钻乖巧,常常为难弟子,而实际上这老师并无多大学问,五个
    弟子倒很聪慧。
    有一天,他们一同赴省试,要过一道关口。几个人走到时,大门已经关闭了,于是师徒
    相互埋怨。老师说:“有个对子,你们若能对得上,我就认错,否则仍是你们的错。”然后
    说出上联:
    “开关迟,关关早,阻过客过关。”
    一个弟子应声对道:
    “出对易,对对难,请先生先对。”
    老师用的是此时此地的情况,弟子用的也是此时此地的情况,老师很窘迫,说道:“让
    你们对对子,你们偏以对子纠缠,而且硬扯到我身上,这个不算,再重新对。”老师这样
    说,是估计再没人能对了,不料又一个弟子对道:
    “读画易,画画难,推作家作画。”
    老师大惊,只好说每人都要对,想难住其他弟子给自己解围。于是,又一个弟子对道:
    “松扣快,扣扣慢,唯侍儿侍扣。”
    老师说:“还有两个人没对!”于是又一个弟子对道:
    “停磨逸,磨磨劳,雇帮工帮磨。”
    最后一个弟子对的是:
    “听唱寂,唱唱喧,唯解人解唱。”
    众弟子对完了,一齐请老师对,老师说:“不是我不能对,几个好句,都被你们占去
    了,现在我真没什么可对了。”众弟子说:“那我们替先生对吧,下句为:
    “止扇热,扇扇凉,令长随长扇。”
    老师听了,仍然狡辩说:“‘关’对‘画’不妥,对‘扣扣’、‘磨磨’、‘唱唱’都
    不妥,必须另对,方才算数!”众弟子又对道:
    “掌印官,印印仆,有管家管樱——用‘印盈对‘关关’,稳妥吗?”
    “不!”老师说:“‘盈与‘关’虽然意思相连,但还差一点儿。”众弟子斟酌了一
    阵,又合成一句为:
    “设渡费,渡渡廉,便快足快渡。——用‘渡’对‘关’,怎么样?”
    老师很惭愧,终于无话可说了。
    ——清·梁恭辰《巧对续录》

    姓名官职对 明朝嘉靖年间,发生水灾,田地被淹没。有个姓劳的人,号半野,官屯田郎中,当时的
    都水郎中是劳半野的同年顾一江。有一次,顾一江出对子同劳半野开玩笑说:
    “半野屯其田,空劳碌碌。”
    劳半野应声答道:
    “一江都是水,回顾茫茫。”
    ——清·梁恭辰《巧对续录》

    姓祖姓孙 甲和乙二人相互不认识。有一次,他们因事相会在一起,甲问乙姓什么,乙答道:“姓
    孙。”乙又问甲姓什么,甲说:“不敢!”乙很纳闷,问道:“问您的姓,这有什么值得谦
    让的?”甲还是一个劲地推让说不敢,乙执意要问,甲才说:“姓祖。”
    乙听了这才明白甲是利用二人的姓开玩笑,便说:
    “这有什么关系。不过是你祖我孙,我孙你祖而已!”
    ——清·俞樾《一笑》

    本钱已还 甲向乙借钱若干,并讲定二分利息,限期要还清。可谁知甲拿到了钱后,马上躲避起来
    不再露面。乙屡次上门讨债,都见不着他,不得已,只好写信质问,责其还钱。
    甲便先还十几元,过几个月,又还若干元,并以此为定例,结果拖了一年多,才把本钱
    还清,利息却一毛不拔。甲对乙说:“借你的本钱我分文未欠,所沾光的只不过是一点利息
    而已。”
    乙很气愤,便向甲借来一件宁绸长袍,借了之后,也躲起来不露面。过了几个月,才拿
    宁绸一尺还给甲,并写信说:“借你的衣裳,先还你一只袖子。”再过几个月,又以三尺左
    右宁绸还给甲,写信道:“这次还你一襟。”一直拖了两年有余,才把一件袍子的表里布料
    还清。然后,乙对甲说:
    “我借你的尊衣,分寸不少,全部还清了,所沾光的不过是成衣匠的手工钱罢了!”
    ——清·吴趼人《俏皮话》

    拆“公局”为联 清代广东各州县乡镇都设有公局。公局中有绅士、董事,主要负责管理乡人借钱讨债、
    打架斗殴、邻居口角等小讼事。如果利用得好,倒也是个百姓自治的办法。然而,那些绅
    士、董事们往往处理不公,甚至有人仗势横行,营私舞弊。顺德县某公局处理事情时尤其徇
    私枉法,于是有人将“公局”两个字拆开,撰成一副对联为:
    八面威风,转个弯私心一点
    大模尸样,钩入去有口难言
    ——清·吴趼人《新笑史》

    “梁鼎芬”联额 有个叫梁鼎芬的人在湖北做官,他不做好事,结果弄得臭名远扬。当地人用他的姓名字
    形撰成一额一联赠给他。额为:
    梁上君子
    联为:
    一日难支,足下分开两片
    念头太错,颈上须防八刀
    ——清·吴趼人《新笑史》
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    生动说明

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一女孩做家庭作业时要父亲解释气愤和勃然大怒之间的区别。父亲走到电话机随便拨
    了号码,叫女儿仔细听。“喂,”他对接电话的人说道,“我找麦尔文。”
    “这儿没有叫麦尔文的,”对方答道,“你打电话干吗不查查号码?”父亲又拨那个号
    码,问:“麦尔文在吗?”“怎么回事!”那人吼道,“我刚对你说过这儿没有麦尔文。”说
    罢砰然挂了电话。
    “你瞧,”父亲解释道,“这就叫气愤。现在我让你看看什么是勃然大怒。”
    他又一次拨了那个号码,听见一个声音吼了声“喂”时,他心平气和地说:“我就是麦
    尔文。刚才有电话找我么?”


    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    意 外 效 果

    我在庭院中训练狼狗哈利做几个基本动作,正巧友人来访,哈利
    张牙露齿,作势欲扑,吓得友人直抖。我见状急喊:“坐下!”
    不料坐下的不是哈利,而是友人。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    如 此 报 复

    一个妇人到出售热带鱼的鱼店问道:“你能够告诉我什么地方可
    以买到一条活鲨鱼吗?”
    “一条活鲨鱼?”店员莫明其妙地反问道,“你要一条活的鲨鱼 干什么?”
    “我邻家的猫老是到我的鱼池里偷吃金鱼,我要给它一点教训?”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    专 利 注 册

    鸟类学家走进专利注册处。“我已把信鸽和啄木鸟交配成功,”
    他解释道。“产出的混种鸟不但能带信,而且到达时还会敲门!”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    帐 单

    有个男人跛着脚,艰难地走进医院,对住院处的护士说:“请你
    把我安排在三等病房,我是穷光蛋。”“没有人能帮您的忙吗?”护
    士问。“没有!我只有一个姐姐,她是修女,她也很穷。”护士听后,
    生气地说:“修女富得很。因为她和上帝结婚。”“好,您就把我安
    排在特等病房吧,以后把帐单寄给我姐夫就行了。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    心 病 难 医

    一个精神病人多年来总说他胃里有个啤酒瓶。当他患盲肠炎要到
    医院开刀时,外科医生和精神病医生商议,趁机会消除他这个古怪的
    幻想。病人慢慢苏醒过来,医生高举一个啤酒瓶说:“我们总算把它
    拿出来了。”“你们拿错了。”病人尖声喊叫,“我肚子里的啤酒瓶
    不是这个牌子的。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    苍 天 无 眼

    小男孩和他年迈的祖母沿着海岸走着。一个巨浪呼啸而至,将小
    男孩卷进了大海。六神无主的老太太跪倒地上,举目苍天,乞求上帝
    将她可爱的孙子还给她。呼--又一个巨浪打来,将吓呆了的小男孩
    冲到了沙滩上,落在她面前。这位祖母仔仔细细将小男孩看了个遍,
    他丝毫无损。可是老太太还是怒气冲冲地朝老天瞪圆了眼,愤怒地喊
    到:“我们来的时候,他戴着一顶帽子的!”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    逃 即 追

    有人问兵士:“你看见敌人过来怎么就逃了呢?”兵士说:“我
    并不是逃,要知道地球是圆的,我打算兜到他背后去打他。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    消 除 隐 患

    上帝对地球的现状很不满意,便让时光倒流一千万年,地球上又
    出现了原始的森林、草地、兽类、昆虫......。上帝要离去时,对所
    有的动物说:“我把这个世界交给你们了,你们还有什么要求吗?”
    动物们立刻一群群地朝上帝跪下,齐声叫道:“上帝呀!请您把猴子 们灭绝吧!”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    示 范

    在实弹射击训练中,有个士兵连发几枪都脱了靶。教官怒气冲冲
    地夺过士兵的枪,声色俱厉地说:“笨蛋!你瞧我的。”他瞄准射击,
    可子弹飞到了靶外,他气势汹汹地转身向士兵吼道:“瞧!你就是这 样打枪的!”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    神 父 与 上 帝

    小彼得自豪地对他的朋友说:“我叔叔是神父,所有的人都称他
    尊敬的神父。”小保罗说:“我叔叔是主教,谁跟他说话都称他阁下。
    ”小拉克乌斯不服气了:“这有什么了不起的。我叔叔体重150公
    斤,所有的人见了他都喊道:噢!我的上帝!”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    日 月 难 辨

    有个名叫菲尔的旅行推销员,是个酒鬼。一天,他来到一个陌生
    的城市,在一家酒店喝了很多酒。刚走出酒店,他突然看见一个人站
    在路中间。这个人也刚从酒店出来,比菲尔喝得更多,他似乎在天上
    看到了什么奇怪的东西,用手往天上一指:“对不起,请问,那是太
    阳还是月亮?”菲尔看了看,然后摇摇头说:“不知道,我不是本地 人。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    历 史 学 家

    --你妻子是做什么的?
    --她是个家庭主妇,不过只要她一和我吵架,她就成了历史学 家。
    --你是说,她歇斯底里吗? --不,她揭我的老底,一件琐事都不会落下。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    打灯笼的蚊子

    两个刚抵达纽约的苏格兰移民在旅馆过夜,他们整个晚上被蚊子
    搅得十分恼火,最后一个说:“仙蒂,用被子蒙住头,蚊子就咬不到
    我们了。”过了一会儿,仙蒂伸出头来呼吸新鲜空气,这时他看见了
    以前从未见过的萤火虫,于是他叫道:“上帝啊,蒙住头也没有用,
    蚊子打着灯笼找我们呢。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    最 佳 方 案

    英国政府为在英吉利海峡下挖一条隧道招标,预算达数百万英镑。
    可是有一家商行只要一万英镑。建筑委员会主席问:“考虑到设备和
    劳力成本,这么少的收入你打算怎么进行这项工程呢?”承包商答道:
    “这很简单。我的合作人拿一把铁锹,去法国那边动手挖掘,我拿另
    一把铁锹从英国这边动手挖掘,一直挖到我们俩汇合
    一起──你就会得到一条隧道了!” “但如果你们不能汇合泥?”
    “那你就得到两条!”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    涨 价

    一个人被传到法院,因为他骂邻居是猪,被罚款200元,“法
    官先生,上次我同样骂人家是猪,却只罚了150元呀。”“很遗憾,
    我无能为力,因为最近猪肉涨价了。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    难 以 从 命

    爱发牢骚的老头布朗先生老是抱怨他的发式,愤愤地指责他的理
    发师。一次刚理完发,他说:“我要我的头发从中间分开。”“我不
    能这么做,先生。”理发师说。“为什么?”布郎先生咆哮道。“因
    为您的头发是奇数的,先生。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    “高 见”

    一位商人和他的朋友应邀到一位教授家吃晚饭。席间,一位客人
    问他是否喜欢莎士比亚。他回答:“喜欢,但我更喜欢威士忌。”众
    人哑然。回家的路上,他的朋友说:“你真蠢,干吗提威士忌?谁都
    知道,莎士比亚不是酒。而是一种奶酪。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    报 时 钢 琴

    汉斯对朋友们夸口说:“我的钢琴真了不起,每当疯狂演奏时,
    便会报出时间来。”朋友不信,便动手狂奏一番,忽然间墙壁被敲得
    嘣、嘣山响,一老妇人大叫道:“别吵了,现在已经十二点了。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    侦 察

    在莫斯科一辆拥挤的公共汽车上,站着的一个男子拍了拍另一个
    男子的肩膀,然后低声说:“你是克格勃成员吗?”“不是。”
    “你的家庭里有什么人是克格勃成员吗?”“没有”
    “你的邻居呢?”“他们一个也不是。”
    “你的熟人或朋友呢?”“我认识的人中没有哪个是克格勃成员。”
    “那么,请你别踩我的脚,好吗?”第一个人说。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    反 驳

    克劳斯喝得醉醺醺的踉跄着从酒店里出来。“天哪”,站在门口
    的朋友索尔茨喊道,“你头上的帽子戴反了!”“怎么戴反了?”克
    劳斯反驳道,“你根本不知道我想朝哪个方向走!”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    漫长的付款期

    一个人走进信用社为一张婴儿床交最后一笔分期支付的款项。
    “谢谢,”经理说,“现在这孩子怎么样了?”“哎,”这个人回答
    说,“我很好。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    打 嗝

    巡逻警察发现有辆汽车每跑10米左右就要上下颠簸一下。于是,
    他发动摩托车追上去截住了那辆车:“您的车怎么啦?”司机满脸惶
    恐:“没,没什么,警察先生,我,我老打嗝。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    物 尽 其 用

    在一家工厂,我那位朋友正在有条不紊地指挥生产,稀疏的头发
    想方设法地覆盖在脑袋上。“你已经使之成为一门科学了,”我赞叹
    道,“每一根头发都做了安排。”“是啊,”朋友苦笑着说,“过去
    它们只有一个总数,可现在它们各有自己的名字了。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    醉 汉

    醉汉走下街来, 两只耳朵烫得起了泡, 朋友问他出了什么事。
    “我太太离开房间时把热熨斗放在电话旁, ”醉汉说,“ 电话一响
    我把熨斗当电话压在了耳朵上。”“那么,另外那只耳朵又是怎么一
    回事?”“还不是因为那混蛋后来又打电话来!”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    绝 妙 分 法

    汤姆和一个寡妇结了婚,她有6个孩子,汤姆自己有5个孩子,
    他们结婚后,又有了3个孩子。一天,妻子匆忙跑进来对他说:“快
    到院子里去,快!太可怕了。”“怎么了?”“唉!你的孩子和我的
    孩子正在打我们的孩子。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    夸 耀

    两个吊裤带商人在夸耀自己的货。一个声称:“5匹马朝一个方
    向拉我的吊裤带,5匹马朝另一个方向拉,就那样都没能把我的吊裤
    带拉断。”另一个嗤之以鼻:“那又有什么了不起的!昨天,我去赶
    从纽约某站发出的火车,我的吊裤带让月台上的柱子钩住了。我上了
    火车,可当列车员在费城打开车门时,那鬼裤带一下就把我拽回了纽 约。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    稚 童 稚 语

    七岁的女儿对肚脐很好奇,问妈妈肚脐是作什么用的,妈妈于是
    把脐带连着胎儿与母体的道理深入浅出的讲了一下,说婴儿离开母亲
    之后,医生就把脐带剪断并打一个结,成了肚脐。女儿懂,可是又有
    些遗憾地问道:“医生为什么不打蝴蝶结?”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    搭 车

    一个海军军官在公共汽车上,站在司机旁边、不坐下来,以免弄
    折熨得笔挺的制服。一个有酒意的人上了车,走到军官身边,拉拉他
    的衣袖,说要买张车票。军官没理会他。但醉汉锲而不舍,于是军官
    转身说:“朋友,我不是售票员,我是海军军官。”
    “那么”,醉汉答道,“把船停下来,我要搭公共汽车。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    少 见 的 情 书

    安妮收到未婚夫的来信,只见信上写着:“亲爱的,我想念你!
    想念你那金丝卷发,浅蓝色的眼睛、高高的颧骨,还有你左手上的伤
    疤以及1.65的身高。”
    安妮的女朋友见了这信,说:“这封情书确实少见,你的未婚夫
    是干什么的?”“他在警察局里专门写寻人启事。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    望 眼 诊 病

    医生对病人说:“你的病似乎非常严重。只看你一只眼睛我就知
    道:你患肺炎,经常发烧,关节有风湿。”
    病人:“请你看另外一只眼睛吧,你刚才看的那只是我的假眼。”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

      一位顾客打电话来询问有关从美国托运鸟到加拿大的规定。我就给他介绍了有
    关事项及费用。最后他说:“如果鸟自己飞过了边境,那又该怎么办呢?”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    两个小女孩况相吹嘘自己的父亲有多伟大.
    "我父亲昨天和莎士比亚吃中饭."莎莉说.
    "但是,莎士比亚已经死了."克蕾说.
    "喔,"莎莉恍然大司回答,"难怪爸爸说他很 安静."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    有个从未管过自己孩子的统计学家,在一个星期
    六下午妻子要外出买东西时,勉强答应照看一下四个
    年幼好动的孩子.当妻子回家时,他交给妻子一个字条, 上边写道:
    "擦眼泪11次,系鞋带15次,给每个孩子吹更具气
    球5次,每个汽球平均寿命10秒,警告孩子不要横穿马
    路26次,孩子坚持要穿过马路26次,我还想再过这样的 星期六0次."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    汽车的主人:"这位金发女郎是怎么坐到了我的高 级轿车后座上的?"
    司机:"我马上向您解释清楚,先生."
    主人:"不用解释了,你最好还是抓紧时间把她介 绍给我."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    法官严肃地问道被告!你为什么向凯恩斯先生掷两 只酒杯?"
    "因为第一只酒杯扔得不好,基本没有打中他,法官
    先生."被告恭恭敬敬地解释道.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    法官盘问窃车贼说:"在上个月,你盗窃了十二辆
    汽车,效率真不错呀,是吗?"
    "是的,法官先生.所以说,你们现在逮捕我可真是
    一大错误.如果你们再给我几个星期的时间,我敢保证,
    咱们这个城市的车辆堵塞问题就可以得到彻底的解决 了."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    皮尔.杰克斯在城里的一哝大公司工作,常常在工作 时间去理发.
    这天,皮尔又在办公时间去理发了.谁知,公司经理不
    久也进了理发店.皮尔低下头,想不让经理了现,但经理正
    好坐在他旁边,很快看见了他.
    "喂,杰克斯,"经理说,"我看见了,他在办公时间来理 了."
    "是的,先生,"皮尔平静地说,"但你瞧,我馔贩⒁彩?办公时间长起来的."
    "但你的头发并不全是在办公时间里长起来的!"
    "是的,先生,你说得对,"皮尔彬彬有礼地说,"所以我
    现在并没有把全部头发剪掉."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一个芝加哥商人去了东南部,他从迈阿密打电话 给他的老板. "我被
    困在这儿了,"他说:
    "我被困在飓风中心,飞机停飞,汽车停开,高速
    公路被淹了,我该怎么办?" "从今天早上起开始你两星期的休假."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    麻醉

    病人进牙医诊所开始猛掏腰包. 牙医:"你不用先付钱."
    病人:"我不是要先付钱,而是想在你给我麻醉前,
    算清我钱包里有多少钱."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    吃午饭时,有个客人端着盘子到柜台前抱怨说: "牛排太硬了,没法吃."
    "如果您愿意,可以换成一个排骨."侍应生说.
    "谢谢,可是牛排我已经吃了一点儿."
    "没关系,那盘排骨也是已经吃了一点的."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    法官转向被告问道: "您的妻子肯定地说,您对待她很残酷,她没法跟您
    生活下去.您有什么要替自己辩解的吗?" "大人,
    过是借口.她把一只山羊带进我们的卧室,并且
    硬要让这只山羊住在儿.可以想象,卧室里的气味多么
    大.这,我无法忍爱." "难道您就不能开开窗子吗"?法官问.
    "那怎么行?这样,我的所有鸽子都会从卧室飞跑的 呀?"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一个疲惫不堪的高个子男人走进一家几次发生过
    火灾旅馆,要了一间比较便宜的房间.老板在最顶层给
    他找了这么一个房间.管理员发现在他物件当中有一盘
    绳子,问他干什么用的.
    "我带着它是为了预防火灾旅馆"访客回答说,"万一
    失火,我把它扔出窗外,就得救了."
    "想得不赖,"管理员说,"不过,象您这样的房客,我们 得预先收费."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    病人:"我真不好意思告诉您:我老婆认为您收我手 术费太高了."
    外科医生:"不过,我亲爱的,我相信,您对自己生命的
    估价不会象您夫人那样低."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    火车突然发出一阵咕嗄声,随后猛然停了下业.全
    体乘客都从自己的座位上跳起来.
    "发生了什么事,列车员?"一个女人暴躁地喊道.
    "没什么了不起的,只不过是一头可恶的母牛撞 上了我们"
    "它是在路上吗?" "噢,差不了多少,"列车员回答说,"我们是在路
    边的牛棚里被它碰上的."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    两个侍应生站在桌子旁,桌上醋睡着一位刚刚吃过
    饭的顾客.他们彼此交谈道:
    "我们也许可以把他放到街上?你看怎么样?"第一 个问. "那怎
    么行呀!"第二个回答说,"你知道,我今天多走
    运.我每次叫醒他,他都会付帐,接着再睡." .

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    火车徐徐进站了,乔治先生准备下车买块蛋糕,可外面正下
    着大雨,他突然看见月台上站着一个小男孩,便招一招手喊道:
    "喂,小孩,我给你10个美分,请你买两块蛋糕,一块归你,一块 归我." .
    一会,小男孩兴冲冲地转来,他一边吃着蛋糕一边喊道,
    :"先生,售货亭只有一块蛋糕了,所以我只买了一块,这5美
    分仍退还给你,咱们谁都不吃亏.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    两个酒鬼约翰与沃克在酒巴里喝光了所有的钱,约
    翰说:"到我们家去,我向我老婆讨点钱."
    二人到了约翰的家,发现约翰的老婆正在跟别的男
    人亲热.约翰见了无动于衷地说:"老婆,给点钱我喝酒吧!"
    "钱包在桌子上,你赶快把灯关了吧!"
    约翰取到钱,得意洋洋地对沃克说:"这够我们再喝半 宿了吧?"
    "和你老婆睡觉那个人男人呢?你准备把他怎么办?" 沃克问.
    "管他呢!"约翰满不在乎地说,"让他花自已的钱去喝 酒好了!"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "这就是我参加第二次世界大战的整个故事."
    "是的,爸爸,真棒!不过,既然这样,那干吗当时还 需要别的士兵?"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一个教区里,有个老头吝啬到令人难以置信的程度,
    他从来没有往募捐箱里放过钱.虽然他每个礼拜都去教
    堂,但总是坐在最后一条椅上,以为这样人们就不会发现
    他从没有放过钱. 有一个礼拜天,牧师说:
    "今天收集到的钱,都将用来拯救堕落女人."
    这个老头第一次往募捐箱里放钱,为此大家都非常吃
    惊,以为是因为他坐在后边听不清楚或者听错了的缘故.
    有一天,老头碰见牧师,居然问道:
    "牧师,我们凑钱买的那些姑娘什么时候能送来?"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一个犹太人走进一家商店,请求店主旅舍点什么.
    他是个音乐家,却无力养活他的家人.
    店主突然想起,他最近看见过这个人,两 个星期以
    前他自我介绍说是个鞋匠.对此,犹太人回答说:"是的,
    在这样困难的时候,只靠一种职业谋生是不可能的."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    牧师给一个穷人家的最小的孩子施洗礼,这家有很
    多孩子,日子很不好过.牧师趁机劝孩子的父亲说:家里
    生活够困难的了,就别要那么多的孩子了.但他得到回答 却是:
    "我们穷人家里一添点什么,别人总说太多了." .

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    法官:"被告,你确认你一直在帮助自己的夫人干家务活吗?"
    被告:"是的,大人!" 法官:"能举个例子吗?"
    被告:"比方说吧,为减轻她退酒瓶的负担,我整天都蹲在酒馆里."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一个穷汉吃力地挪着双腿,走进面包铺.
    "来一个大面包."他把一枚硬币放在柜台上说,老板
    娘面包递给了他.他拿起面包低声地问: "太太,最近的医院在哪儿?"
    "医院?"老板娘惊奇地反问道.
    "是的,太太,我感到很不舒服,我担心怕得了猩红热."
    "什么?"老板娘喊道,"立刻从这里滚出去!" 他转身朝门口走支.
    "把你的脏钱也拿走."她追着说了一句.
    穷汉拿钱,歪着脑袋走出小铺.另一个流浪汉从拐角 朝他走来.
    "怎么样,毕尔,?"那人问道. "顺当极了,亨克."
    他回答说,"现在轮到你去肉铺照样业一遍,多少要
    点肉来.这样,咱们就能稍微填肚子了."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一个跳伞员跳出机舱后,却怎么也打不开降落
    伞,毫无希望地飞速下坠,在离地面六百米的空中,
    他遇上了一个被一阵爆炸气浪掀上天的妇人.跳伞
    员拼命向那妇人吼道:"你能打开降落伞吗?""不!"
    妇人回叫道,"你会修液化气炉吗?!"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "汉斯,你为什么辞去了军火厂的工作?"
    "他们算得太精确了.上次在装火药的时
    候,火药爆炸了,我被炸上半空后才掉下
    来.厂长却扣了我的资金,说我有6秒钟在 空中没干活."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    理解不同

    老板气势汹汹地问道:"马尔坦,你迟到了整整3个小时, 为什么?"
    "请原谅,先生,我遇到了倒霉事!"马尔坦说. "什么倒霉事?"
    "我从房间的窗台上摔倒地上了." "你住几楼?" "三楼."
    "什么?三楼?"老板咆哮起来,"这像话吗?难道从三楼掉
    下来需要这么长时间?"

    一名男子正站在新铺的水泥道旁.他才刚一转身,一
    群小孩匆匆跑过,到处留下很深的脚印.一名邻人听见他
    在恶狠狠地咒骂着孩子们,于是问他: "乔治,我以为你喜欢小孩."
    "我是喜欢他们,"他回答,"但是理论上,而不是在水泥 上."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    叠被

    教官:龟田,为什么你的棉被总叠得比山本差?
    龟田:报告长官,山本入伍前是做豆腐的,而我参军前是做花卷馒头的。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    看不见

    一个军人想找个借口离开军队。于是他找到军医,说:
    “真糟糕,我的视力越来越差了,有什么办法吗?”
    医生给他看了一会儿,说:“你能证明你的视力不好吗?”
    此人环顾一下四周,指着远处墙上的一颗钉子说:
    “医生,你能看见墙上的那个钉子吗?” “能看到。”医生回答。
    “可我看不见。”此人说。

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    没读过

    药剂师走进一个书店,随手从书架上拿起一本书,问书店的老板:
    “这本书有趣吗?”
    书店的老板认识这位药剂师,他回答道:“不知道,没读过。”
    “天啊!你怎么能卖你自己都没读过的书呢?”
    “难道你能把你药铺里的所有药都尝一遍吗?”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    辞不达意

    英军有一个团买了一头驴子作为吉祥物。不幸的是,没有几天驴子就死了。
    由于团长出差在外,于是副团长便打了个电报给团长:
    “驴子不幸逝世。再买一头,还是等你回来?”

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "妈,我发现杰克很爱我." "你是怎样知道的呢?"
    "每当他拥抱我时,我都听到他的心在怦怦地跳."
    "傻女.你要当心啊,当年你爹就是身藏一只怀表使我受骗的."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    妈妈:"这个女孩真可怜,她失去了爸爸,又失去
    了最好的朋友---狗.贝蒂,你愿不愿意帮助她 把你的狗 送给她?"
    贝蒂:"噢,妈妈,我们为啥不把爸爸送给她呢?"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    乔治到银行去找工作. 工作人员问道:"你什么时候生日?"
    乔治回答?"六月十二日." 工作人员又问道:"哪一年?"
    "哦!先生,每一年都是!"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    在一辆非常拥挤的车上,一个 小男孩不停地吸着鼻涕,吸得站在
    他对面的一个女人实在受一不了啦.
    她好心地问道:"你有手绢吗,孩子, http://www.csnthunder.com/ Thunder Martin home Jersey?" . "有又怎么样?'小男孩生气地
    冲她喊道,"我不借给你!"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    受宠若惊
    "请张开嘴."
    "大夫,谢谢."
    "干吗谢我呢?"
    "我丈夫老是叫我闭嘴." .

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    布莱克太太正在给一对双胞胎洗澡.洗完后,
    她听到两个小家伙在床上"格格"大笑. "你们笑什么?"嘏莱克太太问.
    "妈妈,"老二回答说:"你给哥哥洗了两回,
    可是还没有给我洗呢!"

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    " 妻子对醉醺醺的丈夫说:"看你这样子, 还不如到地狱 里去!" 醉汉:
    "地狱里有酒吗?" ... .

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    有一辆小轿车在马路上行驶着,可这小轿车很
    奇怪,它每隔30秒钟就跳动一下. .
    警察过来问道:"喂,你的车怎么回事?" .
    司机回答说:"车子没事,它的跳动是因为我30 秒钟打一次嗝." .

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    .. . 一天,汤姆正坐在去华盛顿的一列火车上,车厢内
    只有他一人,当列车在一车站靠站时,车门打开,上来一
    个大汉,用刀子抵住汤姆的颈部威吓道:"要钱还是要命?"
    汤姆吓得抖抖索索地回答:"我身上一文钱也没有."大汉
    恶狠狠地问:"那你为什么发抖?"汤姆哭丧着脸说:"我以为
    你是检票员."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    警察在一条小巷中夜巡,发现一个醉洒的男人,靠在电线杆旁边哭泣,
    觉得很奇怪.便上前问?"先生,出什么事吗?"
    醉汉边哭边说:"警察先生,你来得正好,请你快替我想个办法,因为我
    的小便直流个不停."
    警察于是走过去瞧个究竟,结果,发现电线杆旁边的自来水龙头没关好.

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    个加布罗沃财主对生活感到厌倦了,决定上吊自杀.
    正当他双脚悬空,眼看待死的时候,恰好他家的仆人走来,剪
    断绳索,把他救了下来.
    到了月底开工钱的时候,仆人接过钱一数,比他应得的
    数少了四列弗,便问老板是怎么一回事.
    老板说:"我扣了你一根绳子钱.我上吊用的那好好一根
    绳子让你给剪断了,我只能从你的工钱中扣下那根绳子钱了."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    莫莉说:"结婚前,你总是给我叫出租车,而现在你
    认为可以乘公共汽车了."
    丈夫说:"这是因为我为你而感到自豪的结果,亲爱
    的.在出租车里,只有司机一个人能看得见你;而在公共
    汽车里,有成百上千的人看得见你." ...

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一位先生刚从银行里取出钱,突然着急地问工作
    人员:"这儿有后门吗?""问后门干嘛?"工作人员
    奇怪地反问.那位先生说:"来不及啦,我太太从 正门来了."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    法官:"你一周内竟然抢劫了8次.这听起来真是有点 不可思议!"
    被告:"是的,我夜以继日地在干,大人.假如所有的人
    都这样劳动,我们的国家早就走上繁荣的道路了."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一位老绅士向公证人口授自己临终遗嘱,他的声音低得勉强可以听见:
    "凡是在我这里工作二十年以上的人,我答应给他一万美元."
    "这真了不起!多么慷慨啊!"公证人感叹道.
    "不,完全不是那么回事."垂危的老绅士嘟哝着,"要知道,没有一个人在我这儿能留
    够一年以上的.可是把这番话登到报纸上,多么冠冕堂皇啊."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    一位富有好奇心的妇女问:"你们的菜单里列有小鸡
    沙拉.全是鸡肉做的吗?" 侍应生:"那里面也有一点牛肉,夫人."
    富有好奇心的妇女追问:"有多少?"
    侍应生:"啊,夫人,我们的配方很诚实.一比一:一头 牛配一只小鸡."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    "这么说,你声明你之所以抢劫食品店是因为你快
    要饿死了."法官说,"那么你为什么拿吃的,却偷光了钱柜呢?"
    "因为,我是一位有自尊心的人,法官先生,"被告回
    答说,"我受的教育使我总是遵循一条规则:"我吃什么都要付钱."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    深夜,一个喝得醉醺醺的游客回到了旅馆.半晌.
    他不满地叫了起来"喂!?你们的电梯坏了吗?"
    "先生,电梯仍在正常运行,只不过您进的那是电话间."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    饭店的一位顾客向饭店老板招手并说: "我觉得汤太稀了,老板."
    "是的,这我知道,"老板回答,"我们是想让客人们好
    好欣赏一下盘子上的精美图案."

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

    酒店的客人和气地对店老板嚷嚷说: "你往酒里掺水了!"
    "干嘛这么大吵大闹呢,伙计!我也没要你交水钱呀!" .

    ------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

 

 

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  2. Mulberry Vesker 2013.01.06 00:28 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

    The 1st chapter is to the brink of the Yangtze River die eating globefish second part namely to Tianmu Lake inn banquet I didn equitable worship apt eat meat ...Delicious fish without bones I also worship ruthless ah .
    ..The 1st fish to eat enough ...Applause !From Shanghai driving out accessory than 2 hours passed across the Yangtze River,apt Jiangyin to the small hostel!Don way,GPS even tin never find the area!But very notable!The park was full of cars !It is specially came apt eat the Yangtze River .
    Because it namely near apt the Yangtze River port ,so the river is approximately all living plus kicking apt the pantry!Is said apt have the environment is broken is broken ,come down a few years ,developed along employer!The house namely big the environment also promoted !We had two cars from Shanghai, results surrounded again automobile water tank is broken ,we await,await,finally give the person see forward to!Originally the turned out apt have lunch feast!At noon we hardship apt do the kitchen bowl noodles !Really agreeable!Very small period taste namely the use of lard !It was so agreeable!  et alare here, we begin moving !The plenary meal without meat only 1 fish !!!This is a flat fish ?Love the teriyaki sauce ,sweet ,thick ,put a lot of garlic hanging !Abnormal fresh fish ~ is actually depend aboard water design!This nameless fish ,sting too much,not my dish but the sting is quite soft tin be directly swallow !Fresh !I favor to eat fish without bones !One of the highlights of the meal!Braised River eel !!!OH MY LADY GAGA ,you are so fat ah !A go soft to the utmost!Head completely eliminated neat!Only fresh fat plus puny fish !Too hypertrophy !A block down almost stuffed !Put among the jaws apt actually feel what namely called the portal that namely.
    ..Especially worship the braised put a lot of garlic sauce ...Instinctive reaction is apt a bowl of rice apt eat bibimbap !Absolute hardcore !Whine apt fly oh !!The Eel River ,the additional is always alongside.
    ..The Yangtze River Shrimp alternatively good-looking always full ,there are much seeds !Delicate delicious!Fortunately this shrimp namely the brain aboard a desk!  thecrayfish processing is quite neat!Taste namely quite strong !And outdoor that thirteen incense is not the same for,merely very palatable!Fried eggplant very comely!Although I do not eat eggplant ~ ~ ~ but the eggplant namely very sweet like dessert !Sweep optical eel rice !!!Have a watch.
    Skin namely never left! Are all up light !Then the sauce with rice ...Whine to tears ...We carefully observed ,protein rich?Sauces are solidified ...The Yangtze River Turtle is special Oh ,because the brain is big!Skirt thick !!!Is two times thicker than ordinary turtle !Don mammoth yet the meat namely puny never lumber wooden !But,among contrast ,I personally worship ~ ~ ~ the Yangtse River eel fish soup !I equitable eaten stewed catfish ,feeling plus eel very similar.
    This namely the 1st period apt drink the soup !Look,chest white!Absolute is boiled ,without any chest,bosom abrasive plus the like!Visible protein content was lofty surrounded the sky !!!Fresh slap aboard oh !!!Catfish fish always of the extracts were infiltrated into the soup ,so .
    ..I have not got fish apt eat ...Ha-ha. Now think nearly it because it namely likewise much ...A little fall in love with this plus lose that ...It is extort day dancing ~ ~ ~ fish ah you ambition forgive me !The two bright spots !The direction of the journey :puffer !The three puffer namely scheduled well among advance never a predetermined perfect never to eat , http://www.kjopevesker.com/mulberry-vesker-c-17.html Mulberry Vesker!And the cost is amazing ah !Words by the beginning of this anniversary I dig that Japan notable globefish cafeteria door block a second card wipe the picture went !Because of a want of duration apt not eat ah !Now I tin eat into the Yangtze River dolphin .
    I feel very excited !Now a lot of brutal dolphins tin never eat,amount is fewer plus fewer,maximum puffers are disloyal reproduction ,toxicity namely weakened greatly, basically impossible apt eat poisoning .
    But there are still many folk who have each annual because of puffer fish processing is not trim plus poisoned ...It is said that some folk eat Fugu back among expressway S among the car.
    Listen apt my hair up !We eat Fugu is a special dish ,Hanno Iku ,toxicity alternatively some .The chef among the dish ahead have whether he is safe,can serve .Although I am very quaint merely I still tin eat !Until the entire desk eat nothing, I vacation assured eat a !Puffer meat quite chewy !If we eat fish face meat fish body the Q chip of meat afterwards the plenary body of the meat because the puffer fish face so Q~~ really fresh !No bones !My big worship!Feel like eating meat plus!Globefish skin are spiny yet removed neat but there namely mini leftovers,can never be placed amid the jaws,will feel taste namely very harsh,apt direct it ,it can defend the gastric mucosa !Teriyaki sauce .
    ..Very agreeable!And for satay eel !!!Once afresh let us rice sweep light !!!After 20 minutes ,I pinch pinch myself, well, still living!All right ,I namely the lip slightly numb ...They say,Congratulations, you reach the highest kingdom of eating puffer !This namely the legendary fresh daylily .
    ..Is a category of field stores among.Fresh daytime lily !That tin never eat is toxic!Very refreshing taste !Nice. Perfect the puffer FB tour finished,a mini be unwilling to chapter then time

  3. Mulberry Vesker 2013.01.06 00:28 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

    Property of public officialsto government-owned civilian advantageous Li Jin November 9th namely the delegation of Shanghai open day.In answer to a reporter ,eighteen representative ,Shanghai municipal Party committee secretary Yu Zhengsheng said apt the advanced introduction of attribute publication system .
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    Coincidentally ,the same day,Guangdong provincial Party council secretary Wang Yang within response to the relevant legal attribute declaration said of Guangdong ,also among the pilot the official attribute declaration system ,we ambition continue to explore .
    ( Yu Zhengsheng November 13, 2012 problem open face property Ningbo daily Party of eighteen attribute of public officials have to be the converge of media attention ,and the face of public concern ,Yu Zhengsheng and Yang is never evasive but choose apt face .
    From two senior position can be seen attribute of public officials for the voice of the folk increasing, http://www.kjopevesker.com/mulberry-vesker-c-17.html Mulberry Vesker, gradually forward thinly covered the bashful state ,begin to migrate toward the front .
    This namely undoubtedly a great progress among our china .Given the attribute of public officials for implementation, there is considerable resistance ,so I decided to jot this heading hoping to multiplication our consensus apt liquefy this kind of resistance tell agreeable policy to bear a good fruit .
    Property of public officials namely a problem that does not circle the past Hom China Economic Net Beijing on September 20th news according apt folk official micro-blog message ,the administration of China Three Gorges University sophomore Liu Yanfeng aboard September 1st to the Shaanxi Department of Finance and Administration Bureau mail application apt open Shaanxi province installs inspect office adviser Yang Dacai 2011 Annual wage .
    The afternoon of the 20 daytime he received a provincial finance department EMS reply said: Yang Dacai income matters ,does not belong apt the Shaanxi province of hall of finance of the scope of government information openness .
    ( Shaanxi Finance Department refused to publicly cousin Yang Dacai wage surrounded 2012 09 Sept. 20 source: China Economic Net ) laugh cousin Yang Dacai ,with a laugh and watch and eventually fall merely unfortunately surrounded the folk asked apt open their wages but along Hall of Shaanxi province finance is rejected, it namely very ludicrous the one thing .
    Using public tax money to employ servants ,their wages namely the financial scope of disclosure ,the master can even servant salary shall have the right to know ?Official how can never be hidden?It namely never ludicrous,what want?The attribute of public officials ,who namely still among wait-and-see stage ,it was also the fortune,hope the propulsion speed slowly and slowly .
    But whether you slow alternatively fast, you have not entirely throw its coming,property of public officials is our reform to open one ,sooner alternatively afterward have to along among the past, sooner alternatively after ambition fulfil.
    This,much people are aware,our mainstream media also stated .Such for Global Times issued a attribute of public officials namely Chinese reform to represent the prevalent trend sound ( pragmatic ,staged apt enhance attribute of public officials November 13, 2012 Global Times ) folk also published the advanced official attribute declaration of public necessary story,December 31, 2011 ( source: People Daily overseas edition this shows surrounded China ) ,there are still much folk wake up among.
    Property of public officials since we do never circuit the past one ,so late for early across across,because this threshold is associated with an increased breadth,with the passage of duration,this bridge want be more and more broad,whether late at some point ,you longing never cross over the danger of falling into the abyss .
    Until afterward,you have not period apt repent it .Property of public officials is the touchstone of real anti-corruption folk adore a deep-seated hatred because corruption ,and we have also advert anew anew shouting and anti-corruption but before anti-corruption ,mostly small chat,anti-corruption moves are finite,mostly confined apt self-discipline anti-corruption show .
    If any SMS anti-corruption , Poker anti-corruption , transcription anti-corruption ,etc. .Random quest,this anti-corruption there are many :①gameagainst corruption .Serious construction of a clean and honest administration and exceedingly entertaining game -- the two did never arise apt correlate with the thing is a combination of network game .
    In late July, the Ningbo metropolis Haishu District Commission for Discipline Inspection ,Haishu District Simon Street Party is versed surrounded appoint ,officially launched the public free net swims incorruptible warrior .
    According to introduction ,this is the first nation to the honest cultural construction for the theme of the network game .Depicts a growth among the rampage incorruptible warrior amongst the match wits with the corrupt ,resist temptations of evil win promotion and obtain rich aid agreeable,experience is accumulated ceaselessly, ultimately realize political Qingming folk live and work amid truce wonderland .
    ( July 31, 2007 Oriental Morning Post ) the school anti-corruption 1 clean-fingered education have been sent to entire basic and secondary schools surrounded Ji .According apt the Ji Bureau of education of honesty education of pilot work from the beginning with the fall 2010 semester ,honest education into the classroom within 29 basic and medium schools was carried out among a annual is pilot, begin from this semester ,honest education into the classroom among basic school the fifth grade ,junior lofty educate,the second grade and the first grade senior lofty educate of old technical secondary school is pushed among the circular every year on the foot of the 18 class.
    ( September two 2011, Qilu network ) the Huchi Suke anti-corruption .Chongqing Fengjie County, 300 officials within the upcoming Mid-Autumn Festival ushered among a special party -- take a one-day uncorrupted training ,with affection of strength apt help her husband against corruption erosion .
    Fengjie County Commission for Discipline Inspection express volumes ambition be training set surrounded the Mid-Autumn Festival this day.( August 31, 2005 Beijing a m news ) the autonomy exercises anti-corruption .
    In the face of 100000 yuan among bribes ,you may hesitate apt nay,the 1000000 or even 10000000 yuan ?Face prison torture ,your new physical condition can resist ? a few days antecedent Guangdong Longmen county much 1100 cadre of leaders of entire levels to train clean-fingered self-discipline exercises ,with a question and answer access to answer the soul torture apt do a oneself preservative ready.
    ( clean-fingered self-discipline exercises can do ? In 2010 07 Sept. 22 information times ) ... ... ... ... Enough is enough ,enough examples ,this anti-corruption we actually aren also much?This anti-corruption how could it be more anti-corruption more corruption ?In this anti-corruption show whatsoever we can approach the door apt increase oneself say anti-corruption has obtained significant achievements, public satisfaction .
    As of eighteen held along I perceive such a news :according apt a November 5th report of Xinhua news agency, the National Bureau of Statistics examine,the folk on the anti-corruption go satisfaction and satisfactory percentage ,51.
    9% among 2003 ,reaching 72.7% amid 2011 ;people think the phenomenon of corruption surrounded alter degree containment ratio ,2003 68.1% ,2010 to 83.8% ,showed a rising trend annual forward anniversary.Such a mushroom oneself diagram,how apt convince Americans ? People call for the establishment of property of public officials system ,reason ,it makes folk apt lawful attribute and power supervision becomes feasible for mass surveillance system provides basic .
    people everyday newspaper story :progressive officials property declaration publicly important December 31, 2011 folk even now officials have much property do never know, you told folk to administer what ?How can folk supervision ?Great oaks from micro acorns grow.
    attribute of public officials is anti-corruption ,effective supervision aboard officials buffet the ground .The foundation does never exist ,anti-corruption aboard the official supervision namely equitable castles surrounded the atmosphere,and meaningless .
    In this sense property of public officials or never,is entirely true and artificial anti-corruption touchstone .As long as the legal attribute does never open ,it must be artificial anti-corruption have to be anti-corruption show ;as long as the attribute of public officials ,it have to be true anti-corruption must be moved real anti-corruption .
    Property of public officials apt the officials and the folk benefit some folk aboard the attribute of public officials have indignation,that namely they do never recognize the benefits of the attribute of public officials .
    Property of public officials never only because ordinary people people can behalf the supervision of officials ,can watch their impose money ) is more favorable because officials .Property of public officials ,the common folk behalf known ,so I do not speak.
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    But such agreeable fortune a few do corrupt corrupt officials longing have ?Before onward long ,thin horse,not what ?Property of public officials ,actually the largest accomplish,is accustom apt defend the safety of the officials .
    On the attribute of public officials among the nation officials can have truce of mind apt go do never have to worry virtually the hereafter of anxious .On the property of public officials in the case, you have not opportunity to do is corrupt ,you do never engage within corruption ,and where namely the hazard?Officials absence to feel at ease apt night doze,the only way out is to immediately appliance the attribute of public officials fulfil as soon for feasible.
    Come out to mix is also no free lunch surrounded the world .No attribute of public officials ,you also come dead surrounded one ?Even die within one ,you forget our history and kill coffin corpse ?Property of public officials to government-owned civilian advantageous ah ,so Manley and without harm comely why never to do to go forward ?Look within again !The reform of political system from the attribute of public officials began the reform of the political system is amid order apt.
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  10. Jordans 2013 2013.01.07 19:40 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

    December 31st

    , Tibet Cultural Development Foundation staff forest edges extending rural preschool children, down jacket.On the same day, new year's day, Spring Festival, the Tibetan New Year three day draws near, Tibet cultural development foundation of the staff came to Lhasa County Deputy make Forest Township, to the local kindergarten children in 190, the price of about 70000 yuan down jacket, http://www.canonblogs.com/505 Jordan Shoes 2013 キスの原則のウィキペディア、フリー百科事典.Xinhua News Agency (by Liu Kun

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  13. jieyang flowers 2013.01.30 15:40 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

    Dog lovers. They have a dog for reasons other than guarding the house or going hunting. They may let the dog sleep with them. They spend hours with the dog every day. They speak in loving tones to and about their companion. Dog lovers enjoy getting birthday cards that focus on that love. Funny birthday cards for dog lovers are also appreciated. Just imagine what might be contained in the following 7, and you will see what I mean:



    1. Funny English Bulldog birthday cards


    2. Amusing Jack Russell terrier birthday cards


    3. Hilarious Black Labrador birthday cards


    4. Droll Dachshund birthday cards


    5. Witty French Poodle birthday cards


    6. Comical Golden Retriever birthday cards


    7. Humorous Saint Bernard birthday cards



    Funny English Bulldog birthday cards seem especially appropriate to me. They would be easy to create, with great potential for humor. A photo or sketch of an English Bulldog, fangs protruding beside a long tongue, might include a caption regarding someone being a bit "long in the tooth" these days.



    A funny English Bulldog birthday card we found online is a "driver's license" for the recipient's English Bulldog. You can have a "DMV pet license" custom made for the English Bulldog lover. Like an official DMV driver's license of the chosen state, your friend's "DMV pet license" will be a laminated, wallet-sized card. He or she will also receive a matching collar or keychain version.


    To order this funny English Bulldog birthday card, http://www.yaoflowers.com/online-florist/Nantong-flowers-delivery.asp Nantong flowers, you provide a photo and information about the pet. Best of all, you select any "restrictions" you want to have noted. Choices for dogs include things such as no chasing cars and no chasing cats. You can create your DMV pet license at the My Pet DMV website.



    DMV pet licenses are not only funny English Bulldog birthday cards, of course. They can be funny birthday cards for any pet lover.



    Very funny English Bulldog birthday cards, as well as English Bulldog gifts, are available at The Inky Paw website.



    Vivyland also has a collection of funny English Bulldog birthday cards. I was amused by the bulldogs in angel wings! Women will love the female bulldog featured on another, with rollers on her head and cucumber slices on her eyes!



    All right. So, there are funny English Bulldog birthday cards. What about other dogs and the dog lovers having birthdays? Are there equally amusing greetings for them?



    Yes, of course. First off, any pet owner with a dog, cat, ferret, parrot, rabbit, or other pet would love the DMV pet licenses mentioned above. They make a cute card, and an ongoing identification for the pet.



    Funny birthday cards for almost any breed of dog are available at the Inky Paw website. They have all of the dogs named above and more. For Dachshund lovers, Inky Paw offers a birthday card featuring a wiener dog stepping onto a bathroom scale and commenting on the wonder that kibble is a carb!



    If you are looking for e-cards to wish your dog lover a happy birthday, you will want to visit the Dog Breedz website. They have dog birthday cards for many breeds, http://www.yaoflowers.com/online-florist/lufeng-flowers-delivery.asp lufeng florist, and you can create your own verses – hilarious, cheeky, or romantic. They provide information about each breed, allow you to choose a photo and a skin, and then ask for your message. You don't have to be overly creative to come up with a clever birthday card here.



    E-greetings often allow you to use your own photo of that African Basenji, Chinese Shar-Pei, French Poodle, or Irish Setter.



    Perhaps the most memorable funny birthday card you could send to a pet lover would be one that you yourself make. Homemade birthday cards show thoughtfulness and effort that can never be captured by a purchased card or free e-cards. Take a few funny photos of the pet – or find funny photos of the same breed. Study the photos for funny human qualities they suggest. Write a few funny words as a caption. Inside your birthday card, you can write funny verses, or simply wish a happy birthday.


    Helpful Tip: Belated birthday cards are better than nothing, but try to be timely. A birthday card that arrives on time or early says "I cared enough" much more than a belated card – unless you have an excellent reason for being late.



    Disclaimer: The author presents this information for educational purposes only. She is not an employee of any of the merchants mentioned, nor will she receive any compensation if their products are purchased by the reader.

  14. Bears Peppers Elite Nike Jersey 2013.02.01 19:40 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

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    日期:2005-9-10 来源:互联网 编辑:风冷长河



    527 听说七夕这天恋人相互说句我爱你,就能在来年七夕不会分开,如果每年都说就永远不会分开。我爱你! 0
    526 牛郎织女七夕相忆,山水相隔我俩千里;爱人身边无我相伴,万望为我惜爱身体! 0
    525 或许你已忘记了我,但我会等你的,直到感动上天,感动你为止! 0
    524 今夜,让我枕着你的名字和你的长发入眠,愿你我在梦中想见,晚安想你! 0
    523 今天我在鹊桥的这边等您,另一边的你在想我吗?我俩不如就鹊桥中定终生。 0
    522 独自莫凭栏,千里江山,别时容易见时难。流水落花春去也,天上人间。你还想我吗?? 0
    521 今夜我们相处两地,玉簪银河隔不断卿卿之情,两地之遥阻不了郎情妾意,我俩亦有心灵相约的鹊桥! 0
    520 老天给我最大的恩赐就是让我拥有了你,拥有了你的爱!在这七夕之夜,我祝福我们永远在一起,永不分离!!! 0
    519 写张给牛郎给织女的贺卡,让它飞翔在天际!写出你心中我心中的话语,永恒美丽的相遇! 0
    518 七夕之夜,面对皎洁的明月,让我郑重许下我的心愿:我要爱你,直到永远! 0
    517 让日光去温暖你,让月光去滋润你,虽无法相见,那璀璨的银河都已撒满我对你爱的誓言。 0
    516 当星河都在变迁,你我却仍天各一边。但请相信,纵使万水千山,日日夜夜对你的思念从未曾改变。 0
    515 走上鹊桥的牛郎如今不愿再对织女说“我爱你”了,因为单调的重复再也诠释不了他心中那份狂热的爱! 0
    514 天上鹊桥见,人间今宵圆。月上林梢头,人约黄昏后。七夕鹊桥见,情谊两绵绵。无语相见事,尽在不言中。 0
    513 七夕其实并不美丽,美丽的是和你共度七夕的那种感觉……我爱你!节日快乐! 0
    512 天鹅湖边鸟飞绝,良无一点双人行。双木非林心相连,您若无心先自飞。(我很想你) 0
    511 喜欢看着你如春花般灿烂的笑容,喜欢看着你恬雅娴静的身影。节日过得好吗?可有想起我! 0
    510 放上一颗心在你的枕边,让你每夜都在我的心边,甜蜜的入眠。世界上不再有七夕,只有我们永不分开 0
    509 天生腼腆的牛郎痴情得可怜,但是那种善良与执着造就的爱情,本身就是值得情人们永恒歌颂! 0
    508 网络让我们相识,网络让我们相恋。希望在这七夕之夜,我们能够亲密相见! 0
    507 我们的第一个七夕情人之夜,你却不在我的身边,宝贝,让我们搭着今晚的鹊桥相拥在灿烂的星空下吧。 0
    506 明天不能陪你过七夕,因你我不是织女牛郎;望谅解工作关系,等我回去天天过七夕!:) 0
    505 我没有更多的言语!只有一句话要告诉你:和你在一起,你是一切!没有你在身边,一切是你!爱人,你好吗? 0
    504 独自莫凭栏,千里江山,别时容易见时难。流水落花春去也,天上人间。 你在乎我吗?? 0
    503 天上七夕鹊桥见,新月如钩境缠绵。人间今宵喜团圆,良宵美景莫蹉延。 0
    502 丝丝清风缠着你心情万缕,绵绵的夏雨拌着我思念如潮!寄语白云朵朵,与你共赏七夕。 0
    501 不羡慕一年一相逢的金凤玉露,不愿做生离死别的连理枝。只想与你朝朝暮暮,年年岁岁! 0
    500 生活的平淡,有七夕的点缀;平凡的日子,有佳人的思念。情义相随,不枉一生。 0
    499 祝情人节快乐!你在我心中永远是最具有气质,最特别和最具吸引力的!不管将来怎样,你依然是我最爱的人! 0
    498 也许你我之间的距离很长很长,但我相信我们之间会有一座桥,我会等待你的回归,一生一世! 0
    497 说不尽相思苦,道不完爱你浓,七夕明月能传情,只望鹊桥可相会,爱你,到永远! 0
    496 夜,七夕,鹊桥会,新月如钩,几许相思愁,望秋水此刻求,千言万语欲罢还休, http://www.denverbroncoseshop.com/ Manning Elite Jersey。。。。。。 0
    495 抬我抬头望天时,看到满天的星斗,虽然繁多,我却只能在伤感中遥望! 0
    494 银河之上,一世的等待,几世的缘分,都化作了滴滴晶莹的泪珠,洒下凡间,留给世人无限的祝福 0
    493 牛郎织女的爱情并不吸引着我,我们的爱情对我才有致命的吸引力。 0
    492 窗外的清风代替我轻抚着你,耳边的蝉鸣代表我想念着你! 0
    491 人生峥嵘几度秋,岁月悠悠情悠悠。十年音容宛在今,思忆无尽何时休。 0
    490 当流星划过的时候,我会站在桥的一端,等待你的出现,就算只有一天,我也会心满意足了。 0
    489 七夕抬头望碧霄,喜鹊双双搭鹊桥。 两情若是久长时,又岂在朝朝暮暮。 0
    488 银燕穿梭腾空舞,伊人只影独归蜀,仰首远眺西归燕,望断君郎思卿肠。 0
    487 在漫漫的人生中,我找到了你,是你给了我生存的信心,是你让我的活不再平淡。我爱你!!!! 0
    486 难道你真的没有感觉到,你对我来说是多么的重要, 我的爱不需要再说什么天荒天地老。 0
    485 织云弄巧,飞星传恨,银汉昭昭暗渡。金凤玉露一相逢,便胜却人间无数。 0
    484 因为有了你,爱从这一刻开时;也因为有了你,心飘浮在碧空里…… 0
    483 思念是甜蜜的惆怅,它能把女性天生的嫉妒搓揉成忧伤,溶成一片浓浓的深情像月光皎洁,明亮。 0
    482 银河的光亮也比不过我们爱情的灿烂,流星划过的印迹也比不过我们爱情的痕迹。 0
    481 我将用我一生的柔情,开启你尘封的记忆。愿你心随所想,事成所望。 0
    480 想在七夕夜和你深情依偎在葡萄架下,凝望星空,点燃水中的心烛祈求永远依偎在你的身旁。 0
    479 由相知而相爱,由相爱而更加相知。人们常说的神仙眷侣就是你们了!祝相爱年年岁岁,相知岁岁年年! 0
    478 秦时明月汉时关,我心永驻你身旁。你情我意长相伴,携手新居着嫁妆。 0
    477 又是一年七夕到,还是一心对你好。不是一生长相守,就是一世单相恋! 0
    476 你的寂寞,我来赶走;我的爱情,你会拥有。让我们相爱,一直到永久! 0
    475 孤灯不明思欲绝,举帷望月空长叹。尤慕牛郎织女情,隔岸遥望众星照。 0
    474 当你已来到时,我的心仍在期待远方……!当你离开时,我才发现你正是我梦绕云牵的期待……! 0
    473 在这牛郎织女相会的日子,我要说我们好幸福的,是赛过神仙哥哥姐姐的,我爱你,我要伴你到天长地久! 0
    472 登高攀爬立窑顶,放眼远遥向东南,秋风难解思卿意,孤身只影愁煞人。 0
    471 柔情似水,佳期如梦,忍顾鹊桥归路。两情若是久长时,又岂在朝朝暮暮。 0
    470 没有情人的人怎么会喜欢情人节的到来呢?无奈它毕竟已经来了,只好祝福别人啦! 0
    469 青丝寸寸愁年长,七月七日鹊桥上,对月形单望相互,不羡牛郎鸳鸯。今天是中国人的情人节,愿有情人终成眷属 0
    468 永远抹不掉对你的思念,彼此的约定永记心间,遥远的你可曾记得?每年的七夕之夜,在彼此心里的鹊桥上见! 0
    467 天上繁星多又多,牛郎织女各一颗。每年七夕才相见,好比地上你与我! 0
    466 七夕的情人节,我等你来说爱我。不管等多久,我会坚持,我相信中国的情人节会给我带来你的爱! 0
    465 我告诉你,第一是我爱你,第二还是我爱你,第三仍是我爱你……我爱你……情人节快乐! 0
    464 2月14送我玫瑰的不是你,七月七送我祝福的也不是你,但我爱的只有你!情人节快乐! 0
    463 亲爱的,虽然我们相隔遥遥,但是我不怕,1000的路途我们用爱来联结! 0
    462 什么是爱,什么是情,什么是你,什么是我…………我爱你,你爱我,相爱的心零距离。情人节快乐,一起幸福吧! 0
    461 为了爱你曾入地,为了爱你也上天,只为这一次相见,双双等了一年! 0
    460 不想说我能在七夕这天会给你什么, 给你的就是我今天的二十四小时无尽的思念 0
    459 是你!是你!在我阴暗的心底开了个天窗,我获得爱情。七月七鹊桥相会,我俩的爱情恒久远! 0
    458 亲爱的!爱你是我责任!我会在这里等着你!七夕的月亮也会为我们明亮! 0
    457 今天是七夕,流水落花夏去也,斜风细雨乍秋寒,七月七,我想你,爱你!! 0
    456 今夕是何夕,古来有七夕。一对相思鸟,梦圆鹊桥会。 0
    455 七夕节日快乐!让我们在牛郎织女相见之日相亲相爱吧! 0
    454 七夕的日子,是我们重新开始的时候~我爱你永远没有期限!我只想说一句——你是我的奇迹! 0
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  19. yz69g8k0zu 2014.04.26 09:40 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

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  20. MichaelMig 2014.07.18 17:43 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply


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  21. RobertUsep 2014.07.20 02:14 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply


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  2. mauri alligator shoes 2013.01.07 23:23 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

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  3. qionglai flowers 2013.01.30 15:40 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

    There will come a time in your life that you might be given the chance or opportunity to help or comfort somebody who has lost a loved one or even a beloved pet, work through their grief and loss. Treat the person who is experiencing grief and loss as you would also want to be treated if you were in their situation.



    Some individuals react and cope to loss in some different ways: some might break down and cry, some may become too withdrawn or some may fall into a deep state of depression, all but unable to function their usual daily activities. So, as a friend, what can you do-- here are a few tips:


    1. If you are acquainted with friends or relatives of the bereaved who might be coming into town for the funeral, try offering to let them stay at your home in the meantime. It is quite difficult to convey what a heavy burden is lifted from the griever not to have guests in their homes to take care and worry about.



    You can also offer to run daily errands, volunteer to answer the phone, or go to the grocery store or the post office. 2. If the bereaved simply wants to talk and converse about their grief, listen. For most people, this can be a big help. This may be the one thing you could do to help which helps more than you would ever know or imagine.



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    If the bereaved wants to grieve privately, you could (quietly) clean and scrub the floors, do a little dusting, or run the dishwasher. The grieving individual will not be likely to be further upset to hear the common sounds in the household—actually, they might even be comforting, http://www.yaoflowers.com/online-florist/Jinzhong-flowers-delivery.asp Jinzhong florist, with the subtle message that means, “life goes on.”4.



    If the bereaved is all but not being able to function their daily tasks, try to encourage them to go and see their doctor. Joining a support group can be a great help also, and bear in mind that depression could be treated. 5. If you personally knew the departed person, you may even want to contribute to their chosen favorite charity in their name or in the name of the bereaved; you can also make a contribution to the cost of the headstone.



    An unforgettable way to commemorate the lost loved one is to create a tribute for them, written by a professional writer and published in a book. You can visit so they can arrange for this. Just try to be there for them—they might not be able to say to you for some time how much this really means to them, and your presence itself may be a great blessing.

  4. taichung flowers 2013.01.30 15:40 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

    You've been having a bad week cleaning wise and the place is a mess, or else you have busy children who seem to strew toys and other belongings around the house. And you've just had a phone call to say that your mother, mother-in-law or the boss is coming round within the next hour. You could panic and decide that the best thing to do is meet the visitor at the door and whizz them off to the nearest café so you don't have to tidy up. Or you could try the emergency pickup method:



    1, http://www.yaoflowers.com/online-florist/Xianning-flowers-delivery.asp Xianning florist. Throw a house cleaning product into the toilet bowl and leave it to sit for twenty minutes. Proprietary cleaning products can work, but fizzy asprins work wonders, http://www.yaoflowers.com/online-florist/Chaozhou-flowers-delivery.asp Chaozhou flowers.



    2. Dump any stray items (books, toys, discarded clothing, newspapers, etc) on the floors, benches or sofa into a basket and pop this into a corner or somewhere out of sight like a bedroom. Only concentrate on rooms your visitor is going to be seeing, which include the living room, the dining room, the toilet and/or bathroom, hallways and possibly the kitchen.



    3. Vacuum. This always makes any room look well-kept. However, don't bother vacuuming underneath furniture.



    4. Quickly scrub out the toilet and flush. Put out a fresh roll of toilet paper.



    5. Give the bathroom sink a quick once-over wipe with a damp flannel to remove soap and toothpaste smears. Make sure a reasonably fat cake of soap is in the dish and quickly change the hand towel.



    6. Put on some coffee to brew so the smell greets your visitor. Also get some nibbles ready for your guest.



    7. Make sure that you are presentable - comb your hair, apply lipstick or cologne, etc.



    8. Dust anything obviously needing it if you have a few minutes to spare.



    9. Greet your visitor immediately with a smile and the offer of a hot drink as soon as they get through the door. Sparkling conversation and food will keep them focussed on you rather than what the house looks like.



    If you have slightly more time, do the following:



    1. Wash the dishes



    2. Put out fresh flowers - these always make a house look well-kept and welcoming



    3. Change the tablecloth



    4. Empty rubbish bins if they need it



    5. Straighten sofa cushions



    6. Put away the stray items in the collected in Step 2 of the basic list.



    When preparing to make an unexpected visitor welcome, there are certain things you don't have to worry about.



    You can safely ignore the following unless they're really, really obviously in-your-face messy.



    1. Dusting houseplants.



    2. Scrubbing the bath. They won't be using it, so if you have a shower curtain or similar, pull this across "to air it out" and hide offending items such as grey rings and razors.



    3. Making beds. Just shut the bedroom door!



    4. Doing laundry. So your dirty laundry basket is full? With any luck, they won't see it. If they do, they probably won't be shocked, as everybody has large amounts of laundry.



    5. Cleaning windows. If the visit is at evening, close the curtains.



    If you work from home and the boss or a client is calling for business reasons, then only clean your office area, plus putting on the coffee. If you have plenty of work to show your business visitor, this will impress them more than a spotless home. After all, the boss doesn't want to think that you're putting all your time into housework when you should be balancing the books or preparing a report.

  5. taiwan flower delivery 2013.01.30 15:40 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

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  6. Guigang flowers 2013.01.30 15:41 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

    This may be a touchy subject for many to read, but some of the things I'm about to tell you is real and a part of life many of us don't want to hear.



    Although there are many articles published about World War II in Germany, not too many touch on the personal aspect of what it was like growing up as a child during the war. For those of you that are interested, this article may be for you.



    My parents were raised in Germany during World War II. When the war first started, my mother was only three and my father was eight. My parents left Germany as soon as they could after the war to start a better life in the States.



    My mother, who is now 70 years old doesn't talk much about the war as it brings tears to her eyes. It’s a part of her life I think she would like to forget all together.



    My mother was one of five children and initially lived on the Western edge of Poland. When Germany and Russia invaded Poland they were forced to move taking only the few possessions they could carry on their backs. Her father who was at that time in the military was unfortunately killed in the war. She never got the opportunity to know who her father was. Her mother was left alone with five children to feed and no home of their own.



    They moved from home to home, shelter to shelter, whoever would take them in. There was no money so my grandmother sewed clothing to sell to others in need, http://www.yaoflowers.com/online-florist/lianyuan-flowers-delivery.asp lianyuan florist. This little bit of money she earned was sometimes enough to get food for the family. Other times it was not and they were lucky enough to find other people that were willing to help them out with a meal.



    Their food consisted of mostly cabbage and bread. Sometimes my grandmother would stand in line for a whole day for just one loaf of bread only to find out they were all gone when it was her turn to get some.



    During this time, many families would take their children out of school at a young age – 12 years old for many so that they could go work and help the family survive. My grandmother despite the temptation would not allow this. Having her children get an education was too important to her, so as her children slept she sewed and sewed to make what little money she could. For the children that did leave school to work, the most popular places to work at were bakeries and any place that made food. This way at least you could bring some leftover food home to your family at the end of the day.



    As they were continually pushed out of areas and constantly on the move, they lived in many shared rooms with other homeless families. It was always a constant search to find a family that would take you in. The rooms were usually divided by sheets and about the half the size of a garage. They slept on the floor many times on hay to cushion themselves from the hard floors. If they were fortunate enough, they got potato sacks to use as blankets and often had to share them. Other times they would find shelters which would be one big room filled with other families. It was never a happy place – you were surrounded by sadness from the people that lost loved ones. You heard constant crying and had to keep a close eye on your personal belongings so that they wouldn't be stolen. There were no toys to play with so the children learned to use their imagination to keep themselves occupied.



    The children played outside very close to home in the streets among the ruins. Seeing dead horses and people in the streets was just accepted. They grew used to the sound of the sirens going off and running for shelter where they would hide until it was over. Afterwards, it was off to playing again outside.



    I remember my mother telling me how on one instance they were forced to evacuate quickly because of bombers coming in. Everybody flooded to the streets with their families carrying what they could of their belongings on their backs. Some people had horses and other carriages, but the majority of them just had suitcases and bags of their most prized belongings as you never had enough time to get everything together. Surviving was the only important thing. As they joined the crowds on the streets to move out suddenly the bombers came and started bombing the streets. The children were screaming and the parents would run for shelter dragging their children behind them. I don't want to get too graphic here, but imagine being a small child of 5 to 7 years old watching people hit by bombs right before your very eyes or watching another child you played with that day suddenly die.



    The war was a terrible time for everyone including the German civilians. You were forced to obey Hitler's rules whether you liked it or not. Even after it was announced the war was over, on one occasion my father watched a woman die before his eyes by the hands of a soldier because she happened to say "Thank god" and made a bad comment about Hitler. Her throat was slit instantly. She was then strung up by a rope as an example so everyone could see what happens when you say something bad about Hitler, http://www.yaoflowers.com/online-florist/Tengzhou-flowers-delivery.asp Tengzhou florist.



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  7. leling flowers 2013.01.30 15:41 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

    "I just want the bullying to stop. That is all I ever wanted. I used to love going to school. Now I hate it." -- Verity Ward



    What is a bully? When does the typical behavior of children (younger and older) stop being normal and expected and transcend to bullying? Those seem like fairly easy questions and they used to have fairly easy answers. We used to know which children were bullies and were reasonably clear about when normal behavior crossed the line into bullying, but no more.



    What is a bully? That is a child who frightens or tries to dominate other children by threatening or intimidating them. Bullies use threats or implied threats to compel or deter behavior, compliance, or whatever else the bully wants.



    Fundamentally, bullying is a psychological strategy used to exercise power and control over other children, http://www.yaoflowers.com/online-florist/Liaoyuan-flowers-delivery.asp Liaoyuan flowers. The bully may need to occasionally follow through with the implied threat to maintain credibility but only does that when the victim is clearly weaker. For the most part, though, the threat remains implied.



    There are, of course, children who are violent and whose aggression is not mediated by social norms, values, and interpersonal influences. Their interest is not in intimidating and controlling. Rather they attack anything or anyone who stands between them and what they want, whenever they want it. They are truly dangerous but the behavior is not bullying. It may be a product of severe emotional disturbance, socialization and life experience, or a myriad of other factors. Whatever the cause, to call it bullying is to miss its significance. These children are a very real menace to other children and to the community.



    Bullies may use physical threats or intimidation as in, "If you don't comply with my wishes, I will hurt you."



    They may use positional intimidation as in, "If you don't comply with my wishes, I will tell on you, get you in trouble, get other people to reject you… and I can do that because I am in a position to be more credible than you."



    They may use personal intimidation as in, "If you don't comply with my wishes, I won't like you, won't hang around with you, won't be your boyfriend/girlfriend..."



    Bullying ranges from mild and occasional to serious and chronic and for some children, it may evolve into more violent behavior. For most children who bully, though, the tendency may continue into adolescence and adult adjustment but does not go beyond bullying and persisting use of intimidation strategies and approaches with people who are not in a position to do much about it.



    That was the easy answer to the "What is a bully?" question. The more difficult answer is to the secondary question, "Which children are bullies?" It would seem that we would only need to identify those children who frighten or try to dominate other children by threatening or intimidating them but it is no longer that simple.



    Within society in general and schools in particular, bullying has become a major focus for concern, discussion, educational emphasis, and disciplinary intervention. This is likely prompted by much more attention to youth violence, well-publicized tragedies in schools and communities, and an insidious discomfort with and fear of young people. Whatever the origin of the increased emphasis and whether it is warranted or unwarranted, there is an unintended but nonetheless unfortunate outcome. The use of the bullying concept is expanding to include more and more children. Behavior that was previously seen as normal and as part of the typical development and socialization of children is being redefined as bullying and thus as deviant. Normal children who are struggling with normal social and emotional issues are being reclassified as having behavior and adjustment problems that require a variety of adult interventions.



    The problem with this expanding inclusion of more and more children into the bully circle is twofold. First, children whose development and adjustment are quite normal and healthy as they struggle along the often confusing and conflicting path to adulthood are confronted with the added pressure of being classified as bullies and being treated as if there is something wrong with them. They need support, guidance, and direction but do not need or benefit from being grouped with children who do need corrective intervention.



    Second, http://www.yaoflowers.com/online-florist/Jining-flowers-delivery.asp Jining flowers, by expanding the definition and concept, children who do frighten or try to dominate other children by threatening or intimidating them and who need corrective intervention get less attention and focus. Additionally, their behavior is interpreted as more deviant than when the bully concept was understood more narrowly. When large numbers of children who do not frighten or try to dominate other children by threatening or intimidating them are included, those who do are immediately more deviant than most members of the group. Instead of being bullies, they are now the "worst case" bullies. In that position, they are likely to be punished more severely and treated less sympathetically than they would have been before the bully concept expanded.



    The result of this is that far too many children are being counseled and subjected to interventions they do not need and find confusing. At the same time, children who do need thoughtful and careful evaluation and intervention are being treated with a punitive and harmful degree of insensitivity that may exacerbate their adjustment problems instead of correcting them.



    Everyone would do well to refer to a child as a bully only if he (or she) repeatedly frightens or dominates other children by threatening or intimidating them. The majority of children who occasionally are insensitive, inconsiderate, rood, inappropriate, socially and emotionally hurtful, negatively impulsive, and who sometimes have bad judgment and are not very nice need to stay in the "normal kid" classification where they receive the firm and understanding support and guidance they need and deserve, without being seen either by adults or by themselves or other children as deviant.

  8. Giants Manning Elite Jersey 2013.02.01 19:40 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

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    贼师父埋怨徒弟说:“你可真称得上是个白痴!我们费了整夜时 间才打开所有的保险箱,可是里面全是空的。到现在你才告诉我-这 是一家制造保险箱的工厂!”



    乘 电 梯

    阿肥由于嗜食,以致身宽体胖。每次上下电梯,别人只要见他在 内,必定要等下一班。有一次他向大伙抱怨:“为什么要这样伤害我 呢?跟我乘电梯有什么不好呢?只不过上来时慢一些,下去时快一点 罢了。”




    高 兴 太 早

    一男青年将被征入伍,军队医院眼科医生给他做视力检查,青年 边接受检查边表白自己是个近视眼。检查完毕,大夫说:“是的,你 说得对,是近视眼。”青年听到这句话非常高兴。“尊敬的大夫,那 么我可以免服兵役了?”大夫摇摇头说:“不......我写上了可参加 肉搏战。”




    腿 与 蛋

    农场中一只猪与一只母鸡在谈慈善。猪说:“我很想有一个方法 能帮助那些没有饭吃的穷人。”鸡说:“我们来合作,可以做一个火 腿蛋来给他们吃。”猪摇头说:“你说得倒容易。你只是贡献一个副 产品,而我却要不见了一条腿。”



    追 车 的 人

    在一辆载满旅客的公共汽车后面,一个个子矮小的人在拼命奔跑 着,但汽车却仍在下坡路上高速前进。“停下吧,”一位乘客的头伸 出了窗子,冲小个子喊道:“您追不上它的!”“不行,我必须追上。 ”小个子气喘吁吁,“我是司机!”





    有 备 无 恐

    81岁的老父从香港到加拿大看儿子。他虽然年纪老迈,但精力 充沛,每天都要出去散步。由于他不会说英语,无法问路,因此他儿 子担心他会迷途。有天下午,他散步特别久,回家后,儿子迎上去问 他有没有遇到麻烦。老人含笑说:“别担心,我有备无恐,早抄下了 这条街的街名。”说罢从裤袋里掏出一张纸,神气地给儿子看。上面 原来写着:“NOEXIT(此路不通)。”



    倒 霉 的 病 人

    有一个牙科医生,第一次给病人拨牙,非常紧张。他刚把臼齿拨 下来,不料手一抖,没有夹住,于是,牙齿掉进了病人的喉咙。“非 常抱歉。”医生说,“你的病已不在我的职责范围内,你应该去找喉 科医生。当这个病人找到喉科医生时,他的牙齿掉得更深了,喉科医 生给他做了检查。“非常抱歉”,医生说,“你的病已不在我的职责 范围内,你应该去找胃病专家。”胃病专家用X光为病人检查后说: “非常抱歉,牙齿已掉到你的肠子里了,你应该去找肠病专家。”肠 病专家同样做了X光检查后说:“非常抱歉,牙齿已不在肠子里,它 肯定掉到更深的地方了,你应该去找肛门科专家。”最后,病人趴在 肛门科医生的检查台上,摆出一个屁股朝天的姿势,医生用内窥镜检 查了一番,然后吃惊地叫到:“啊,天啊!你的这里长了颗牙齿,应 该去找牙科医生。”




    没 空

    “你怎么一天到晚老是玩?” “晚上光睡觉,没空玩嘛!”






    口 快 心 直

    我们5岁大的儿子迷上了摩托车,一见就情不自禁地高喊:“看 哪!将来我一定要有一辆!”我的回答永远是:“只要我活着就不行。 ”一天,儿子正跟小朋友谈话,一辆摩托车我驰而过。他兴奋地指着 大叫:“看哪!看哪!我要买一辆--等我爸爸一死我就买!”




    残 酷 人 生

    两个人在餐馆吃饭,桌上放着一杯热芥末。其中一个认为芥末是 甜的,于是舀了满满一勺放进嘴里,立即泪如泉涌。不过,他紧闭嘴 巴,没说一句话。他的朋友迷惑不解:“怎么?”“我想起了我父亲, 就在20年前的今天,他上吊了。” 他的朋友安慰了他一番,也舀了满满一勺芥末放进嘴里,骤然, 泪水如流。第一位佯装地问:“怎么你也哭了?”“我在想你父亲上 吊的时候,你为什么不上吊?”第二个答道。





    学 习 母 鸡

    妈妈:“小明,你吃糖为什么不分给小妹妹吃?你看老母鸡找到 小虫,统统给小鸡吃,你该学习母鸡呀!” 小明:“好吧。如果我找到小虫,也统统给小妹妹吃好了。”



    躲 蛇 妙 法

    父亲:“阿光,碰到眼镜蛇时,该怎么办?” 阿光:“先把它的眼镜打破再逃走。”



    专 家 本 色

    修理工应召去医生家修理电视机,发现他那架电视机用了十年, 已经破旧不堪了,医生用幽默的口吻说:“你开个处方吧。”修理工 对着电视机默默看了一阵,然后回答:“我看只能写验尸报告去。”



    未 出 过 国

    医生:“你小孩患的是德国麻疹。” 母亲:“怎么可能?他从来未出过国啊!”



    被 冷 落 的 顾 客

    老王在餐厅坐了很久,看到别的客人吃得津津有味,只有他仍无 侍者来招呼,便起身问老板:“对不起,请问--我是不是坐到观众 席了?”



    广 告 费

    有一妇人到报馆的广告部, 要登一段讣文, 她说丈夫刚死了。 “你要登哪一种讣文呢?”广告员问。“随便好了。”妇人红着眼睛 答。“那么就刊在第五版吧。”广告员建议说:“我们是按寸收费的, 每寸5元。”“天呀,那岂不是要化费一大笔钱?”妇人吃惊地说, “我的丈夫有6尺5寸长啊!”



    客 气 的 马

    --昨天你骑马骑得怎样? --不太坏。问题是我那匹马太客气了。 --太客气了? --是呀。当骑到一道篱笆时,它让我先过去了!






    形 象 比 喻

    我的两个女儿常取笑她们的爷爷是个老顽固,而他却竭力否认。 一天,爷爷跟她们讲他在山里的一次骑马旅行,他说:“导游认为马 的性格应和骑马的人一致,并把我们作了很仔细的搭配。”“你骑的 马是什么样?”一个女儿插嘴道。爷爷极其勉强地回答:“给了我一 头骡子。”



    愿 望

    青年问一老者:“您已年近古稀,年轻时候的愿望都实现了吗?” 老者:“年轻的时候,父亲责备我时总揪我的头发,当时我想,要是 没有头发就好了。”“今天,这个愿望算是实现了。”



    不 得 要 领

    “救火!救火!”电话里传来了紧急而恐慌的呼救声。 “在哪里?”消防队急救部门的接话员问。 “在我家。” “我是说失火的地点在哪里?” “在厨房!” “我知道,可是我们该怎样去你家嘛?!” “噢!难道你们没有救火车吗?!”



    防 不 胜 防

    --你的脸色不太好。 --是啊,我老婆夜里根本不让我睡觉。稍有动静,她就惊叫起来, 以为是贼来了。 --小偷行窃是不会出声的。 --我也是这么对她说的,可那更糟了。 --怎么了? --从此,她夜里听不到声音,就把我叫醒。



    组 装

    妈妈怀孕了,四岁的小宝百思不得其解,他想知道,未来的弟弟 或妹妹是如何生出来的。爸爸耐心地给小宝描绘道:“先生出头,再 生出身子,最后是两条腿,懂了吗?” “懂了,爸爸。然后你用螺丝把它们组装起来,对吧!”




    勇敢的消防队

    油井失火,公司经理叫来了消防队,可是由于火势太大,消防队 员无法靠近,只能在两千英尺以外活动。公司管理员请的一支业余消 防队这时也赶来了,消防车突突突突勇敢地一直开到离大火只有五十 英尺的地方才停下,消防队员迅速抓起水枪,动手救火,很快就把火 扑灭了。 第二天公司经理给这支业余消防队发了两千元奖金。有人问那队 长,两千元如何安排?队长不加思索地回答说:“首先要办的是把消 防车的刹车修好。真他妈的见鬼,昨天差点把我们送到火里去了!”



    精 神 对 抗

    --您瞧,昨天公共汽车司机盯着我看,仿佛我没买票。 --那您怎么办? --很简单,我也盯着他看,就象我买了票似的。




    妙 计

    陆先生造房子,有一大堆碎砖要运走,工人说要两辆卡车。陆先生对工人说:“不必花运费了!你在空地上掘个坑,埋了它罢。”工 人:“那么,挖出来的泥放到哪里去呢?”“你真笨,把坑挖深一点, 一起埋下去不就行了。”




    淡 得 有 味

    父亲生日前一天,我去订做一个大蛋糕,由于父亲不能吃太甜的 东西,所以我嘱咐老板糖不要放得太多,稍微淡些。那老板顺手在纸 上记着:“父亲生日稍淡。”第二天,我去取蛋糕。打开一看,可真是让人啼笑皆非。原来蛋糕上的字样是:“祝父亲大人生日快乐,稍淡敬上”。



    削 蹄 割 尾

    有一天申先生写信给他的朋友熊先生。一时,疏忽把“熊”字下 面四点忘了,写成“能先生。”熊先生一看;又气又恼,提起笔来写 了一封回信,故意把申先生误写成“由先生”,还说:“你削掉了我 的四个蹄子,我也要割掉你的尾巴。



    有 为 青 年

    ──我可以算是从基层干起,一直爬到顶峰的青年。
    ──真了不起,你是干什么的呢?
    ──以前擦皮鞋,现在是理发师。



    高 贵

    ──从今以后,我的身价要比以前高贵了。
    ──升官了吗?
    ──不,你看,我镶了三颗金牙。



    油 彩 未 干

    画家把他几幅精美的油画雇用货车运到展览会场去。他特别叮咛 司机:“小心点!画上的油彩还没干透。”司机说:“没关系,我穿 的都是旧衣服。”




    一 看 便 知

    一个寡妇要把亡夫的一帧遗照拿去放大,她走进照相馆,对老板 说:“我要放大这张相片,不过当你放大的时候,我希望你能顺便把 他戴的那顶讨厌的帽子去掉。” “好的,太太”照相馆老板说,“不过请你告诉我,他的头发是朝哪一边分呢?”“这个我倒不太记得了,”寡妇回答,“可是反正你拿掉他的帽子一看不就知道了。”



    “防 盗”

    一位老太太说:“过去我总是把黄金藏在床垫下面,人家告诉我 那个地方最不安全。现在我把它们放在箱子里了。” “你难道不怕忘记放在哪个箱子里吗?”有位邻居问她。 “不怕”她回答,“我在床垫下边放了一张字条‘黄金放在黑皮 箱子里’。”



    希 罕

    盼子心切的包氏夫妇喜获麟儿,他们用尽心思,要为儿子取个出 众的名字,最后决定叫他做“希罕”。希罕的童年很幸福,但他讨厌 这个名字,后来长大成人、结婚生子、事业非常成功,还是讨厌他的 名字,最后年老卧病,垂危时他央求妻子道:“请你千万别把‘希罕’ 两字刻在墓牌上,就叫我包氏好了。” 他死后,妻子按照他的遗愿没有把他的名字刻在碑上,可是只刻 “包氏”二字好象过于简单,她想让人知道他是个多么好的丈夫,于 是在“包氏”之下刻了两行小字:他结婚以后,从来未看过别的女人 一眼。 现在,不论谁经过他的墓前,都会说一声:“希罕!”

     


    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

  9. 多用表校准仪 2013.02.02 23:18 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

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  10. Affotbato 2014.06.19 17:05 신고 Address Modify/Delete Reply

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